reason for the season.

christmas.

christ.
más.

more christ.

bond, james bond.

seniors 2007. we may have lost by the numbers (8-6), but we still showed up and showed out. could we ask for more? sure, the refs didn't call the game like they should. yes, the juniors played dirty (but then again, so did we.) yes, they ran the clock out. but we showed class. we played a good, mostly clean game. that means so much more than the score. we need to lose the attitude and realize that we should be proud of ourselves and our teammates. go 007!

sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

i did like the hardest thing this afternoon.
it sucked, but i had to do it.
now that i've made the initial move,
i feel even more confused than i did.
but i can't change it now.
the ball's in his court.
the decision is in his hands.


i've decided that senior year is a lot about realizing who you are and standing up for what you believe in. it's about decisions and hard choices. it's about sad endings and fresh beginnings. it's about learning not to give up. it's about being you and no one else.



tomorrow just already seems like it's gonna be difficult.

friendship.

i think i really screwed up this time.
and he still won't talk to me :[

comfort.

take comfort in what you know.

upset.

this really isnt working.

i've had a pretty good couple of weeks. a pretty good month, actually.

but the past two days sucked incredibly bad.
everything that could go wrong, did.

justin cut off all his hair.
i was late to school.
i left my notes at home.
i had three tests.
one involved those notes.
left my book report and book at home.
thank goodness we ran out of time before my turn.
my teacher went absolutely psycho on us during class.

i went to go vote, and apparently i am the ONLY ONE out of the four people who registered in my class that did not get registered. therefore, dianna did not get to vote on her first time to go vote. i went down to town hall and everything. i was sooo upset. PLEASE don't try to make it better by saying "you get to vote in the presidential election though." thats in TWO YEARS. and it's not my first time. i missed that. thanks to the screwups at the courthouse. this was my major rant. it made my whole day go down the drain. i've only been looking foward to this since, oh, forever. so i went home and hid under the covers and cried for like an hour. and to top it all off, hardly anyone i was going to vote for won.

then, this.
i just really think things aren't going to go as planned.
because its just falling apart in front of me.
[and i dont think i can handle it.]

wow. i hate him so much.
but i like him so much too.



i can safely say that tuesday november 7, 2006 was one of the worst days in my whole life. and yes, this too is considered mucho importante.
here's some advice: every girl is an actress, because more often than not the smile on her face is the greatest work she's ever done. don't forget that.


in the word of my friend stanton that just sums everything up:
"ugh."

best.

i love love love my best friends.
a a little over a year ago i had one.
then all of the sudden, i didn't have one.
funny how things change.
now i dont know what i would do without my nicole and amber.
they are my truest of all true.
i have just recently been hit with how much i will miss them come next spring.
all of my friends.
they are my support
and i love them.
and i hate it when friendships fall apart.
and then everyone starts hatin on everyone else.
and nobody ever knows why.
but such is life.
im blessed to have my two.

homecoming.

i am feeling much much better about a lot of things.
i had

friday: spirit day. wore my homecoming shirt to school, matched about two thirds of the student body. uniformity at its best. made jared a sign during first, did stupid work during second (of course mrs. hocutt would make us work on homecoming day. nobody does that!) and i colored and gossiped in third (shame on me i know). i got soo mad at my cousin during third, she made me see red. so therefore, we have two girlcotts now, instead of just one, and no more boycotts. fourth was the parade, nicole was in it, amber and i opted to sit outside on the grass and watch the parade go by. it was the first time since i started high school that i watched the parade instead of being in it. but i kinda liked it that way. then after that we all ran down to the stadium and had a pep rally outside. i dont like that as much as having one inside the gym but oh well. after that me and amber decorated our cars some more and i helped to decorate for the dance, got a ticket to get in free. i went to subway, talked to my boss, i have two weeks and im a free girl again. yay! i came home and curled my hair (i sat in curlers for an hour) and got dressed for the dance, then left and went to meet nicole at the gas station. we go to the school, meet amber, and go into the game. by the end of the first quarter, there are no more curls in my hair. its almost perfectly straight again. stupid hair. lol. we all looked pretty good i do have to say so myself. haha. then i scored some major points with someones mama...ahem (yay me). then we hung around for a little while, went to the dance. it was fun. the only awkward moments were the slow dances but that is kinda to be expected when you go by yourself. after the dance, about eleven forty five or so, we leave and go to huddle house to eat. the service was kinda bad but it was still fun anyway. we were all tired and cold and the girls' feet all hurt by that time. we yawned our way through hamburgers and cheese sticks but it was still a good time. then, about 1:15 or so i get home, and im in the bed at 1:30. i had an amazing time. aubrey, our yearbook photographer and friend, won homecoming queen. i voted for her. she's 100% real, and not plastic, like the other girls. she's quite possibly the only lesbian girl to be elected homecoming queen. but it wassss FUN.

saturday: i get up at six thirty (AM, mind you) to go to calera. i sleep on the way there, i sleep for an hour once i get there, but im still sooo tired. so i worked on the trains all day and denverd's step daughter sarah (its pronounced denver but with a silent d on the end, i have no idea where the d comes from)...anyway, sarah followed me around like all day long because denverd was working on the trains and i was a carhost. she's eleven, and she's so sweet. she was like my mini-me. she even got the same sandwich i did for lunch. it was cute. okay so i carhost three runs today and i was so tired, and then i come home, change really really fast and drive back to church for the progressive dinner. i missed appetizers but i got the main course and dessert so i was good. i came home afterwards, i am sooo tired right now i can barely keep my eyes open but ya know. the internet calls. anyway, that was pretty much my weekend thus far in a nutshell. so yeah.

curses.

tonight i...
dropped the same knife twice
dropped a different knife
dropped the dustpan full of trash
broke a sandwich
apparently "forgot" (they didnt say it) to toast two sandwiches
accidentally threw a guy's ham and cheese onto the actual oven
accidentally dropped the same ham and cheese into the tomatoes
burned my finger on the oven
slammed the glass cover on the same finger
worked a five hour shift non-stop with no break
worked three of those five hours with only one other person
closed the store
attempted to quit*
and...
watched my friends drive up and chat with each other on their way to the bonfire/pep rally, the jr/sr war, or the jr/sr peace party, all of which i could not attend. i watched them drive around and have fun, heard them make plans for later, got missed calls from my closest friends and talked to them on their way to go roll the school. all of which while i was trapped behind a counter making sandwiches for rude people.




*attempted to quit means i told my boss i wanted to give her my two weeks notice and she said no, that i was too good a worker and that i could just work on saturdays and sundays. then since i was on the clock, i had to work and we got busy, and she left before i could tell her i dont want to work weekends, i dont want to work at all. the whole point of the only working on tuesdays and thursday nights were so that i could be free on the weekends to catch up on my homework, my rest, go out with the church, and/or go to calera. therefore, tomorrow, after i go to school and be in a parade (hopefully), go to a pep rally, and decorate for a dance, i will stop by subway and tell her that i quit. i hate that stupid job. i hate making sandwiches for people. i hate people talking down to me because im on the other side of the counter. i hate watching everybody else have fun while im stuck at work. i hate not having any fun. im practically eighteen years old, in my senior year of high school, and im not having fun. im going to forever remember my last homecoming as being crappy because i didnt get to work on the float or go to my last bonfire pep rally or get shoes for my dress all because i had to work. it sucks real bad. so i quit. you hear me? quit.

dress.

so i got a dress.
which makes me a lot happier.
but not as happy as if i would have had a date.
speaking of,
we ended our boycott.
it lasted a day and a half.

tomorrow i have to skip the bonfire/pep rally because i have to work. not fun. i hate work. i really do.

hippie.

dress shopping with my favorite amberlina tomorrowwww...

im gonna be pocahontas tomorrow for cartoon character day.

today i was a hippie :]
it was awesome.

against.

i am SO anti-certain-boy right now.
and anti-certain-girl.
me, nicole, and amber.
all of us are.


grr.
it just really irks my tater.
the way she treats people.
and the way he acts.

nervous.

three "plans of action" are set in motion.
one for each of us.












im a nervous wreck.

football.

it is football weather outside. and thats making me excited.

im so ready for this friday's game.

and i'm ready for homecoming, oh yes. alll next week! monday is "senior day" where we take that field trip to shelton and to the university, and then all the rest of the week is just homecoming festivities. and mmm i am going to the thrift store to pick up some costume stuff for next week's dress up days, our float's gonna rock, and i am gonna have fun!

im really getting into this senior thing.

:]

victory.

for the first time in twenty two games,

BROOKWOOD HIGH SCHOOL WON A FOOTBALL GAME.

these are my boys. my senior class.

heck yes.

cards.

me gusta.
yo quiero.

i just made the best card i've ever made in my life.
i talked to jared.
kinda.
he feels better.
and so do i.

hands.

i have noticed that i have a thing about hands.

it just amazes me that two completely different hands can fit together so well; a perfect match. take, for example: a kinda large hand (for a girl), long slim fingers and long fingernails; a kinda small hand (for a guy), and short-ish, pudgy-ish fingers. the two are completely different, yet they fit together so well.

so when you meet your perfect person, is their hand going to be just the right size for yours? is it going to be everything you ever wanted in a hand, that makes you want to hold hands all the time?

i love holding hands. i want to keep holding hands even when im sixty. its a bond, a connection. so far, i've only found one, out of all the hands i've ever held, that fits mine really well.

spirit.

today was practically perfect.

football season has arrived.

it was an all around freakin awesome day.

we dominated at the pep rally.

we won the spirit stick.

my friends are amazing.

especially my football friends.

especially my hot football friends :].

ahem *numbertwenty*.

and again, i was happy.

you have no idea how much i like saying that.

letting go.

there is this weird part of me that cannot let anything go.
i have to know the reasoning behind everything.
if i think someone is hiding something,
lying to me, treating me wrong...
i have to drag out the excuse.
i can't just leave it be.


i wonder why that is?

yo soy enfuego.

en fuego was insane.

like 25 thousand people.
all together in one little cow field with a stage in the middle.

it was hot. it was crowded.
but it was fun.

lets see...
the excitement on the way up there, the burger king crowns, stealing en fuego signs, our dirty white tent, standing in front of speakers, FRONT ROW, mosh pits, friends, dirty feet, dirty feet pictures, stinky crowds for third day, meeting stars, chasing down mac powell in his car and getting pictures, supper from a gas station (coke, chips, candy, thats alll ya need), incredible burping skills from the backseat on the way home...

it was preeety good.
:]

happiness.

I AM SOOOOO HAPPY

i havent been like really really happy in forever. and there's really not a reason for the happiness. and that makes it all the better.

i had SUCH A GOOD TIME tonight. we went to the football game (we equals me nicole and jonathan). we lost, but not all that bad, and it was just a fun game. i got to hang with my friends, i sang really really loud with nicole on the way home, got gas for $2.66 a gallon (whoa) and i am happy :]

i mean, im so happy im using capital letters.

and EN FUEGO IS SATURDAY thats only TWO DAYS AWAY.

i have a meeting at the drink machines tomorrow morning.

yay <3

vague.

so im doing it again. the exact thing i did the last time and it completely backfired and turned out horribly wrong. so you think i learned my lesson? no. im asking the same questions again and again and i cant stop until i find out the answer. its what ruins everything, because i cant let anything be. we shall see how it goes down tomorrow when i see him.

this is all completely what i want and completely what i dont want and completely right and completely wrong.

im blowing all this up so that it sounds like a big deal. it's really not. :]

i just like being vague. and seeing what happens. more later.

advice.

i feel honored because the younger girls in the youth group feel like they can come to me for advice and to discuss their problems.



today ive really been reminded that:
happiness at the sake of another isn't happiness.

creativity.

the older i get, the less creative i get.

i learned this last night as i sat in my bedroom floor making collages for various binders and notebooks. i just dont know where to put things anymore. but they turned out looking okay, i think.


tonight, besides the whole sad factor of rob's grandmother, was really fun. we went back to travis' new house and got the "grand tour" and then ordered pizza and watched a movie. tommy boy. first time i'd seen it.


so yeah. i dont really have anything else to say.

i hope not everyone can read me as easily as one person can.

easy come easy go.

so i guess that's it.



easy come, easy go?
but deep down it's not that easy at all.

devotional.

today has been very lazy. i have to soak it up since school's about to start. blah.


a part of me is still sad, but it's not been so bad today.


i wrote a devotional for sunday night's SLT meeting. it's about love. it was going to be about leadership, so i started that one, but the other one is so much better. so im doing it instead (im guessing if its okay).


i wish life would stop sounding like a simple plan and/or weezer cd...

rumors.

the tongue is the greatest evil right?

well, sometimes i wish that the coaling youth rumor mill revolved around someone other than me. i dont like rumors. especially *untrue* rumors...

blame.

i blame it all on being a girl. i think with my heart and not my head.

crush.

crush
crush
crush
crush
crushed






today's been full of dreams, but not so much the dreamer

honesty.

how can you be honest and not hurt someone's feelings?


it's sad how many things are complicated and can't uncomplicate.


edit[12:02 am]://dont read more into this than what it is: today was a little more than i expected.

dance.

the most important thing i learned this weekend was "don't ever be afraid to dance".

it's something matt told me on saturday, and i thought it was pretty profound. because if you're afraid of something (not just dancing) then you miss out on something that you really want to do. and that's just really dumb to miss something because of fear.

away she flew.

she was elusive. she was today. she was tomorrow. she was the faintest scent of a cactus flower, the flitting shadow of an elf owl. we did not know what to make of her. in our minds we tried to pin her to corkboard like a butterfly, but the pin merely went through and away she flew.

*stargirl

wallflowers.

i just finished reading the perks of being a wallflower. it made me sad, and parts of it made me think. and parts of it i didn't like, and parts of it i really really liked. overall i'd say i liked it. it had some good quotes in it that stood out to me for different reasons:

"but because things change. and friends leave. and life doesnt stop for anybody."

"the halls seemed different. and the juniors were acting different because they are now seniors."

"when i was driving home, i just thought about the word "special"... i was very grateful to have heard it again. because i guess we all forget sometimes. and i think everyone is special in their own way. i really do. "

"the inside jokes werent jokes anymore. they had become stories. nobody brought up the bad names or the bad times. and nobody felt sad as long as we could postpone tomorrow with more nostalgia."

"i dont want to be somebodys crush. if somebody likes me, i want them to like the real me, not what they think i am. and i dont want them to carry it around inside. i want them to show me, so i can feel it too. i want them to be able to do whatever they want around me. and if they do something i dont like, i'll tell them. "

today i helped work the senior portraits at school. it made me feel really old, in a way, but then the other part of me felt like i wasn't old enough to be a senior, that i was just playing dress up again, smiling pretty for the camera. (not that i actually took mine today, but we did some posing anyway.) i don't feel old enough to be able to shoulder the responsibility of graduating and deciding my future and choosing a college. then again, i feel like i should already be fast fowarded to way past all the decision making and just be there, already.

building bridges.

well, i'm back from panama city. and i can honestly say that it was a life changing experience for quite a few people.

i started out the weekend needing a major attitude adjustment. i wanted a different room, different mirrors, different bathrooms, more toilet paper and showers, different stuff, different this, different that...

one of the very first questions that joey (our speaker) asked us is the reason why we came on this retreat. there were lots of answers...mine was to learn. and the beach, of course. and boy, did i get what i wanted. i learned a lot more than i thought i would. i started out thinking that i wasn't going to like joey's way of teaching at all, and it was different, but it taught me.

i started to think really hard (okay, maybe overthink) about my motives in a lot of the things that i've done lately. what if i had everyone fooled - including myself - and God was the only one who knew that i was doing stuff for the wrong reasons. how could i be a leader in the youth, in the church, my school, my community? i felt a lot better after a talk on the beach with travis and a moonlight reflection ankle-deep in the ocean with the waves crashing around me and my friends standing near. i got this feeling...peaceful, that i was worrying about nothing, that everything was going to be alright.

friday was spent on the road, likewise today, saturday was spent on the beach, and sunday we cruised over to shell island, saw some wild dolphins (!!!!!!), cute boys that look like ryan junkin and justin hott, and eating out at pinapple willy's. then, instead of a nightly session, we had the love chair.

i completely forgot that we were slated to have another love chair. honestly, before this trip, i absolutely HATED the love chair. sometimes i find myself having a hard time thinking of something to say that sounds of sincere encouragement. i was second to be in the love chair, and some of it was a surprise, some of it i expected, some of it made me want to cry, some of it made me want to leap out of my chair and hug whoever was talking. but, as we went around the circle, i found myself anxiously waiting to tell the person in the middle whatever it was that i loved about them. i felt such a deeper connection to everyone after we got done. i kinda hated that we skipped the adults, though. but thats what the encourage cards were for:)

i got another henna tattoo..but i think i got ripped off..because its already fading and its only been a day. that sucks. i guess if it does i'll use a sharpie and draw it back on for the rest of the month. and gosh im poor, i came home with one stinkin dollar from this trip. just one.

but i got to go to whataburger today. and talk to justin on IM.

rude awakening: it's amazing how God works, isn't it? i prayed for a girl on our trip about her faith and salvation, and later that night, she got saved. i had doubts about our lessons, but i learned a lot more than i thought. i made deeper friendships and started to learn guitar. i relaxed. i swam in the ocean, soaked in God's beauty, and the sun (causing the sunburn that is currently upon my body, and my peeling nose), saw His creation (dolphins, manatee), and proved myself wrong over and over again. all in one great weekend.

and i'm glad to be home, but i definitely miss being able to walk outside, cross the street, and hit the sandy beach. then again, i'm super happy i'm sleeping in my own bed tonight (and not a bunkbed), and that i'm not sharing a bathroom with 10 females anymore.

so yeah, my weekend was great. let's go do something else!

red suitcases.

i'm so excited that i get to break out the battered old red suitcase once again. it's become my best friend over the past couple of years. i never knew that it was just the beginning when my mimi gave me that luggage set a couple of years ago for christmas. i was like, hey, great, i'm going to gatlinburg. but since then, it's accompanied me to new york city twice, the beach several times, gatlinburg a couple of times, louisville, chattanooga, new orleans twice, etc etc etc. and california next year!

there's always the promise of adventure in the air when i step out of my house armed with my red suitcase, carry-on shoulder bag, purse, pillow, and fully charged cellphone. i never know what exactly is in store for me.

i'm excited about packing. i always wait till last minute to do my packing. i've never packed earlier than the day before i leave. but, i feel like i'm restraining myself not to break the tradition, lol.

and i'm only going to the beach.

then again, it's one of my most favorite places to be. like, top 2. any beach. (well, except for in pascagoula. it's the only beach i wasn't all that excited about. mainly because it wasn't much of a beach.) but now: panama city. sandy white beaches...cruises to shell island...NEW BIKINIS!

barbecue.

so today i ate really good barbecue for lunch and supper...mmm. i love when we have holidays because jerry *always* cooks out. and on tuesday, we're cooking out again, and having homemade ice cream, and watermelon. aw, how patriotic of me.

celebrating the fourth of july in style last year - sitting on the grassy riverbank of the mississippi river in new orleans, louisiana - was fun, but i'm kinda glad we're still in coaling this year.

tonight we had fireworks at church, and it was a pretty good show. there were a *ton* of people there, people i didn't know (but that's okay). lots of college people. kinda weird to think that in just one very short year i'll be a "college people". but i'm gonna hang with the youth because we do all the cool stuff. college people don't do anything anymore.

but they're pretty cool anyway. college brings forth the illusion of freedom. freedom to do as you please.

i miss some certain college people :)

speaking (typing) of college people, i found out one of my college-aged friends is moving away. it's sad.

rude awakening: but the thing about living in a college town is that you never know exactly how long you'll get to be friends with someone. it's inevitable that someday they'll leave for "real life" and you might never see them again. it's a price you have to pay.

summer.

okay, so today was most excellente.

rude awakening: so what if we only got to stay at the river for a couple hours and not till six as planned? martha ann's pool is almost as fun and a lot cleaner! plus there are no big fish *OR* alligators. :)

yeah so. my welcome screen had little red white and blue stars. it made me happy. 4th of july is so close! and summer is, what? halfway over? whoa. slooow down.





edit(1225AM)://i have come to the conclusion that i am not popular with people my own age. i only get along with people years older or people years younger, aka my college age & above friends, and my middle school homies. haha thats so sad.

also, my vocabulary has been great these past two weeks and i have the best toy ever..some little suction cup rolly thing like the one i found in jason's desk :)

moody.

do i look like the magnet for people to come to with their problems?
obviously. look at who i'm talking to.

the swirling thoughts are getting even more mixed up now than they were a couple hours ago. its mostly boys. i dont know why that's such a big focus today but obviously it is.

if i'm waiting on my prince charming, how come i feel so royally screwed?

i'm more than ready to move on with someone new, but i don't want to get involved with someone until i'm positive that it's going to go somewhere. i'm tired of being led on. i'm tired of being hurt.

why can't people understand that?

and fyi: the things you say in the past don't magically become all better just by saying sorry. it does hurt.

so what if i've changed? i'm tougher now and i can handle it. and i like who i've become. so if you don't, sorry. too bad for you.

i am yours, send me.

here am i, i am Yours, send me

i just posted so much about what we *did* in louisville and i didn't post anything about what i actually learned...shame shame.

i learned about compassion. i learned that it's not about me. i learned that there is no such thing as best friends forever. i learned that not everything will turn out the way that you expect it to. that on the surface, things are a lot different than they are on the inside. that i suck at frisbee. that the best of friends can be found in the most unusual places. that i'm not scared to be in the ghetto. that you have to rely on your faith. you have to depend on God and no one else. that people will make fun of you for having an "inferiority complex". but then again, i learned that there are those that will sit on the floor with you but when you ask them to leave (because they're making you nervous) they'll go do something else until you need them again. that i'm ridiculously addicted to the internet. that relient k songs relate to everything. that occasionally everyone feels incompetent, that it's not all in my head. that people are really different in places other than home, but friendship prevails in the end. that when ya gotta go, ya gotta go (lol). that your hands will still smell like bleach even after washing your hands AND taking a shower if you've cleaned with it all day. that when you don't spend a lot of time with people, you tend to build them up in your mind until all their imperfections are gone and they are exactly how you want them to be. that things change over time. that everything you think you knew, you had no idea about. that i actually complain a LOT, although i dont really mean to. that you can love so much it hurts. that it always rains whenever we take a trip. that God has a plan for your life.

the best thing about working with the youth was definitely the opportunity to build relationships with all the people in there. but i also loved to get the messages that josh brought each night. i found out that not all churches operate the same way we do. these kids were different. for one thing, the majority of them were unsaved. however, they were eager. eager to learn, eager to talk, eager to ask questions, eager to read...it was a lot different. but the insight i gained was priceless.

one night we talked about death...and what we'd have put on our tombstones when we went...how we wanted to be remembered. i heard lots of answers. i had no idea whatsoever. but i've been thinking (as morbid as it sounds). if i die young, i would want life after death and taxes to be my song that everyone plays, because it has such a good chorus: "and this is how i choose to live, as if i'm jumping off a cliff, knowing that you'll save me, knowing that you'll save me. and after all the stupid things i did, there's nothing left there to forgive, because you already forgave me, you already forgave me. never forget, there's life after death and taxes. forgiveness comes, all other acts, is what passes away." etc. whatever. but now i think i know how i want to be remembered. maybe. i want to touch somebody's life. even if it's just a hello or a smile, or if it was something big, i want to touch somebody's life. they may forget about it, but maybe one day they'll think about it and it will make them smile again. and i'll always be remembered in heaven, because Jesus said whatever we do unto another we do unto Him.

it's always hard to feel like you're not good enough. but on this trip, sometimes i just felt like i was in the way. especially when i was doing my lesson. some might think i'm making too big a deal out of a five minute devotional type thing, but then again, that person doesn't know that i'm absolutely terrified of getting in front of a group of people. i'm scared of failure. i'm convinced that someone else can do a much better job than i could ever do. (this is where my inferiority complex comes into play, imaginary or not). i understand that it was just help, general guidelines, and hello, i asked for it. but i felt like we could look right at me and sing "mirror mirror on the wall, who's the stupidest of them all?" i was just not top notch that night. but..never mind. not going there.

i know it's all about stepping outside of comfort zones. but the thing about comfort zones are...they're so comfortable!

i feel like this post may be contradicting the good times i depicted in my last entry. however, let me fix that misconception: i had a great time in kentucky. it was an eye-opening experience. all the things i mentioned were good things, i promise. (well except the whole feeling useless thing but whatever). i feel like i found a friend that understands me on a deeper level; however superficial that may sound. and who knows, it might be all in my head.

i wish that i could know what it is that God has for me, what my life holds for the future. sometimes i just wish i could know what's going on. sometimes i wish i could stop falling for the wrong guy and getting my heart hurt. sometimes i wish i knew where God has me to be in life.

but then again, that'd take all the fun out of living, wouldn't it?

mission: louisville.

i've found the rivaling match to the messy games sundae slip'n'slide! and it's the muddy regular slip'n'slide down the hill by the basketball court at vine street baptist in louisville kentucky! it was so much fun purposely throwing myself down a hill into a mud puddle repeatedly. i don't think i've ever been so dirty in my life...we did this game with flour so i was covered in flour and mud...my clothes aren't the same color anymore...ahh it was great.

so here's the rundown of mission:louisville;;

sunday - commissioned as missionaries in morning service at coaling, then we left and got on the bus to go to kentucky. we left at 11:30 AL time. we got to kentucky about, well, between 11 and 12 pm KY time. (thats an hour ahead of AL time.) that's a loooong bus ride. see, what happened was that we got stuck in traffic on the interstate...some big wreck, loooong traffic jam. we made friends with every person we passed on the interstate because we were going so slow, and managed to drive all adults present crazy at the same time. lol. so we get to KY (and it's not even dark there till like 930 no kidding!) and then we get "orientation" from josh, then we go to the Legacy Center on seminary's campus and go to our rooms, unpack, go to bed. and the LC, trav hooked us up! it was nice! two big rooms, plus a big bathroom. one bed, one fold out couch (two people apiece) and a closet, a desk and armchair in each room, tv in each room (and great music channel to listen to in the morning while getting ready) yes sir. it was dope.

monday - was at VSBC at nine am KY time (until otherwise noted, all times are KY times) after a 2:30 am bedtime, and we started out by having a prayer walk around the neighborbood. we were in the ghetto. we ate a late b'fast, cleaned up (wiping down toys, cleaning out janitor closets, mopping downstairs, wiping down playground equiptment..lots of bleach and water). then we ate lunch, cleaned a little more, moved tables and chairs, had VBS. it was so not what i expected. it was better :).

tuesday - we washed, vaccumed, and windexed the VSBC van, painted some bookcases and cubby holes white with primer, and the boys worked all day cutting down some vines and trees and bushes along the gate of the church. hot work. out in the sun all day. then VBS.

wednesday - we finished painting the furniture, and the boys finished the fence. pretty much took up all day, then VBS.

thursday - was our free day. we started out by going to indiana and going into the bass pro shop (only we would go into a bass pro shop for our free time in indiana) but it was sooo much more fun than i thought it would be. it was so neat, it had a little river thing running through it with fish in it, and a big aquarium (like one an actual aquarium would have) with huge fish it in, and a game place where you could walk around and play some shooting game thing. it was fun. then we drove back to kentucky (and over the ohio river) and went to eat at ollie's trolley, and it was not cardboard tasting, it was good! haha. we walked to the end of the block to sit in the park and eat. thennn we went to the louisville slugger museum which was a LOT more dro than i thought it would be. we got free bats as a souvineer and got to play in the batting cages. fun fun. then we went shopping and went into the coolest music store in the world --- ear x-tacy. (look for the bumper sticker on my car next time okay) and i got a "keep louisville weird" shirt. then we went to the smoothie king and i had my first ever smoothie. then we went out to eat at wick's, a pizza place in downtown louisville, and i took the best picture ever haha (on myspace!) and we went back to VSBC for VBS, then josh came over after VBS, and we played cards for a while (spoons, beware!) and he stayed till two am to help me with my lesson (yes i procrastinated okay).

friday - we were supposed to go wash windows around the neighborhood but no one was home or else they were asleep, so we just cleaned up a little park instead and went back to the church and hung out with the youth up there. after lunch we went to the field down vine street some and played football and ultimate frisbee all afternoon. then VBS - Hannah's mini surprise party and my lesson! (it was short. really short. but sweet). and then we got to play in the slip'n'slide!! i've got scrapes and scratches but it was 2much fun.

saturday - got up, packed, left by 830, got home about 530 (AL time). we stopped along the way to go to mammath cave, pretty cool (cool as in coooold). then we drove a lot...it rained from tennessee to the petro..and i got a little sleep.


*****
so. all in all. this was like the best trip ever. i'm sure i've said that about some other trip too but i honestly enjoyed this one. don't get me wrong, there were imperfections: we got on each other's nerves, we occasionally felt unwelcome and underappreciated, we had a few arguments and a few problems between the youth groups (aka stealing). but if there's one thing i learned this week, it's that "it's not about me".

and my lesson i was so worried about? i was so scared to do it in a room full of strangers..but i didn't think of one important thing: by friday, every face in that room was a friend, not a stranger at all.

one week of my life. 24/7 dedication to Christ. 9 fellow youth workers. at least 20 new friends. one old familiar face. lots of new faces not easily forgotten. one week i'd never trade for anything.

anticipation.

okay, so tomorrow is mission:louisville. somehow i still feel like, at least where i'm concerned, that it may turn out to be mission:impossible.

this is the first trip in the past year that i haven't had second thoughts about. every other trip i tell myself i'm not going, and then last minute i decide that i am, or else i know i'm going but decide a few days before that i don't want to go anymore. but even with the prospect of entering into this mission trip unprepared except in prayer, i'm still itching to go. there's not been one time that i said i wasnt going on this trip. and here it is, just a few hours shy of departure time and i'm still ready to board that bus for six long hours of travel.

and man, i love to travel. but six hours in a bus just seems like a whole lot. seems like a lot. it will probably go by really fast. i wish we were flying (um, not counting the expense factor, of course). i looove to fly. airports make me feel sophisticated. :)

never.

i throw up my hands
"oh, the impossibilities"
frustrated and tired
where do i go from here?
now i'm searching for the confidence i've lost so willingly
overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fear

never underestimate my Jesus.
you're telling me that there's no hope.
i'm telling you you're wrong.

never underestimate my Jesus
when the world around you crumbles
He will be strong, He will be strong

i think i can't, i think i can't
but i think You can, i think You can
i think i can't, i think i can't
but i think You can, i think You can
gather my insufficiencies and
place them in Your hands,
place them in Your hands,
place them in Your hands...

hope.

these are the kinda days that a "leap of faith" seems impossible. that where i'm usually confident, i'm so totally faith-less. deep inside me i tell myself that i'll never be able to make it on my own, that i'll never be able to leave.

next week i'm going to be teaching a group of youth (supposedly) in a church that i've never attended. the only person i know in the whole state of kentucky is josh. (not counting the cute boy i met on the airplane from chicago, i didn't even find out his name..just that he lives in ky and works there, and that he'd been to chicago to visit friends..anyway that doesnt have anything to do with this.) okay, so im doing this lesson or whatever, and scared to death. okay, so everyone knows i can't deal with public speaking. and now im doing a lesson in front of a group of strangers?

i'm not going to make it.

otherwise, kentucky is in t minus 4 days. and it seems great :)

another thing i realized tonight is that friends -- real friends -- are priceless. they are the best things in the world to have. and i've just lost sight of that lately. my brother always tells me that i have a lot of friends. i would disagree. i know a lot of people. there is a difference. it just seems like i can't hold onto a particular person. in a world filled with people, and no one likes me enough to like me "best"? it's just that sometimes i feel a little lonely.

and when there's not a best in the picture for a while, you start to notice who else is hanging around the edges. like tonight at church, the people that came to fill the chairs at the table i was sitting at. you can just tell by who sits by who and whos talking and laughing and sharing jokes..

then there's those that really mess you up. the ones you think will be more than friends. they get number one treatment, and they make you lose your head about who is REALLY important. because in the end, they are the ones that disappear. i've always heard, jokingly, that the worst words in the english language are "we need to talk." i disagree. i believe that the worst words in the english language are, "i never meant to hurt you." because after they've said it, it means that they already HAVE hurt you. and you know what? in the end, it hurts just the same. then you're left to pick up the pieces and move on.

and does it seem for anyone else that you can only get who you dont want?
or does that only work out that way for me?

and it seems impossible. even to me. but i'm still holding out hope. :(

tomorrow.

"the best part of believe is the lie."




i keep my jealousy close
cause it's all mine
and if you say this makes you happy
then i'm not the only one lying...
Keep quiet
nothing comes as easy as you
can i lay in your bed all day?
i'll be your best kept secret
and your biggest mistake
the hand behind this pen
relives a failure everyday...
so wear me like a locket
around your throat
i'll weigh you down
i'll watch you choke,
you look so good in blue...

congratulations.

and i'm so angry at you. you *lied* to me. that's one thing that i cannot stand. not liars...but when you have to lie to a person you care about to avoid hurting their feelings. instead, you make a bigger mess than you had to begin with.
congratulations.

lyrics.

I'll tell you flat out
it hurts so much to think of this
so from my thoughts I will exclude
this very thing that
I hate more than everything is
the way I'm powerless
to dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
so many things that could've been much more
and I just pray
my problems go away if they're ignored
but that's not the way it works
no that's not the way it works

when I go down
I go down hard
and I take everything I've learned
and teach myself some disregard
when I go down
it hurts to hit the bottom
and of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
into a place where
peace can search me out and find
that I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
the hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
so many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
the secret to find an end to this
and I just pray
my problems go away if they're ignored
but that's not the way it works
no that's not the way it works
--rk, when i go down


I guess it's safe to say you're never coming back
And I understand why you wouldn't want to
I guess it's up to me to find a way to get to you

And I can't see you
Getting used to
Living in the midst of your perfection
And I'm so lost
How can you trust
Somewhere the sun is always shining

And there's just one last thing that I have to say
As we reflect on the mess of all this that I've made
It was cowardice that made me push you away
I was so afraid cause you were so much better than me
--rk, the thief



I think you know what I'm getting at
I find it so upsetting that
the memories that you select you keep the bad but the good you just forget

and even though I'm angry I can still say
I know my heart will break the day
when you peel out and drive away
I can't believe this happened

And all this time I never thought
that all we had would be all for not

No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
cause you took this too far

Make your decision and don't you dare think twice
go with your instincts along with some bad advice
this didn't turn out the way I thought it would at all
you blame me but some of this is still your fault

I tried to move you, but you just wouldn't budge
I tried to hold your hand but you'd rather hold your grudge
I think you know what I'm getting at
you said goodbye and I just don't want you regretting that

and wisdom always chooses
these black eyes and these bruises
over the heartache that they say
never completely goes away
(I just can't believe this happened
and one day we'll see this come around)

what happened to us
i heard that it's me we should blame
what happened to us
why didn't you stop me from turning out this way
and know that I don't hate you
and know that I don't want to fight you
and know that I'll always love you
but right now I just don't...
--rk, which to bury, us or the hatchet?






*********
i'm just a little sad.
it's awful that i've let someone have so much power over my emotions.

coyotes.

wishing
hoping
wanting
longing
waiting...
for something more

xxxxx

i wanna go to a coyote ugly bar
i wanna move like the coyotes
and i wanna dance on the bartop

leaving.

"its not good for a boy to want something with all his heart and then be disappointed. things like that can hurt for a long time.' -sotm



everybody's leaving.
i want to leave with them.

journal.

"tonight i just feel like we're distancing ourselves away from each other with each and every wall i build between us. and this side of me doesn't feel like [her]. it feels like a little girl, swimming in an ocean all by myself."

inevitable.

i just can't get it off my mind. i know that hate is a strong word, but it's filled my thoughts and words for at least the last week. i wish i could just get it out and get finished with it, but i can't. it's too hard when everyone knows but you. it always creeps into my conversations uninvited and it won't ever go away. and yes, it's too soon for jokes, so stop. it's not funny. it won't ever be funny. it's like i always have so much to say, but when it comes right down to it, i can't get it out right and i just mess everything up all over again. i just can't seem to get it right. ever. is it just the dianna curse or something? i just don't get it. i wish i could just say i don't care anymore, but i'm such a bad liar.

this has been the worst week ever. really. i dont even have good dictionaries. they suck. it's less than a month for school to be out, and i swear i've never been so ready.

consequently: as a result, therefore; because of the reason given
inevitable: impossible to avoid or prevent

i really like the definition of inevitable.


i just wish i could say what i feel!!!

shadows.

i have a heart on my belly as well as in my hand.

the tanning bed is the perfect place to lie and think about anything and everything.
i don't really care if i die from skin cancer. it's great.

prom is tomorrow night.

four weeks till school's out.

four weeks till i'm officially a senior.

and only slightly less than two months till i go to kentucky.

reading 1 peter.





one of the most profound statements i've ever heard (and one that rings most true for me) is:
the shadow proves the sunshine

i have to resort to quotes to say this:

>>it's the same old song being broadcasted on the radio...saying i'm not worth your time


>>there are some things in life that are better left unknown;; things you wish you never asked, never saw, never heard, and never felt


>>there's no point in trying to talk to you, i've tried to have a conversation with you so many times, but all that comes out is that empty feeling in my stomach and it makes me realize you will never feel the same way about me as i do about you


>>she's telling lies about how she feels inside. she can't stand the way things are. she only wants it all to change. what he doesn't know is how much she truly cares.


>>i'm a hopeless romantic, i believe in wishing on stars, soul mates, and a love that never ends. but yet, sometimes i feel so alone...no matter what i try to do.

i have to resort to quotes to say this:

>>it's the same old song being broadcasted on the radio...saying i'm not worth your time


>>there are some things in life that are better left unknown;; things you wish you never asked, never saw, never heard, and never felt


>>there's no point in trying to talk to you, i've tried to have a conversation with you so many times, but all that comes out is that empty feeling in my stomach and it makes me realize you will never feel the same way about me as i do about you


>>she's telling lies about how she feels inside. she can't stand the way things are. she only wants it all to change. what he doesn't know is how much she truly cares.


>>i'm a hopeless romantic, i believe in wishing on stars, soul mates, and a love that never ends. but yet, sometimes i feel so alone...no matter what i try to do.

ideals.

i want a boy who isn't just my boyfriend, but my best friend. i want a boy who knows that i'm lying when i say "i'm fine" after he asks me how i am. who calls to talk to me just because he was thinking of me but doesn't really have anything to say. who will call or IM just to say goodnight. who is not only comfortable spending time with not just me but my family, and blends right on in. who will take care of me when i'm sick. who will kiss me in the car. who is content just sitting on the couch with his arms around me. who will write me sweet notes even though it's really not his thing. who will take the lead. who will make fun of me but not in a mean way. who will go shopping with me. who will make me laugh. who will go to church with me. who will take the time to walk in the rain holding hands. a boy who makes holding hands exciting. one i can't wait to see. the one i don't feel like i have to clean house for or impress. one i can be myself around. a boy who truly likes me for me.

i think this boy lives in my imagination and there is no such person. but it's a nice try.

power of prayer.

i absoulutely love the power of prayer.


friday. ten minutes before the bell was to ring for the end of school, the assistant principal gets on the intercom and says that the bell will be held until 3:15 due to the severe thunderstorm warning out for tuscaloosa county. (RANT #1: who in the WORLD holds school over for a SEVERE THUNDERSTORM WARNING? it wasn't even raining outside! we were the ONLY county in alabama that had a warning of any kind, and they hold us over? the day the weather was supposed to be *REALLY* bad, and every county surrounding us gets out of school a couple hours early, we stay in till 3. but for a severe thunderstorm warning coming out of the blus, and they hold us over???) okay. there's the first rant. and it wouldn't be so bad if it were only the fifteen minutes we had to stay over. but no. we stayed after school an HOUR before they let us out. and we still had the thunderstorm warning when we left. the ONLY THING IT DID in the hour we stayed was lightening a couple times, thunder once, and rain for two seconds. i swear. it poured for two seconds then it stopped. it was the craziest thing. i knooow the storm wasn't moving THAT fast. okay, so now it's four in the afternoon and i get in my car to drive home. i missed my tanning appointment (thanks a lot, school board), so i go straight home. on the way home, it starts to rain so hard i can't even see the road. it doesn't help that justin was driving home in front of me and he didn't have his lights on...his car is silver so it blended right on in with the rain sheet in front of me. (RANT #2: they hold me after school for an HOUR while it does nothing...we're not allowed to go anywhere in the school, we had to stay in our classrooms; while it did nothing...NOTHING. and then, they let me out just in time to drive home in the pouring rain. i could have made in home an hour earlier than what i did AND completely missed the rain if i could have gotten out at 3 like i was supposed to.)


pretty much an awesome weekend though.



and i got a surprise tonight. it was a thing that stephanie and i prayed about last night in our discussion we had. thus which prompting me to say "i love the power of prayer."

shiver.

You build me up
You knock me down
Provoke a smile
And make me frown
You are the queen of runaround
You know it's true

You chew me up
And spit me out
Enjoy the taste
I leave in your mouth
You look at me
I look at you
Neither of us know what to do

[Chorus:]
There may not
Be another way to your heart
So I guess I'd better find a new way in
I shiver when I hear your name
Think about you but it's not the same
I won't be satisfied 'till I'm under your skin

Immobilized by the thought of you
Paralyzed by the sight of you
Hypnotized by the words you say
Not true but I believe 'em anyway

So come to bed It's getting late
There's no more time for us to waste
Remember how my body tastes
You feel your heart begin to race

[Repeat chorus x3]

shiver::maroon 5

happiness.

"happiness at the sake of another isn't happiness."

whenever i used to read that quote, i thought that it meant you couldn't be happy if you got that happiness by making fun of somebody else. i don't know, that's just what i thought when i heard that quote.

but today, when i was thinking about it, i decided that maybe it meant that when you rely so much on some other person to make you happy, then you truly aren't happy. because people let you down. so when you aren't happy because of something that's happened with the person who "makes you happy", were you truly ever happy in the first place? the only person we should ever rely on for happiness is God, because He has given us every reason in the whole world to be happy.

thinking...

i've been thinking hard about a lot of things lately. and i've decided that sometimes, being stubborn isn't always what it's cracked up to be. sometimes you just gotta suck it up and make the first move. it's killing you the way it is, but it might kill you to make the move and get rejected. either way, it's killing you. so you might as well get the final answer. if it's good, then hey, great. if not, it's time to (slowly) move on. i'm glad that i decided that. sometimes things really do turn out for the good. sometimes they don't. and i know that things will never be the way they once were, and right now at this moment i don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. it's too early to tell. but one things for sure: it has to get better from here. but i've also learned not to say that it can't get much worse. because it can. and i had a smile tonight.

passion.

i can't believe that it's come down to this.
it's really sad.



******


i think that this is the first easter that i've actually caught a glimpse of the magnitude of what Christ really did for all of us. it's amazing.

amazing.

anger.

anger is such a stupid emotion.
why waste time being mad about something.
it doesn't accomplish anything.
instead i believe we should be sad.
at least sadness is beautiful.

college towns.

i did some heavy thinking this morning getting ready for school. it was really really crazy.

i was thinking about how i decided i don't like living in a college town. you meet so many people, but they are from everywhere, nobody really lives here on a permanent basis. so when they get finished with school they go home back to wherever they lived before they came to UA. it's really sad. i just want people to stay.

then i started to think about how i'm going to be moving to another college town, and i'm going to be one of those people that only live in a certain place for four or so years and get close to people, then wham bam thank you ma'am, i get a degree, graduate, and i'm moving on back to home sweet home.

i am stressing out way before time to stress out.

this is the first time that the thought of college has actually scared me. going to school and still being here is one thing, you've got family friends everyone. but i'm going off all alone.

i have two scholarship applications in my possession as of right now. i have to fill them out and send them off.



all this from the notion that maybe i really don't like living in a college town.

then i thought, you're stupid. you know you do.



and now i need to do some math homework. i'm going crazy.

please...

tell me its worth fighting for...

favorites.

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on...

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind


[the fray]




i'm a bitter person.

this i know.

i'm in love with this quote site that i found. its amazing. and all of the quotes just relate right now. but i can't post them...sadly.

it's been like two months since i was completely happy. since the middle of february. actually, around valentines day.

but as switchfoot says 'happy is a yuppie word'

reasons.

everyone comes into your life for a reason, right?

i wonder why certain people come into my life. i wonder why i feel a certain way about people and what they are supposed to mean. you know? exactly what it is about them that is going to impact my life.

i wonder why some people get so close to you, only to fall away.
i wonder why you get involved with people, for them only to break your heart.
i wonder why nobody can tell anybody the truth, we all hide how we feel, what we say, what we do.
i wonder why two people who are meant to be together just can't be that way...
without restrictions, without guilt, just together and happy.
i wonder what the significance of meeting a person for only a few hours will do for the rest of my life.

i wonder why certain people keep appearing over and over in the same place even when you both thought it was done.

i know its been said that you shouldn't worry about the people in your past, because there's a reasong they're not in your future, but what if the people you think are your past keep appearing in your future?

i just wish i could know exactly what it is about a person that will change me forever. that will tell me something or smile at me and make my world a better place.

and on the other hand, what exactly am i to do? did i smile at someone today and make their day a little brighter? did i wave at a friend going down the road and make them laugh? did i do something to impact someone else, even it was in a small way? am i to dramatically change someone's life one day?

will i ever meet the one person who i mesh with completely and have a chance to build a lifetime together? will i ever get the chance to further a relationship that i currently have?

and for answers, i'll just reply with 'every answer asks an even more beautiful question.'

*******
i guess it's one of those you'll know when you get there kinda things.
*******

course selections.

we talked about meshing today. webster's defines meshing as the fitting or coming together of gear teeth, but we were using it to mean the fitting or coming together of people. i know it kinda sounds crazy, but i swear it totally made sense. we were talking about how we mesh with someone...(actually we were specifically talking about people and situations but i'll leave that for another time another place). we were talking about how people seem just made to be together, and how it just sometimes doesn't happen, even though it just needs to because they deserve a chance.

indifference.

"i'm not yours and baby, you're not mine, but we've got something that sure is fine, let's take our love one night at a time. there's one thing that we both agree, i like you and baby you like me, lets take our love one night at a time."

george straight's been in my cd player the past couple of days. love him. songs hit home.

i had a lot to say tonight. but i don't believe i actually have the time and words to actually get it out. so i'll try again some other time.

i just wish that everything would work out the way i envision it. i wish that there was a fly on the wall that could tell me what i don't see. i wish i could replay the events back, like an out of body experience where i could watch everything. i wish i could understand. i wish i knew.

but if i knew, then i would be knowing.

i think i'm leading myself to believe in something that's never going to happen.

how can someone act so indifferent? it's unbelievable.



words aren't coming right now....

the best friday.

today was a good day.

watched walk the line. ate cheeseburger pizza for the first time. had a good time. (thanks!)

sang some disney songs.

went to a weenie roast! hotdogs and SMORES! perfect ending!

last minute.

i went to church this morning but i left emptier than i came. i've been on a trip with the same five people since tuesday morning. and i didn't get to go to church wednesday night. i love to go to church. and part of the going to church thing is to be in fellowship with other believers, right? i left this morning feeling very unfellowshipped.

this week we talked a lot about best friends and who we trusted. aubrey talked about her friend amanda, who she trusted more than anyone in the world and that they were so close, etc. and i don't have a friend like that. i used to. we could sit in my car for hours talking about everything and anything. we knew each other inside and out. it was more than friends, it was like being sisters. but we've lost that. then i thought i got lucky and was blessed with someone else like that. and for a while, it was like that. but not anymore. not even close.

it's so weird that the ones i felt most connected to are the ones that i am now missing the most.

i was thinking tonight about one of my friends. we have one of those close, not so close friendships, but i'll never forget a few years ago when he hung out with me when my best friend kinda forgot i was there. i really didn't even know him at all. and he doesn't even know how grateful i am, but it meant a lot to me. and, i'm still not going to tell him. he thinks i'm a weirdo already. but it still meant a lot.

now tell me what's the good in that, that he'll never know?

feeling alone has got to be the worst feeling ever.

i know i said i couldn't wait to go to new york to "get away" from everything here. like it was going to be a way to forget everything at home. but it was totally not like that. if anything, it was more so present there.

all i proved to myself in new york was that i make bad decisions when i am away from home. and that i just think to myself that i'm getting away, when in actuality, i called someone from home everyday. at least one person, if not more. so its not it.

i know exactly what it is that i'm searching for. and it has nothing to do with getting away. and i can tell you exactly what it is that should be the answer. but i can also tell you that i can't find a way to be satisfied.

i can point out every single one of my insecurities and my faults and everything that's wrong with me. but if you asked me what my strong points are i wouldn't be able to tell you anything. and i can name the one person that doesn't even care about all of that, and loves me soo much anyway. and i can point out the one that doesnt.

it saddens me.

i've been doing soo good. or so i thought. i've been stopping myself from commenting, from emailing, from talking. but it's no good because i just can't stop myself. i can't cut off all communication. even though that's really what would be best.

but i just can't do it. i'm a failure. i couldn't even go anorexic when i tried because i liked food too much to stop eating.

and you know that saying: "you never lose by loving, but you always lose from holding back"? it's wrong. you lose both ways. i'm living proof. you keep on and it's all the same. then you find one that's so much different, but then you find out it's really not that much different because it ends up just like all the rest.

i've been cleaning my room. and i've thrown away so much stuff. if it even remotely has an emotional attachment, i threw it away. i don't want to be reminded over and over of what i've never had. i wish i could throw more than just material stuff away. like, say, memories? that'd be nice.

the bad side: radio disappoints me. honestly i think that radio ruins music. there are so many good songs out there. and then radio latches onto them and plays them over and over and over. even stations that claim a "variety" play the same variety again and again. 'you and me' used to be a good song. now i can't even listen to it without thinking, "i hate this song". and it's our freakin' prom song! annnnd um, 'photograph' is getting way old, and weezer's 'beverly hills'. i don't even listen to that song on the cd any more. i just skip right over it. and 'you're beautiful', i heard it one day and i could sing it two days later because i heard it so much. therefore, radio disappoints me.

then on the plus side, radio promotes unknown bands and is a way i listen to music i normally wouldn't, like i wouldn't buy the cd if i didn't hear the single on the radio. so i guess that's good.

stupid sayings.

and i have to say, i kind of like being an open book. i don't like the part about my secrets not being a secret to anyone but me, but about the fact that people can tell when i'm upset or depressed or something...and can say just the right thing to make it better without me speaking a word.

i'm in way over my head.

maybe if more people would just tell me things up front instead of beating around the bush about everything, i'd actually know for something for sure instead of reading other stuff causing speculation...

just tell me the truth, okay? is it too much to ask for? don't you trust me enough? don't i matter enough?

emotions.

here is my confession: i should never ever drive when i'm emotional. because i am a speed demon more so emotionally than when i'm just regular. lesson learned tonight: it's not a good idea to go 75 on highway 11.

emotion - (n.) a strong surge of feeling; any of the feelings of fear, sorrow, joy, hate, or love; physical or psychological reaction to feelings.


today's the day when i wish i could throw away the emotion and just not care anymore.

i've been taught tonight how deceived i am by my own self, how gullible i am, and how completely naive i am.

and it's not really a nice feeling.

my feelings are hurt too easily. i need to fix that. fix myself so i dont hurt.

my feelings are hurt now. they shouldn't be. but they are.

but eventually i'll find a way not to care.

hymns.

we sang my favorite hymn today in church:

because He lives,
i can face tomorrow
because He lives,
all fear is gone
because i know
He holds the future
and life is worth the living
just because He lives

movies.

"i hate the way you talk to me
and the way you cut your hair
i hate the way you drive my car
i hate it when you stare
i hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind
i hate you so much it makes me sick
it even makes me rhyme
i hate the way you're always right
i hate it when you lie
i hate it when you make me laugh
even worse when you make me cry
i hate it when you're not around
and the fact you didn't call
but mostly i hate the way i don't hate you
not even close
not even a little bit
not any at all."

and i'm reading bad girls of the bible. it is really good. i like it. and even though it was written for women and by a woman, i think that men can learn from it too. the title makes it sound bad but its not, its so good. :)

chalk.

i learned so much today and i wish i could like automatically remember everything so i wouldn't forget any BIT of what i absorbed today.

the leadership conference i went on today was halfway really boring and halfway interesting. but it was so much fun. i am so glad i finally decided to go and not stay at school like i was planning on last night.

i'm glad that i never listen to myself.

i learned that maybe i am a leader after all. being a leader isn't about being in charge. it's about having the ability to influence somebody elses life. and in this way, we're all leaders. we may be good leaders or bad leaders but we're all leaders. and these people that you are leading are more influnced by your actions, and not your words. so your life can be an example for someone else and you may never know it.

i also learned not to make decisions based on how feelings. how often have i said something or wrote something because i was angry or sad and then regretted it later? too often. decisions that are good decisions aren't rash ones based on the emotion that you feel at the time.

also, i learned that love is not a feeling, it is a choice. (don't ask me how i learned this at a leadership conference). but anyway, it's like sometimes you wake up and you say to yourself, "i don't feel like i love this person today." but you do love them. it's hard to explain, but i know what it is that i'm trying to say.

it was absolutely beautiful outside today. it gives me such a free and careless feeling to walk outside with bare feet and a messy ponytail and twirl around in the sunshine. it gives me a feeling of joy to drive just a little too fast with the windows down and the music really loud. it makes me excited that i spent a whole afternoon outside in shorts.

if only.

if only
i could find the words
i need to
express myself

ash wednesday.

tonight we were supposed to give up something for ash wednesday. i didn't give anything up. instead, i added something. daily Bible study. something i need anyway.


because i feel like i'm already giving up too much.


today was the first day of march. it was supposed to be a good day.
not unexpectedly, it wasn't.


and i almost wish that i could say i hated him. but more than anything, i just wish that everything could just be understood. completely and totally understood.

bad fry days.

its really hard when you're struggling with bad decisions. its hard to want something, the same thing, of the world and of God. i know that you're not supposed to have both. salt water and fresh water dont come out of the same place, right? well i think that in this instance it will. maybe not can, but it will. i'm going to achieve it even if it means hurting myself in the process.

two more weeks.

i got a package in the mail today from some leadership thing in washington dc that some people want me to go to, because apparently i am a leader. but i want people to know I AM NOT A LEADER, i am a follower. i'm not cut out to be a leader, or a people person, or a frickin car host, or in charge of anything.

however, today in second, i was staring into space after i took my science test, and i got this feeling to look over at my teachers computer. and her screensavers are absolutely beautiful. just different pictures of things out in nature: sunny days, leaves, snow, waterfalls, wild animals, butterflies, and my personal favorite, a heart drawn in the sand at the beach. and i just felt that God was telling me, "look! look what i made for you to enjoy! i made it all for you! isn't it beautiful?" and i just had to have a praise prayer right then to thank God! it was a good moment. :)

oh, and along with my medicine, i think i need a dose of apathy.

i'm so glad that today is the last day in february.
good thing february only has 28 days.
i'm so tired of february.
march should be much better.

sore throats.

man im so bummed. its all i can think about. and i dont know why. oh, i lie. yes i do. i just dont want to tell you.

rainy days.

isnt it sad how i measure my life by weekends and wednesdays?

that sounds like a good name for a song, actually. weekends and wednesdays.



i need some good words to say tonight.

rock climbing.

i wanna go rock climbing again. to the cross. i need some of that again. yeahhh. i feel so close to God there. everything feels tangible. my thoughts, my feelings, my words on paper. everything seems deeper and more profound. i want it back. and i want it my way: no one there thats gonna talk, read over my shoulder, or act stupid. it should be a reflecting only kind of place.

and i'm dying to go back there.






i never ever have the words to say. i wish i could say what it is exactly that i feel to who i want to say it to, without feeling stupid or them thinking i'm too extreme, stupid, or in way way over my head.

love story.

i finished story today. it was a really good book.

things i learned about love:

1. love is sacrifice.
>the lover sacrifices for his beloved. and vice versa. in God's case, it was the ultimate sacrifice as a lover for us, His beloved, to send His son to die for us just because he loved us that much.

2. love is a mystery, and it doesn't make sense.
>if you try to explain it, does it truly make sense? if you can define love, explain it, or make it sound reasonable, can you say you actually experienced it? can you tell yourself why it is you like that particular person so much? now, can you explain Jesus, define Him, or make Him sound reasonable? He became man just because of love. true love. for us. to die. for us. to live again. for us. to be a savior. for us.

3. love is joy.
>1 Peter 1:8 - you love Him even though you have never seen Him. though you do not see Him, you trust Him; and even now you are happy with a glorious, inexpressible joy. "if the story of Jesus is true, then hope has been reborn and can never die. ... as ... facts of Jesus' resurrection became established, His friends were filled with unbelievable confusion, hope, wonder, and joy." if the story of love is true, then hope has been reborn and can never die. ... as ... facts of love became established, its friends were filled with unbelievable confusion, hope, wonder, and joy. inexpressable joy.

4. love is a story.
>love is a story between two people. it's when the two separate stories intertwine into one for a little while or a long while. love is the story between God and me. between God and you. love is the story of Jesus' life, his death, and his rising again.



im leaving with this song, not the hymn, but the other version.

come ye sinners, poor and needy
weak and wounded, sick and sore
Jesus ready stands to save you
full of pity, love, and power

come ye thirsty, come and welcome
God's free bounty glorified
true believe and true repentance
every grace that brings you nigh

i will rise and go to Jesus
he will embrace me in his arms
in the arms of my dear savior
oh there are ten thousand charms

come ye weary, heavy-laden
lost and ruined by the fall
if you tarry till you're better
you will never come at all

fairy tales.

today felt like a fairy tale...



there were so many **sweet** letters, emails, and quotes i read today.

but i can't say i didn't like it. :)

complicated.

today was interesting.

complicated.

"keep quiet.
nothing comes as easy as you,
can i lay in your bed all day?
i'll be your best kept secret
and your biggest mistake,
the hand behind this pen
relives a failure everyday."

tell me why that's my fave song off that cd.


sometimes i feel like i'm the only one believing.

therapy.

valentines day tomorrow.

it's been better than expected.

but ultimately i'm better with a pen in my hand. writing is therapy.

sweet.

i wanna be the only hand you need to hold on to...

rules of attraction.

"sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same thing."

and when you have to do these things, it hurts.

but maybe it works out better in the long run.

there should be a new rule of attraction: you shouldn't be allowed to like someone unless they like you back.

because it just gets messy.

impulse (n): force communicated instantaneously, effect of a sudden communication of motion, influence acting on the mind motive; sudden determination.

vain (a): without real value; empty, worthless, ineffectual light-minded; conceited. --in vain, to no purpose.


two things i've been thinking about. "vain" just because i've heard it so many times in the past few days. talking..and in reading pride and prejudice.

and impulse. i was just thinking about acting impulsively and then regretting what it is that you did. but then i started to think of that quote "never regret anything because it was once something you really wanted" and while that saying can't be held up very well, i believe it can apply in this instance. can...not always, but sometimes.

early.

but it has been brought to my attention that i don't like valentines day.

not thus far.

the weekend.

i had the most fabulous weekend. for the most part. until like 3:30 today.

we didn't end up at the movies like i previously said. however, we did end up at a friends house watching a movie and lying to our parents and breaking curfew. perfect way to spend a saturday.

then yay for two and half hour lunches. not for the food, but for the company. (and i still haven't decided about that salad).

but for the past two hours, i've been sitting in my room (with my swirly light bulb that half lights up my room) and coloring little squares of graph paper with too-thick markers, while singing in my head to the songs that come on the radio and mentally beating myself up.

i dont see how i've become this way. like, i was all happy and listening to the radio and coloring and everything, but like in five minutes i was hating on myself and thinking about different stuff, then i got this longing to be in my daddy's arms, which made me think about how i don't even remember doing that in my whole life. then i started crying. i dont know what's wrong with me.

i've turned into such a different person than i used to be. and over such a short period of a time. i've been so stupid. i can't listen to myself, who else am i going to listen to? i've lied to my only parental, gotten irritated with my grandmother when she came to help me paint my room out of the goodness of her heart , met a complete stranger that i met on the internet at his place of work one friday night in a secluded place, drove way too fast, gotten the rep as the youth whore, spent my saturday night out at a place where my mom didn't know where i was, not cared about my grades or my schoolwork even though this is when it counts...

and what about **no more boys**?? my resolve is sinking along with my heart.

i feel like a disappointment. to myself. to God. to all of my friends. how can anyone stand to be around me? how can i expect something great when i'm nothing myself? how can it be possible to connect more with your best friend in three hours than two months? how can i be so hard on myself? but then again, how can i go easy on myself?

your greatest enemy will always be yourself.

i want freedom. freedom from my life. freedom from myself. freedom to choose where i go and what i do and how late i stay out and not have to call and check in.

i've grown up way too fast.

controlling time.

i was thinking today that it would be kinda cool to control time. to be able to speed it up and slow it down as i pleased so i could age faster or slower.

i mentioned this to someone, and they said that way i'd be fast forwarding them through their senior year. so i revised it and said it would only be time speeded up for me, nobody else could notice days going by faster or slower. it'd be regular to them, and fast for me, but yet we'd all be on the same day together. that way i could go ahead and do what i want.

i've had a sense of apathy today. i just don't care.

i don't know why i'm so lonely..on a friday night..

maybe if i try not to think about it, it wont matter as much.

maybe if i lie to myself long enough, i might start to believe me.

best friends.

i realized tonight that i have no best friend. a few people have the "best friend" title, but its not a live up to it kind of thing. but i guess i could be as much to blame for that as them.

but i haven't talked to anyone outside of my family on the phone for the past few days except for one person who doesn't even go to my school. i see people in school, and we're "friends" and i talk to people on the internet, and we're "friends" but i have no REAL best friend. someone i can count on to be there for me, to go with me anywhere, to change plans to go somewhere with me, to listen and give advice, to help me through the hard times, to talk to everyday about everything and anything, to crash at their house and consider it my second home, to not ring the doorbell, to help myself in the kitchen because i know where everything is, and someone who knows that i'd do all this and more for them.

but i don't. not anymore.

and i really miss it.

far from perfect.

today i have been hit over the head continually with the realization that not every one lives the way i do. when i said this to someone earlier, they paused and said, "duh!" but i mean, i realize that others don't live like me, but it's never been thrown in my face so much in so little time. like, i took notice of it.

i know i'm not perfect. i'm so far from perfect. but the things that my classmates were talking about today just made me realize how my faith keeps me from the things i don't need to do. for example, just today i heard people talk about getting drunk, sneaking out to the shore together, partying, living with their boyfriend, having babies, prom plans, their idea of "true love" (which isn't the same as mine) and other stuff..all in the span of an hour.

it's amazing the fronts that people put up to fool everyone else. you think a person is one way when they are really just not like you would ever expect. it kinda makes me wonder what every one is REALLY like.

it kinda scares me.

i need to learn to hear. God, help me. i don't know what to listen for. but i'm dying to know where i'm supposed to go. help me go where You need me.

this leaves me a little sad.

wishes.

it amazes me how conversations turn around so quickly. i just got online to get help with my homework...dang.

it's weird to see how others think of you. i asked for it, and it makes me feel good, but on some level i just can't believe the things that people say.

i wish i had the words to say.

earthquakes and hurricanes.

just got the last two facts for my hurricane layout.
27 named storms and 14 hurricanes in a record-breaking season.

homework in four subjects tonight. and i have four classes. what a coincidence.

no itchy rash today. might be because i didnt use any silky sexy hair stuff today.

great would you rather question tonight. would you rather be at the epicenter of an earthquake or the eye of a hurricane? i said eye of the hurricane. earthquakes have always bored me anyway. but what a perfect question.

tireddddd.