i'm only good at being young.

college didn't prepare me for this.

television doesn't want me, the nws doesn't want me, and now grad school doesn't want me either. so instead, i have turned into a college graduate who sits at home in her pajamas every day and reads library books she's already read before, and has no idea what to do with her life.

my mom researches jobs on google for me while she is at work, jobs i have already applied for and obviously didn't get since i haven't heard anything. even grocery stores at home won't hire me, so in essense, i am broke and have no fun because there is no money for fun. also there is no one to guide me through my directionless life so i am adrift alone.

and the worst part is that while i'm not great at the weather, i'm not good at anything else, either.

keep me where the light is.

sometimes you meet a person, and they automatically make you want to be a better person, just by being around them.

i've met several of those people in my lifetime. this most recently happened last thursday night. i am continually inspired and amazed at these people, and by the goodness that just radiates off of them on a daily basis. i am blessed to be able to call many of them 'friend.'

mondays.

what is it about a person when all they have to do is be gone for a while then surprise you by walking into a room, and your entire body fills with joy?

it's the most wonderful time of the year!

fall may not be here to stay yet...but it's definitely taken up residence in my heart. it's easy to feel fallish when it's a lovely 59 degrees outside, you got to wear a hoodie for the first time in months last night, and you are currently wearing fleece pajamas and a sweatshirt. football season started last week, the air is crisp, the leaves are beginning to change colors (in places). the sun is setting earlier, halloween is just 54 days away, and all the stores are making the autumn changeover.

it's the most wonderful time of the year!

it puts me in such a fantastic mood. i'm already excited about the months to come. it's a chain reaction of greatness. once september rolls around, you blink and it's october, then the festivities really get started. it's going to be good. just wait.

it makes the ache a little more profound.

my dreams are full of wishes, and when i wake up, i remember every one.

no one quite understands and i can't quite explain the ache in my heart. it's the things i want so badly, but am never sure that i'll have. it's like the hope that blossoms inside my heart secretly wants to kill me.

sometimes i think that the waiting of life would be easier if i could only know that there was a reason i was waiting.

if only i could see the stars.

i have unusual sleep patterns.

for example, since the fourth of july, i have stayed awake until usually between 5:30 and 8 am, and then i sleep until 2-4 pm. generally.

it is hard to explain to people that i genuinely like to stay awake all night. it is the only time that the building is asleep, and it is quiet. i can concentrate. i don't have to worry about the phone ringing, people screaming in the lobby or knocking on my door, or random people roaming my hall. i like the peace that being awake in the middle of the night gives me.

i always have my window open. i like hearing the crickets sing all night long, and just before the sun rises to greet me, hearing the birds chirping their morning songs.

i've seen more sunrises this month than i probably have in my entire life. it makes my heart just as happy to see the light beginning to peek over the side roof of south as it does to see the pinks and oranges sink behind hathorn and cresswell. my window frames my perspective.

also, it is proving to be good practice for later on...if i get a morning show job next year, i'll have to be awake and alert at this time anyway.

my only issue with staying up all night is that the rest of the world doesn't operate on my new schedule (which would defeat the purpose, of course). but then i have phones ringing and fire alarms and people needing me and places to go and appointments to keep all day, and i end up cranky and exhausted, with only about 30% of my brain working by 5pm. then i sleep till about midnight, and the process begins again.

however, with training starting in about ten days, i have to orient myself around the world again. my heart is saddened by the loss of those nighttime hours, the cricket's song, and dawn breaking over the world.

"was it inevitable?

was there some quota of sadness that had to dealt to every person? was that just the way love worked? because that was the underlying problem - without love, there could be no real pain. love contained within it the seeds of loss and bitterness and grief.

love. it was just like alcohol. a little fun followed by a long, painful hangover."