Saturday, April 29, 2006

inevitable.

i just can't get it off my mind. i know that hate is a strong word, but it's filled my thoughts and words for at least the last week. i wish i could just get it out and get finished with it, but i can't. it's too hard when everyone knows but you. it always creeps into my conversations uninvited and it won't ever go away. and yes, it's too soon for jokes, so stop. it's not funny. it won't ever be funny. it's like i always have so much to say, but when it comes right down to it, i can't get it out right and i just mess everything up all over again. i just can't seem to get it right. ever. is it just the dianna curse or something? i just don't get it. i wish i could just say i don't care anymore, but i'm such a bad liar.

this has been the worst week ever. really. i dont even have good dictionaries. they suck. it's less than a month for school to be out, and i swear i've never been so ready.

consequently: as a result, therefore; because of the reason given
inevitable: impossible to avoid or prevent

i really like the definition of inevitable.


i just wish i could say what i feel!!!

Friday, April 28, 2006

shadows.

i have a heart on my belly as well as in my hand.

the tanning bed is the perfect place to lie and think about anything and everything.
i don't really care if i die from skin cancer. it's great.

prom is tomorrow night.

four weeks till school's out.

four weeks till i'm officially a senior.

and only slightly less than two months till i go to kentucky.

reading 1 peter.





one of the most profound statements i've ever heard (and one that rings most true for me) is:
the shadow proves the sunshine

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

i have to resort to quotes to say this:

>>it's the same old song being broadcasted on the radio...saying i'm not worth your time


>>there are some things in life that are better left unknown;; things you wish you never asked, never saw, never heard, and never felt


>>there's no point in trying to talk to you, i've tried to have a conversation with you so many times, but all that comes out is that empty feeling in my stomach and it makes me realize you will never feel the same way about me as i do about you


>>she's telling lies about how she feels inside. she can't stand the way things are. she only wants it all to change. what he doesn't know is how much she truly cares.


>>i'm a hopeless romantic, i believe in wishing on stars, soul mates, and a love that never ends. but yet, sometimes i feel so alone...no matter what i try to do.

i have to resort to quotes to say this:

>>it's the same old song being broadcasted on the radio...saying i'm not worth your time


>>there are some things in life that are better left unknown;; things you wish you never asked, never saw, never heard, and never felt


>>there's no point in trying to talk to you, i've tried to have a conversation with you so many times, but all that comes out is that empty feeling in my stomach and it makes me realize you will never feel the same way about me as i do about you


>>she's telling lies about how she feels inside. she can't stand the way things are. she only wants it all to change. what he doesn't know is how much she truly cares.


>>i'm a hopeless romantic, i believe in wishing on stars, soul mates, and a love that never ends. but yet, sometimes i feel so alone...no matter what i try to do.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

ideals.

i want a boy who isn't just my boyfriend, but my best friend. i want a boy who knows that i'm lying when i say "i'm fine" after he asks me how i am. who calls to talk to me just because he was thinking of me but doesn't really have anything to say. who will call or IM just to say goodnight. who is not only comfortable spending time with not just me but my family, and blends right on in. who will take care of me when i'm sick. who will kiss me in the car. who is content just sitting on the couch with his arms around me. who will write me sweet notes even though it's really not his thing. who will take the lead. who will make fun of me but not in a mean way. who will go shopping with me. who will make me laugh. who will go to church with me. who will take the time to walk in the rain holding hands. a boy who makes holding hands exciting. one i can't wait to see. the one i don't feel like i have to clean house for or impress. one i can be myself around. a boy who truly likes me for me.

i think this boy lives in my imagination and there is no such person. but it's a nice try.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

power of prayer.

i absoulutely love the power of prayer.


friday. ten minutes before the bell was to ring for the end of school, the assistant principal gets on the intercom and says that the bell will be held until 3:15 due to the severe thunderstorm warning out for tuscaloosa county. (RANT #1: who in the WORLD holds school over for a SEVERE THUNDERSTORM WARNING? it wasn't even raining outside! we were the ONLY county in alabama that had a warning of any kind, and they hold us over? the day the weather was supposed to be *REALLY* bad, and every county surrounding us gets out of school a couple hours early, we stay in till 3. but for a severe thunderstorm warning coming out of the blus, and they hold us over???) okay. there's the first rant. and it wouldn't be so bad if it were only the fifteen minutes we had to stay over. but no. we stayed after school an HOUR before they let us out. and we still had the thunderstorm warning when we left. the ONLY THING IT DID in the hour we stayed was lightening a couple times, thunder once, and rain for two seconds. i swear. it poured for two seconds then it stopped. it was the craziest thing. i knooow the storm wasn't moving THAT fast. okay, so now it's four in the afternoon and i get in my car to drive home. i missed my tanning appointment (thanks a lot, school board), so i go straight home. on the way home, it starts to rain so hard i can't even see the road. it doesn't help that justin was driving home in front of me and he didn't have his lights on...his car is silver so it blended right on in with the rain sheet in front of me. (RANT #2: they hold me after school for an HOUR while it does nothing...we're not allowed to go anywhere in the school, we had to stay in our classrooms; while it did nothing...NOTHING. and then, they let me out just in time to drive home in the pouring rain. i could have made in home an hour earlier than what i did AND completely missed the rain if i could have gotten out at 3 like i was supposed to.)


pretty much an awesome weekend though.



and i got a surprise tonight. it was a thing that stephanie and i prayed about last night in our discussion we had. thus which prompting me to say "i love the power of prayer."

Thursday, April 20, 2006

shiver.

You build me up
You knock me down
Provoke a smile
And make me frown
You are the queen of runaround
You know it's true

You chew me up
And spit me out
Enjoy the taste
I leave in your mouth
You look at me
I look at you
Neither of us know what to do

[Chorus:]
There may not
Be another way to your heart
So I guess I'd better find a new way in
I shiver when I hear your name
Think about you but it's not the same
I won't be satisfied 'till I'm under your skin

Immobilized by the thought of you
Paralyzed by the sight of you
Hypnotized by the words you say
Not true but I believe 'em anyway

So come to bed It's getting late
There's no more time for us to waste
Remember how my body tastes
You feel your heart begin to race

[Repeat chorus x3]

shiver::maroon 5

Monday, April 17, 2006

happiness.

"happiness at the sake of another isn't happiness."

whenever i used to read that quote, i thought that it meant you couldn't be happy if you got that happiness by making fun of somebody else. i don't know, that's just what i thought when i heard that quote.

but today, when i was thinking about it, i decided that maybe it meant that when you rely so much on some other person to make you happy, then you truly aren't happy. because people let you down. so when you aren't happy because of something that's happened with the person who "makes you happy", were you truly ever happy in the first place? the only person we should ever rely on for happiness is God, because He has given us every reason in the whole world to be happy.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

thinking...

i've been thinking hard about a lot of things lately. and i've decided that sometimes, being stubborn isn't always what it's cracked up to be. sometimes you just gotta suck it up and make the first move. it's killing you the way it is, but it might kill you to make the move and get rejected. either way, it's killing you. so you might as well get the final answer. if it's good, then hey, great. if not, it's time to (slowly) move on. i'm glad that i decided that. sometimes things really do turn out for the good. sometimes they don't. and i know that things will never be the way they once were, and right now at this moment i don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. it's too early to tell. but one things for sure: it has to get better from here. but i've also learned not to say that it can't get much worse. because it can. and i had a smile tonight.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

passion.

i can't believe that it's come down to this.
it's really sad.



******


i think that this is the first easter that i've actually caught a glimpse of the magnitude of what Christ really did for all of us. it's amazing.

amazing.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

anger.

anger is such a stupid emotion.
why waste time being mad about something.
it doesn't accomplish anything.
instead i believe we should be sad.
at least sadness is beautiful.

Monday, April 10, 2006

college towns.

i did some heavy thinking this morning getting ready for school. it was really really crazy.

i was thinking about how i decided i don't like living in a college town. you meet so many people, but they are from everywhere, nobody really lives here on a permanent basis. so when they get finished with school they go home back to wherever they lived before they came to UA. it's really sad. i just want people to stay.

then i started to think about how i'm going to be moving to another college town, and i'm going to be one of those people that only live in a certain place for four or so years and get close to people, then wham bam thank you ma'am, i get a degree, graduate, and i'm moving on back to home sweet home.

i am stressing out way before time to stress out.

this is the first time that the thought of college has actually scared me. going to school and still being here is one thing, you've got family friends everyone. but i'm going off all alone.

i have two scholarship applications in my possession as of right now. i have to fill them out and send them off.



all this from the notion that maybe i really don't like living in a college town.

then i thought, you're stupid. you know you do.



and now i need to do some math homework. i'm going crazy.

Saturday, April 8, 2006

please...

tell me its worth fighting for...

Tuesday, April 4, 2006

favorites.

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on...

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind


[the fray]




i'm a bitter person.

this i know.

i'm in love with this quote site that i found. its amazing. and all of the quotes just relate right now. but i can't post them...sadly.

it's been like two months since i was completely happy. since the middle of february. actually, around valentines day.

but as switchfoot says 'happy is a yuppie word'