Monday, January 30, 2006

the weekend.

i had the most fabulous weekend. for the most part. until like 3:30 today.

we didn't end up at the movies like i previously said. however, we did end up at a friends house watching a movie and lying to our parents and breaking curfew. perfect way to spend a saturday.

then yay for two and half hour lunches. not for the food, but for the company. (and i still haven't decided about that salad).

but for the past two hours, i've been sitting in my room (with my swirly light bulb that half lights up my room) and coloring little squares of graph paper with too-thick markers, while singing in my head to the songs that come on the radio and mentally beating myself up.

i dont see how i've become this way. like, i was all happy and listening to the radio and coloring and everything, but like in five minutes i was hating on myself and thinking about different stuff, then i got this longing to be in my daddy's arms, which made me think about how i don't even remember doing that in my whole life. then i started crying. i dont know what's wrong with me.

i've turned into such a different person than i used to be. and over such a short period of a time. i've been so stupid. i can't listen to myself, who else am i going to listen to? i've lied to my only parental, gotten irritated with my grandmother when she came to help me paint my room out of the goodness of her heart , met a complete stranger that i met on the internet at his place of work one friday night in a secluded place, drove way too fast, gotten the rep as the youth whore, spent my saturday night out at a place where my mom didn't know where i was, not cared about my grades or my schoolwork even though this is when it counts...

and what about **no more boys**?? my resolve is sinking along with my heart.

i feel like a disappointment. to myself. to God. to all of my friends. how can anyone stand to be around me? how can i expect something great when i'm nothing myself? how can it be possible to connect more with your best friend in three hours than two months? how can i be so hard on myself? but then again, how can i go easy on myself?

your greatest enemy will always be yourself.

i want freedom. freedom from my life. freedom from myself. freedom to choose where i go and what i do and how late i stay out and not have to call and check in.

i've grown up way too fast.

Friday, January 27, 2006

controlling time.

i was thinking today that it would be kinda cool to control time. to be able to speed it up and slow it down as i pleased so i could age faster or slower.

i mentioned this to someone, and they said that way i'd be fast forwarding them through their senior year. so i revised it and said it would only be time speeded up for me, nobody else could notice days going by faster or slower. it'd be regular to them, and fast for me, but yet we'd all be on the same day together. that way i could go ahead and do what i want.

i've had a sense of apathy today. i just don't care.

i don't know why i'm so lonely..on a friday night..

maybe if i try not to think about it, it wont matter as much.

maybe if i lie to myself long enough, i might start to believe me.

Monday, January 23, 2006

best friends.

i realized tonight that i have no best friend. a few people have the "best friend" title, but its not a live up to it kind of thing. but i guess i could be as much to blame for that as them.

but i haven't talked to anyone outside of my family on the phone for the past few days except for one person who doesn't even go to my school. i see people in school, and we're "friends" and i talk to people on the internet, and we're "friends" but i have no REAL best friend. someone i can count on to be there for me, to go with me anywhere, to change plans to go somewhere with me, to listen and give advice, to help me through the hard times, to talk to everyday about everything and anything, to crash at their house and consider it my second home, to not ring the doorbell, to help myself in the kitchen because i know where everything is, and someone who knows that i'd do all this and more for them.

but i don't. not anymore.

and i really miss it.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

far from perfect.

today i have been hit over the head continually with the realization that not every one lives the way i do. when i said this to someone earlier, they paused and said, "duh!" but i mean, i realize that others don't live like me, but it's never been thrown in my face so much in so little time. like, i took notice of it.

i know i'm not perfect. i'm so far from perfect. but the things that my classmates were talking about today just made me realize how my faith keeps me from the things i don't need to do. for example, just today i heard people talk about getting drunk, sneaking out to the shore together, partying, living with their boyfriend, having babies, prom plans, their idea of "true love" (which isn't the same as mine) and other stuff..all in the span of an hour.

it's amazing the fronts that people put up to fool everyone else. you think a person is one way when they are really just not like you would ever expect. it kinda makes me wonder what every one is REALLY like.

it kinda scares me.

i need to learn to hear. God, help me. i don't know what to listen for. but i'm dying to know where i'm supposed to go. help me go where You need me.

this leaves me a little sad.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006


it amazes me how conversations turn around so quickly. i just got online to get help with my homework...dang.

it's weird to see how others think of you. i asked for it, and it makes me feel good, but on some level i just can't believe the things that people say.

i wish i had the words to say.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

earthquakes and hurricanes.

just got the last two facts for my hurricane layout.
27 named storms and 14 hurricanes in a record-breaking season.

homework in four subjects tonight. and i have four classes. what a coincidence.

no itchy rash today. might be because i didnt use any silky sexy hair stuff today.

great would you rather question tonight. would you rather be at the epicenter of an earthquake or the eye of a hurricane? i said eye of the hurricane. earthquakes have always bored me anyway. but what a perfect question.