i had the most fabulous weekend. for the most part. until like 3:30 today.
we didn't end up at the movies like i previously said. however, we did end up at a friends house watching a movie and lying to our parents and breaking curfew. perfect way to spend a saturday.
then yay for two and half hour lunches. not for the food, but for the company. (and i still haven't decided about that salad).
but for the past two hours, i've been sitting in my room (with my swirly light bulb that half lights up my room) and coloring little squares of graph paper with too-thick markers, while singing in my head to the songs that come on the radio and mentally beating myself up.
i dont see how i've become this way. like, i was all happy and listening to the radio and coloring and everything, but like in five minutes i was hating on myself and thinking about different stuff, then i got this longing to be in my daddy's arms, which made me think about how i don't even remember doing that in my whole life. then i started crying. i dont know what's wrong with me.
i've turned into such a different person than i used to be. and over such a short period of a time. i've been so stupid. i can't listen to myself, who else am i going to listen to? i've lied to my only parental, gotten irritated with my grandmother when she came to help me paint my room out of the goodness of her heart , met a complete stranger that i met on the internet at his place of work one friday night in a secluded place, drove way too fast, gotten the rep as the youth whore, spent my saturday night out at a place where my mom didn't know where i was, not cared about my grades or my schoolwork even though this is when it counts...
and what about **no more boys**?? my resolve is sinking along with my heart.
i feel like a disappointment. to myself. to God. to all of my friends. how can anyone stand to be around me? how can i expect something great when i'm nothing myself? how can it be possible to connect more with your best friend in three hours than two months? how can i be so hard on myself? but then again, how can i go easy on myself?
your greatest enemy will always be yourself.
i want freedom. freedom from my life. freedom from myself. freedom to choose where i go and what i do and how late i stay out and not have to call and check in.
i've grown up way too fast.