last minute.

i went to church this morning but i left emptier than i came. i've been on a trip with the same five people since tuesday morning. and i didn't get to go to church wednesday night. i love to go to church. and part of the going to church thing is to be in fellowship with other believers, right? i left this morning feeling very unfellowshipped.

this week we talked a lot about best friends and who we trusted. aubrey talked about her friend amanda, who she trusted more than anyone in the world and that they were so close, etc. and i don't have a friend like that. i used to. we could sit in my car for hours talking about everything and anything. we knew each other inside and out. it was more than friends, it was like being sisters. but we've lost that. then i thought i got lucky and was blessed with someone else like that. and for a while, it was like that. but not anymore. not even close.

it's so weird that the ones i felt most connected to are the ones that i am now missing the most.

i was thinking tonight about one of my friends. we have one of those close, not so close friendships, but i'll never forget a few years ago when he hung out with me when my best friend kinda forgot i was there. i really didn't even know him at all. and he doesn't even know how grateful i am, but it meant a lot to me. and, i'm still not going to tell him. he thinks i'm a weirdo already. but it still meant a lot.

now tell me what's the good in that, that he'll never know?

feeling alone has got to be the worst feeling ever.

i know i said i couldn't wait to go to new york to "get away" from everything here. like it was going to be a way to forget everything at home. but it was totally not like that. if anything, it was more so present there.

all i proved to myself in new york was that i make bad decisions when i am away from home. and that i just think to myself that i'm getting away, when in actuality, i called someone from home everyday. at least one person, if not more. so its not it.

i know exactly what it is that i'm searching for. and it has nothing to do with getting away. and i can tell you exactly what it is that should be the answer. but i can also tell you that i can't find a way to be satisfied.

i can point out every single one of my insecurities and my faults and everything that's wrong with me. but if you asked me what my strong points are i wouldn't be able to tell you anything. and i can name the one person that doesn't even care about all of that, and loves me soo much anyway. and i can point out the one that doesnt.

it saddens me.

i've been doing soo good. or so i thought. i've been stopping myself from commenting, from emailing, from talking. but it's no good because i just can't stop myself. i can't cut off all communication. even though that's really what would be best.

but i just can't do it. i'm a failure. i couldn't even go anorexic when i tried because i liked food too much to stop eating.

and you know that saying: "you never lose by loving, but you always lose from holding back"? it's wrong. you lose both ways. i'm living proof. you keep on and it's all the same. then you find one that's so much different, but then you find out it's really not that much different because it ends up just like all the rest.

i've been cleaning my room. and i've thrown away so much stuff. if it even remotely has an emotional attachment, i threw it away. i don't want to be reminded over and over of what i've never had. i wish i could throw more than just material stuff away. like, say, memories? that'd be nice.