Monday, June 26, 2006

i am yours, send me.

here am i, i am Yours, send me

i just posted so much about what we *did* in louisville and i didn't post anything about what i actually learned...shame shame.

i learned about compassion. i learned that it's not about me. i learned that there is no such thing as best friends forever. i learned that not everything will turn out the way that you expect it to. that on the surface, things are a lot different than they are on the inside. that i suck at frisbee. that the best of friends can be found in the most unusual places. that i'm not scared to be in the ghetto. that you have to rely on your faith. you have to depend on God and no one else. that people will make fun of you for having an "inferiority complex". but then again, i learned that there are those that will sit on the floor with you but when you ask them to leave (because they're making you nervous) they'll go do something else until you need them again. that i'm ridiculously addicted to the internet. that relient k songs relate to everything. that occasionally everyone feels incompetent, that it's not all in my head. that people are really different in places other than home, but friendship prevails in the end. that when ya gotta go, ya gotta go (lol). that your hands will still smell like bleach even after washing your hands AND taking a shower if you've cleaned with it all day. that when you don't spend a lot of time with people, you tend to build them up in your mind until all their imperfections are gone and they are exactly how you want them to be. that things change over time. that everything you think you knew, you had no idea about. that i actually complain a LOT, although i dont really mean to. that you can love so much it hurts. that it always rains whenever we take a trip. that God has a plan for your life.

the best thing about working with the youth was definitely the opportunity to build relationships with all the people in there. but i also loved to get the messages that josh brought each night. i found out that not all churches operate the same way we do. these kids were different. for one thing, the majority of them were unsaved. however, they were eager. eager to learn, eager to talk, eager to ask questions, eager to was a lot different. but the insight i gained was priceless.

one night we talked about death...and what we'd have put on our tombstones when we we wanted to be remembered. i heard lots of answers. i had no idea whatsoever. but i've been thinking (as morbid as it sounds). if i die young, i would want life after death and taxes to be my song that everyone plays, because it has such a good chorus: "and this is how i choose to live, as if i'm jumping off a cliff, knowing that you'll save me, knowing that you'll save me. and after all the stupid things i did, there's nothing left there to forgive, because you already forgave me, you already forgave me. never forget, there's life after death and taxes. forgiveness comes, all other acts, is what passes away." etc. whatever. but now i think i know how i want to be remembered. maybe. i want to touch somebody's life. even if it's just a hello or a smile, or if it was something big, i want to touch somebody's life. they may forget about it, but maybe one day they'll think about it and it will make them smile again. and i'll always be remembered in heaven, because Jesus said whatever we do unto another we do unto Him.

it's always hard to feel like you're not good enough. but on this trip, sometimes i just felt like i was in the way. especially when i was doing my lesson. some might think i'm making too big a deal out of a five minute devotional type thing, but then again, that person doesn't know that i'm absolutely terrified of getting in front of a group of people. i'm scared of failure. i'm convinced that someone else can do a much better job than i could ever do. (this is where my inferiority complex comes into play, imaginary or not). i understand that it was just help, general guidelines, and hello, i asked for it. but i felt like we could look right at me and sing "mirror mirror on the wall, who's the stupidest of them all?" i was just not top notch that night. but..never mind. not going there.

i know it's all about stepping outside of comfort zones. but the thing about comfort zones are...they're so comfortable!

i feel like this post may be contradicting the good times i depicted in my last entry. however, let me fix that misconception: i had a great time in kentucky. it was an eye-opening experience. all the things i mentioned were good things, i promise. (well except the whole feeling useless thing but whatever). i feel like i found a friend that understands me on a deeper level; however superficial that may sound. and who knows, it might be all in my head.

i wish that i could know what it is that God has for me, what my life holds for the future. sometimes i just wish i could know what's going on. sometimes i wish i could stop falling for the wrong guy and getting my heart hurt. sometimes i wish i knew where God has me to be in life.

but then again, that'd take all the fun out of living, wouldn't it?

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