christmas.

merry christmas...


i made it through the year
and i did not even collapse
gotta say thank God for that
i'm torn between what keeps me whole
and what tears me in half
i'll fall apart, or stay intact

with tired eyes i stumble back to bed
i need to realize my sorry life's not hanging by a thread
at least not yet

so look at me now
it's finally christmas and i'm home
head indoors
to get out of this weather
and i don't know how
but the closest friends i've ever known
are all inside
singing together
singing merry christmas, here's to many more

it always hurt to be all by myself this time of year
a cold and lonely christmas eve
and living out my days alone
well that had been my deepest fear
but you promised you won't leave

i look towards the east and see a star
Jesus Christ it's blessed my life
to know just who you are
you are my hope

so look at me now
it's finally christmas and i'm home
head indoors
to get out of this weather
and i don't know how
but the closest friends i've ever known
are all inside
singing together
singing merry christmas, here's to many more

deck the halls with mistletoe
may all your heavy burdens go
up the chimney in a cloud of smoke
the fire's burning bright
strike up the band and play the tune
cause christmas will be here and soon
you'll hear our song in every room
this merry christmas night

singing merry christmas
here's to many more

i celebrate the day.

tonight in the youth bible study, the topic was christmas. what does christmas mean to you? and i didn't share my answer (it favors of bitterness, im not in the best of spirits today) but it isn't meant to be bitter.

coming from experiences of years where i adored christmas and hated christmas, both for the wrong reasons, this is what i have come to believe:

christmas is a commercialized holiday that provides an excuse for people to indulge in shopping, spend way too much money, and stress out over the little things that shouldn't matter.

we don't show the meaning of christmas anymore.

i understand that christmas is a celebration, and i do participate in the aforementioned activities and many, many more.

but i also believe that the real meaning behind the season of celebration (that now starts way before halloween) has been forgotten.

instead of taking the time to spread the love of Christ, we are fighting with each other over the last copy of guitar hero 3. instead of sharing the joy that this baby that was born came specifically to die for the sins we hadn't even committed yet, because he loves us that much, we are turning into a greedy, materialistic society. and it affects all of us.

so, here's to the real meaning of christmas.

christmas.
christ. mas.
more christ.


this song sums it up well:

i celebrate the day
and with this christmas wish is missed
the point i could convey
if only i could find the words to say to let You know
how much You've touched my life because

here is where You're finding me
in the exact same place as new year's eve
and from a lack of my persistency
we're less than half as close as i want to be

and the first time
that You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior
and the first breath that left Your lips
did You know that it would change this world forever

and the first time
that You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior
and the first breath that left Your lips
did You know that it would change this world forever

and so this Christmas i'll compare
the things i felt in prior years
to what this midnight made so clear
that You have come to meet me here

to look back and think that
this baby would one day save me
in the hope that what You did
that You were born so i might really live
to look back and think that
this baby would one day save me

and the first time
that You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior
and the first breath that left Your lips
did You know that it would change this world forever

and the first time
that You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior
and the first breath that left Your lips
did You know that it would change this world forever

and i
i celebrate the day
that You were born to die
so i could one day pray for You to save my life
pray for you to save my life
pray for you to save my life
-rk

read them.

the words i type
are the words i could never say.
but know that i mean every word.

concert.

i neeeeeed a concert. now.
anyone up for a road trip?
it will be the perfect end to finals week.
(which, btw, finals...ugh).
i am so sick of studying.
i want to go have fun.
at a concert.
i need either one of my top two bands,
or a december enfuego.
new years eve is too far away for the next one :(

foreign language.

nicole already left. sad day.

we watched my relient k concert videos last night and redetermined that matthew a. thiessen is the most amazing human being on the planet. if i could find a stronger word than amazing, i would use it. there just aren't enough words to fully describe the wonderfulness that he posesses.

jon schneck from relient k wrote me an email :)


and state beat alabama on saturday. saturday was just a good day all around. i got to see a lot of people from home. (okay, four). but i still hadn't seen them in ages. haha. and then, of course, nicole and i were acting extremely under the influnence. but only the influnence of not enough sleep, too much sugar, and a lot of free time. lots of new pictures on facebook. it was the best.


yay for great weekends!!


thanksgiving is really close, and i'm super excited to spend more than a day at home. good food, good friends, good family...can't beat that with a stick. not that i would want to.

i got some music from micah a few weeks ago, just burned them into itunes. and friday afternoon i actually sat down and listened to them and put titles and artists to them instead of just "track 01, track 02..." and they are great. punky alternative bands ive never heard of. its awesome :)


im so sleepy.


church was great today.



edit: 8:10 pm:
listening: foreign language - anberlin

today was lazy lazy.
apparently i am "married" to this boy.
he makes me laugh everrry time i talk to him.
my coke has ice already in it. guess my fridge is too cold.
good music = my favorite.
i am really random.
i am unsure how to feel about "the situation".
i am wearing a shirt i tie dyed myself.
and i am hungry.
and i want milk to make hot chocolate.
interesting.

maybe not.

not quite as lucky as i thought.

lucky.

prayer is awesome.
church was great today.


i am a very lucky girl. i get to meet matthew thiessen.
now i get to see ohio avenue.
yay :)


next weekend: MSU v Bama (go dawgs!!) saturday. coaling for church and OA at the ferg sunday.

the NEXT weekend: must go to some family thing for jerry's work, because if i go see OA then i have to go to that. which i dont mind. should be fun.

the following tuesday: beginning of thanksgiving break! yay for my favorite holiday!

two weeks (ish) later: end of winter semester.



so yeah. it's been a crazzzzzy semester. :)



EDIT::
10:11 pm

i seriously am a lucky girl. i meet matthew thiessen, my best friend is coming to stay the weekend with me AND i get to go see ohio avenue! yay :)

discontent.

i'll tell you flat out
it hurts so much to think of this
so from my thoughts i will exclude
the very thing that
i hate more than everything is
the way i'm powerless to dictate my own my moods
i've thrown away so many things
that could have much more
and i just pray
my problems go away if they're ignored
but that's not the way it works
no that's not the way it works



too full. headache. done nothing productive. dreamy.
discontent.

poison ivy.

posion ivy
better condition than i be
hook me to an ivy
while i whisper why me
in the freezer
your words give me seizures
and if we take a breather
we'll break up and be hurt
i won''t let you buy cigarettes
but i'll let you by with regret
one thing i'll find a sure bet
a caged bird will fly if shes left
and i'll try not to cry
your fingers dry my eyes
a memory i'll never forget
i've been round
with little defense
and i'll sing a song
of inconsequence
and my days
with you are numbered
and i'll be amazed
if we see another
i won't let you buy cigarettes
but i'll let you by with regret
one thing i'll find a sure bet
a caged bird will fly if she's left
and i'll try not to cry
your fingers dry my eyes
a memory i'll never forget
so
now you're gone we always said
that would be the best thing
no
i fear im wrong or at least
thats what my heart is confessing
cause i miss you
and i wish you
were someone that i could forget
cause i miss you
and i wish you
were not number one on my list
my list of regrets
now i'm broken up
because we've broken up
its all a big what if
what if i'd spoken up
for what i wanted
poison ivy
better condition than i be
hook me an ivy
and i whisper why me



i am feeling a little nostalgic tonight. i'm not sure why. i'm filled with longing. so i spend my night reading poetry and listening to sad songs. my next creative projects is the completion of my costume to wear to class tomorrow and a sign for my wall that says "don't give up on love".

i feel like the perfect way to cap off the day is to curl up with homma, paired with my journal, comfy pj pants, and listening to THAT cd.

happy halloween.

matthew. dear matthew.

this has been the longest weekend of my life.
and i loved every minute of it.

i was up friday night doing homework. i think i stayed up till 2:30. i got up on saturday to begin the weekend of greatness at like 10. completely didn't finish my homework and instead packed and cleaned a little and basically tried to contain myself till it was time to leave. fast forward through the drive to tuscaloosa and then the hour or so the boys played nintendo, we went to travis' house and played guitar hero. and went to mellow mushroom. bonked people on campus. got stalked by some random guy. came back to travis' and played spoons. then we went to my house and did homework (haha) and sang christmas carols (because its christmas time!) and stayed up till about 4.

sunday was the MOST AMAZING DAY EVER. i got up at 8:30 to get ready for sunday school. from sunday school we went to the BEST CONCERT I'VE EVER BEEN TO IN MY LIFE. nathan drove all the way to mobile and we were there a couple hours before the doors opened. so we walked around downtown mobile and found a place to eat. (i didnt eat. the boys ate). then we decided to go park...and after we got out of the car and started to walk towards the ticket office, jon schneck walked out of the bus and came out to hang in the parking lot so OF COURSE we had to take pictures with him. i walk up and im like "heyy i read your blog." wow im a nerd.

i met kristi and we got our tickets. kristi is an incredible concert partner! it was more than that. the show was amazing. it was just soo good that i can't even find words to describe it. matthew thiessen is amazing. (i need a new adjective). but seriously. he sang a christmas song...in october :) and they made it snow on us! i dont know how to describe it. i just cant find the words.

and switchfoot was good, too. the way that they went into their songs (except for the weird thing at the beginning) was awesome...i didn't understand jon's dance moves. i think i was expecting something different so it was almost like i was disappointed...but i wasnt. because it was good. i guess it was more serious than i expected. i guess thats it. haha. i liked it anyway :)

then afterwards...we had to stand by the little gate that separated us from the tour buses. at the beginning, right after the show, there were a ton of people there. different members of switchfoot came by and we got autographs and pictures so that was fun. we kept waiting for relient k to come out (and i was like maaaatty pleeease come out) and finally john warne came out. followed by jon schneck again. and then MY MATTY. I GOT TO MEET MATTHEW THIESSEN. again, words cannot even describe how amazing he is...and how incredibly dumb i am. i kept going "he's right there. RIGHT THERE. he is RIGHT. THERE." then he got to me and i was like "hiiiiii i'm dianna and you are my HERO." i spent all 3 hours it took for him to get there rehearsing what i was going to say. then he was there and i forgot it all. this defines my life. single most amazing experience ever. he was followed by dave and finallyy hoopes came out because dave made him haha. so i met all of switchfoot and all of relient k.

THEEEE best night OF my life.

then we go to leave, its midnight or so. we get on this road looking for food and instead go into the middle of nowhere, having to make a big circle to get back on I-65. which made it take forever to get back home. ella drove to just south of montgomery and i took over there, at 3:30. everyone was sleepin but me, it was kinda odd to be the only one awake. nathan talks in his sleep and it kinda freaked me out a little. haha. we got home a little after 5:30; so we just kinda hung around my house for a little bit and got our stuff together and went back out on the road for the however long it takes to get back to msu. i didn't think we were gonna make it, to be honest.

then i had class from 9 to 11, and i intended on taking my lunch break and taking a nap and then studying, but i got sucked into facebook and instead uploaded fifty gazillion pictures. i was almost late because i lost track of time. then i went to class at 1, skipped math at 2, and came back to my dorm. i slept from 2:30 to 5:30 and then i went to class at 6. fun fun.

now im wide awake again.




but this was theeee best weekend ever. I MET MATTHEW THIESSEN. and he is amazing. possibly the most amazing person i've ever met. i just cannot say this fact enough. I MET MATTHEW THIESSEN. :)

road trips.

oh, how God works in mysterious ways. He teaches me a lesson when i least expect it. right when i'm starting to doubt the wonder of His grace. then He comes and He shows me exactly what i've been needing to know. awesome :)

on a different note (i wasnt even aware that the above sentences were going to be written. i wasnt even thinking them when i logged in. maybe someone needs to read them), i cannot concentrate at all...

i had a whooole day to do the many things on my to do list, but instead i slept in really late (a result of staying up late the night before) and then i really honestly don't know how i wasted my afternoon. i neeeed to study for this test i have on monday. because it covers four chapters and i know from the last one that its gonna be hard. but i waited till like, i duno, four, to start studying. then i got distracted and decided i needed to clean my room (which i did...but not necessarily right that second). so i cleaned my room. even swept under the desks and the beds and under the sink. haha, hardcore. then i decided i was going to study again. so i did for a little while, then i checked facebook and saw an ad on the side for this game that looked like fun. so i went to the site and played it. for THREE HOURS. so then i finally decide to study again and i remember i never did my laundry. so i go to the basement and do laundry. now it's 1:15 in the morning. other than my 27,000 points on the game and a clean room and a clean basket of laundry, i accomplished NOTHING today.

my attention span is like five seconds i swear.

which means, in turn, that in addition to going to class all day tomorrow, i also have to complete a study guide (for another class...test also monday), copy a whole powerpoint worth of notes for monday night's class, finish the thing i attempted today, clean out the car, figure out what i'm going to wear sunday night, print directions to mobile civic center...

procrastination totally bites you in the butt.

so whatever we end up doing saturday, i shall bring my homework! because i knooow it's not all gonna get done tomorrow.


but you know what? it's allll worth it. just to see my matty t. relient k for the first time in three years. switchfoot for the first time everrr (who i've been waiting yearrrs to see...and i always kinda wanted to go to a SF show wearing a cowboy hat, not sure why...but i think i'm over it now haha).


i might think about going to bed now. i have to get up in like six hours.


(i'm listening to deathbed, how fitting for this post. relient k song, jon foreman of switchfoot guests. haha).

rainboots.

i love love LOVE this weather. and it strikes me as funny how so many people have changed their facebook status to something cold weather related (and yes, i am guilty). i LOVE wearing jeans and long sleeve shirts and having cold ears and a cold nose and popping into random coffee shops for hot chocolate and the immediate warm up you get when you step into a building (for they feel that they must over compensate for the weather outside by turning the heat as high as it will go, with the exception of my dorm, of course). it is my FAVORITE time of year. yay.

however, i know that this is only temporary. by the weekend, our highs will be back in the 70s instead of the 50s. but its still fun while it lasts :)

i ordered rainboots today. they should be here by next wednesday at the latest. that makes me happy too.


but what makes me happiest is that i will see HIS face in just four days ♥
we have almost everything all planned out.
im so excited.
i dont think i've done something so random and been this excited about it...
ever.
oh, my matty♥.
:D

blue eyes and milkshakes.

it was gorgeous outside today!
met the nicest boy in line for ice cream with incredible blue eyes.
walked in the sunshine with my delicious chocolate milkshake.
mmm the simple pleasures.

and oh, for the weekend!
girls night with micah involving movies and pizza...
memphis tomorrow. :)



only 9 days and 6 1/2 more hours till i see his face!!

coconuts.

the ONE TIME i leave my camera at home, exciting things must happen daily.
-beautiful sunset on the way to state sunday night.
-coconut in the mail on monday
-fire dept out to dorm on tuesday


man. someone burned something in the kitchen upstairs on the seventh floor this morning and it set all the fire alarms off. i figured it was another drill and i just grabbed homma and put her in my purse (just in case, not taking any chances). left my computer and my cellphone inside. went outside, not a drill. haha. so then i'm like my entireee life is in that dorm room. please don't let it burn down! so the fire trucks come and the firemen hop out and grab axes and run inside. but there really wasn't a fire. which is good. it was still kinda exciting though.


so yeah. great fun.

i am SO READY for it to get cold outside. i brought all of my favorite long sleeves back with me (which resulted in a fifty gajillion pound suitcase and no room left in my closet). i want it to be cold for football games! especially the alabama game. yeah.

road trip to memphis this weekend with travo and nico. road trip NEXT weekend (TO SEE MY LOVE MATTHEW!) to mobile with ella, nathan, and possibly nicole. thennn, me and micah are planning road trips for after exams this semester (to st. louis) and for the early half of spring break (to dallas). great fun. i love road trips. :)

stargirl.

stargirl seems to get more profound every time i read it.

past.

i'm sitting here rereading my past, writing a story for fun, drinking RC cola and thinking of my grampa.

and i got a big smile on my face.

rough.

rough day.

home.

i love home.

to do list.

1. go to see Relient K & Switchfoot in concert (together, this fall).
2. go back to California.
-go inside capitol records.
3. take a random road trip to Bolivar, Ohio.
-and if i'm lucky, find matthew thiessen.


who's game?

belonging.

long drives back and forth from starkvegas to tuscaloosa provide ample time for overthinking. today's subject? belonging.

making the transition from high school to college was easy. moving away from home was easy. but today, leaving town was hard. i was infinitely sad as i loaded up the mustang and headed back to starkville. as my switchfoot sang in the background, my mind wandered. where do i belong? starkville, tuscaloosa, africa? who do i belong to?

i thought back to around this time last year, when all my friends started to fill out college applications and making plans for the summer after graduation, and i had no idea what i was going to do. i remember getting later into the year and realizing that i had no clue where i would be living in six month's time. but, here i am. starkville, mississippi. home of the bulldogs. there is no doubt that i am supposed to be here. i KNOW. i prayed and prayed, and God sent me to mississippi. but why? it's so frustrating to know that you are where you are but you aren't sure why. i feel like i don't belong. the past month, i've lived for the weekend so i can go back to tuscaloosa. but, i feel like i don't belong there either. what is home? when i go to what was my house, i feel like i am an interruption in the daily lives of my family. like i am a roadblock on their otherwise distraction-free street. jonathan and i fight, constantly. i worry about him, because it seems to me like he's turning into someone really different than the someone i left behind in august. therefore, when i do go home, i don't stay there. i'm always out, with my friends that still live around town or at church. now, church is a lovely concept. church is home. not in the building, but the people that i fellowship with. however, it too is changing and taking shape and i'm left wondering when everything turned in a different direction. also, i've been thinking about my summer plans. i realize that summer is a really long way off from here. i know this. but i had my heart set on working with the youth at church next summer. lately, however, i've been thinking a lot about missions. about taking the summer and going somewhere sponsored by the north american missions board. consequently, i now, as usual, have no idea what i'm doing.

so, the only place i get a peace lately is at the church. yesterday, at renewal, i got to spend time with people that i had never spent time with before. it made me realize that appearances are deceiving, more often than not. perceptions are broken in the quickness of a heartbeat, the stillness of a heartbreak. i wanted more time to spend with said people, to get a better idea of who they really are. i wanted more time to spend with said people so that i could get a better idea of who i am. i began to wonder, who do i belong to? of course i belong to my family, but now, more often than not, i feel like a nuisance around them. i belong to my friends, they are awesome and have been there for me time after time. and i belong to my church family, but lately i find myself growing continually irritated and losing respect for the very ones i am supposed to be ministering to and with. and most importantly to my heavenly Father up above...what if i only had just a couple minutes left? i would forever be known as the goofy, slightly retarted-acting (and not very politically correct) girl that gets cranky when she hasn't eaten, too excited over sexy blonde drummers, and is uncertain about her immediate future. but still, the desire for an earthly belonging still lingers in my heart. will i ever belong wholly to another person?

so, these are the things i think as my mind drifts away, much further than the distance i'm driving on highway 82. the thoughts, questions, and doubts are swirling around in my head as the newest switchfoot cd plays around me. the one i didn't really like after i bought it, but now love. i don't think that i was in a place to understand the meanings behind the words of the songs until now. music is meant to be appreciated, and sometimes when you can't bring a deeper meaning to the song, you lose the message of importance behind the pretty faces, shiny guitars, and steady drumbeats.

now, as i sit back here in mississippi, i still ponder everything i've written. i still long for the answers to the questions my heart is asking. i still want to know why i'm here. where i belong. who i belong to. and what i'm supposed to be doing. to fill the desire of belonging.

cousins.

i strongly believe that the only reason i have cousins is so they can say something that points out my inferiority. and im older than all of them. hmm.

sleep.

i'm so worn out. driving back and forth between starkville and tuscaloosa every weekend is killing me. i'll be glad when i can stay at school for a while. looks like that will happen most likely after fall break.

iii need some sleep. i dont even know whats goin on anymore. i have a test in approximately an hour. then class. then i can go to bed :)

and also, i just lied to someone i really care about. and that is a terrible thing to do...especially because they are someone i really care about.

annnyway. thats the world of dianna these days: sleep, or lack thereof, driving, exams, and lies.

hurt.

oh, wow.
that hurts way more than i would like to admit.
even though i should know better by now.
...wow.

you make smile.

i love goin to sleep with a smile on my face.
:)

sec.

tomorrow i am going to my first college football game and i am pretty excited.
i'm also excited about getting to spend the day with new and old friends.
friends i've made and saw today, one i saw a few days ago, one i saw a couple months ago....
and one i haven't seen in over a year.
who just happens to be transferring to state next semester.
which made my day even more awesome.
other things attributing to such awesomeness was
the cowbell yell pep rally (go state!)
my movie party with family group #7
and my two hour random conversation in laura's apt.
:)
oh yes, today was amazing despite the fact i was late to class this morning.

indescribable.

i'm inspired. filled with indescribable hope. incredible longing. and a sense of comfort.
and somehow, deep down inside, i KNOW.

as i walk by the people i pass on the sidewalks everyday, i am deep in thought and wonder to what these people will mean in my life. what kind of impact i will make on them.

hail state!

moving.

things are weird lately.
it's a foreign concept to me that i move in exactly six days.
and even more so that i've begun packing.
plus, i'm living out of a suitcase in my own house.
and this is only the start.
i cannot even fathom.
thank you LORD for my friends.

four letter word.

"you stole so much from me and there is nothing left to take. save a hard learned lesson on how to not make the same mistake. and you may be delirious but that is something that will fade, after you confess that this mess is all something you made." *

i've always been convinced that my life could be defined in the lyrics of songs. lately, this again has proven true. i've been listening to a lot of relient k (big surprise there), matthew thiessen (again, big surprise), and angels and airwaves. when you actually listen to what they are saying, listen to the words, they say a lot more than what we sometimes can manage on our own.

and then, it seems like we're all having our own problems with the L-word these days. i believe in my heart that love does exist. it does. somewhere. and to me, love is a concept that is easy to spell and easy to feel, but difficult to define and impossible to forget. love is something that comes in like a tornado...you can try your best to predict it and warn those in the storm's path, but you can't ever nail down the exact route it's going to take and the damage it will leave behind. you can never tell if it will leave you happy forever or if it will leave you broken into pieces. it's a chance you take.

"i see a glow from far away, a faint reflection on the sea. i left some words quite far from here to be a short reminder, i layed them out in stone in case they need to last forever. you know i won't say sorry, you know i won't say sorry. the pain has a bad reaction, a blend of fear and passion. you know what it's like to believe, it makes me wanna scream." **

we all have those times in our life when the wreckage that we've been dealt is too great to express in our own terms. we use our words and we get so far, but then the lyrics that we attach ourselves to can explain what we're trying to say with much less emotional baggage attached. the message always gets across, plain and simple.

"and even though i'm angry i can still say, i know my heart will break the day, when you peel out and drive away, i can't believe this happened... make your decision and don't you dare think twice, go with your instincts along with some bad advice. this didn't turn out the way i thought it would at all, you blame me but some of this is still your fault. i tried to move you but you just wouldn't budge. i tried to hold your hand but you'd rather hold your grudge. i think you know what i'm getting at, you said goodbye and i just don't want you regretting that." ***

in our emotional distress, from whatever it is that has caused the damage in our lives, in our hearts, there is always a way to call out from the darkness and say what it is that is so imperative that you get off your chest.

and the greatest thing about all of it is that there is another kind of love that will never ever hurt us in any way. a love that most of us forget about in our times of trouble. a love from the One that is always there for us no matter what. we just have to choose to see it. and accept it. accept Him.

"i'll tell you flat out, it hurts so much to think of this. so from my thoughts i will exclude, the very thing that i hate more than anything is the way i'm powerless to dictate my own moods...any control i thought i had just slips right through my hands, while my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me, reprimands me. then and there, i confess, i'll blame all this on my selfishness. yet You love me, and that consumes me, and i'll stand up again, and do so willingly." ****

love does exist. i know it does. somewhere. and one day, i believe that it will find me again. maybe it'll be someone i've loved before. maybe it'll be someone that i haven't even met yet. maybe this time it'll be forever. maybe it'll be another broken heart. i'm guessing it's a risk i will have to take.

"it's a world full of cynics, who say to stay alive in it you gotta stick with what you know. but the soul is always aching, for the heart to start taking, a chance by letting go." *****



*fallen man - relient k
**start the machine - angels and airwaves
***which to bury, us or the hatchet? - relient k
****when i go down - relient k
*****the truth - relient k

why won't you?

someone please tell me where i stand.

world wide web.

the internet is my drug of choice...and here, in my hermit-world where i'm skipping church & social interaction for the second time in a row, i'm hitting it early.

hypocrisy.

sometimes i feel like the world's biggest hypocrite. i have a bad sunburn and skeeter bites on my legs. other than that, the world is pretty good. my heart is happy and my face is smiling, and my samantha is coming to town for a couple of days, so i get to spend lovely cousin time with her

those days.

its just been one of those days.

mot juste.

mot juste,
please find me.

je ne sais quoi.

hail state.

a dorm room, graduation, and summer are the only things separating me from mississippi state university.


as of last wednesday, it was pretty much decided that i'm going to be a bulldog.


and i have to say, i'm pretty excited about that.

inadequacy

long time, no talk. but here i am, ready to dish out whatever.

this weekend i have been acutely aware of my inadequacies. it seems like i constantly fall short of whatever i am trying to accomplish.

my mom looked at me with an expression somewhat filled with pity when my answer to her prom date questions were all no's. i have this great dress i cannot breathe in and yet i am sitting here eating easter candy and drinking bottled water...

and the loser that i am, i feel sorry for the chocolate bunny i am consuming. i had to eat the candy eyes first and take his bow off so he would less resemble the cute creature on the box. and i always break off pieces of chocolate without looking so i can't see myself eating the bunny.

plus, i've been assigned the duty of typing half the senior last wills (actually i volunteered so chels wouldn't have to do them all alone), and i've been reading them as i go along. you can really tell who is friends with who and who is taking some grudges too far when you read these things. it's kind of sad in a way. but i'm so ready to graduate and leave the haters behind, in a way, you know?

and at this point, it looks like i'm heading south in august after all. it's been two weeks since the admissions counselor at msu told me the scholarship letters would be sent out, and while i still have a tiny shred of hope that i will still get a scholarship from msu, everyone else is convinced that i'm not getting anything. mama actually told me to face the facts and get ready to move to mobile. i don't want to go to south alabama at all. it's nothing to the school, but if i go south i won't be completely on my own and i feel like i have to prove i can do this by myself. you know?

so the lack of a prom date (apparently nobody likes me enough to take me on one little date, even as friends), the fact that i'm probably not going to mississippi after all, and various other little things have just made the inadequacy pop up in big neon letters above my head and follow me wherever i go. so i thought i'd share a little bit of my inadequacies with everyone else as well.

JM.

i was thisclose to getting john mayer tickets on the radio...

spring break.

so, expanding horizons:mission california is making me quite the excited.

i've been doing some thinking over the past few days of the people i've met through trips like the aforementioned and other various retreats and events. it seems like i only have a few precious days to spend with people whose impact may linger for years. people i may see again in the future or may never get to see again. i've had the pleasure of talking to (over the telephone, not face to face, sadly...i really detest the telephone) some of these people just over the last twenty-four hours or so. they probably have no idea that the things that they have said and done have made such an impression in my life. i often think about when we bring people in to help us with events or led sessions at a retreat or lead worship for us that i feel i know those people better than they know me. i guess it's because that in the space of just a few days, there is only one (or four or five, whatever) for me to know, and twenty-plus for them to know. it kinda makes me wonder who all i have had an impact on. who's life i have touched in a way i will probably never know. if i left some kid back in tennessee or kentucky or new orleans, or even when i go to walnut, saying "i remember this one girl from a church that came to help out, she really inspired me." i leave my thoughts wondering if i should let the people who have touched MY life in some way know that they are special to me.

on another note, spring break hasn't been quite what i expected. i had all of these plans made, and most of them fell through. but through it all, i still managed to have a pretty good time. i didn't talk to any of my three best friends till wednesday night, when i AIMed nicole for a few minutes, then friday when i talked to chelsea for a long time, and then tonight when i saw nicole at church for our cali meeting. it gave me a glimpse of how college will be when i am away from my girls. except, of course, when i am in college i will be completely alone, knowing no people at msu OR usa. anyway i digress.

speaking of college, i will be going to mississippi on tuesday and im reallllly excited about it. really really really.


alright i guess im done blabbing about nothing at all in particular. just felt like writing a little bit

hmm.

i'm not sure why i'm scared to sit in an unlocked car in hood of downtown montgomery...but i have no fears walking around a couple blocks in the downtown ghetto of louisville, kentucky. i'm not sure why i can't drive through alberta city with the windows down...but i can work and play in poor urban new orleans, louisiana with no second thoughts.

embarrassment.

engaged men should have to wear rings too.

to meet someone new.

he is killing me.
i'm holding his secret.
i'm carrying his burden.
and i think it is bothering me more
than it is him.
pluss i think i'm falling for a boy
that i don't even know.
how crazy is that?
i dont know what to say to him
and he won't type back.
every time i hear the IM noise
i practically have a heart attack.
there is something SERIOUSLY wrong
with this picture.

to the weekends we treasure.

it offically started at 3 pm friday afternoon. chelsea threw her stuff in my car and we went to the bank, to my mom's work, got a frosty at wendy's, and back to go to the adventure of winterjam 2007!

we didn't get floor seats, we tried, but a lot of stuff was reserved and the security told us to leave and find a seat elsewhere. so we were 4th row on the first level. not bad. hawk nelson was awesome. and i love jeremy camp. (the other ones did alright but i went for jeremy.) we left before it was over, though...

then back to my house...me, amber, chelsea, nicole. sleepover! we did the whole wizard of oz/pink floyd thing and went to bed after we talked for an hour or so. we got up saturday morning, amber went home. chelsea, nicole, and i went to southeastern bible college for preview day. it was interesting, it's a really nice place. then they had a preview day concert: candlefuse and ohio avenue. there were only about..well i duno, maybe 50 or so people there, so there wasn't a fight for front row, we were about three feet away from the bands. ohio avenue did a good job. candlefuse did too, ben's guitar died in the middle of the concert so he had to use derek's from ohio avenue. anyway, we met the bands after the concert, took some pictures, chatted with ohio avenue's drummer chad for a while, then left. nicole went home, chelsea stayed over again. we played around on the wii and on myspace till like 2:30. then we went to church this morning. end of sleepover.

but through the "fun times" that i've had this weekend, through the concerts and cute boys and good music, God has taught me a lot. it was an unexpected eye-opening weekend and i like that. how God can take an exciting weekend and turn it into a learning experience, that amazes me.

again, it was an amazing weekend.

hope yours was as good.

nobody.

i am Nobodys favorite.
but Nobody loves me.




do not fear death. but, rather, the unlived life. you don't have to live forever, you just have to live.

in one years time.

its weird to see how one year can change you so much.

we got our letters tonight, the letters we wrote ourselves one year ago, the beginning of 2006, about new beginnings and changes we'd make for God. i opened mine not knowing what at all to expect. i mean, it was a year ago.

after i read it, i'm glad to say that there were things listed that i've improved, that i've fixed, and that are no longer an issue. but then there are the same things on there from last year that i also listed tonight on my new letter, to be opened january 2008.

i will mention a couple of things from my letter, just to make a point. one of the things was that i had a problem trusting people. i'd had too many heartbreaks from people that i'd confided way too much in. now i realize who i can trust with what. another thing is that i wanted to get out. to go out of this town, this state, and get away. i wanted to serve and i wanted to do it as far away from coaling as i could. early last year was just an unbelievable desire to leave town. and starting spring break i did get to get out a lot. i left going to new york city, then to panama city beach. the summer saw me serving in louisville, then back to pbc.

when i think back over the last year, i can remember so much that i've gone through, all the stuff that's made me so much stronger this go around. the relationships and friendships i've gone through, the people i've met, the battles i've fought...they've all taught me something in the end.

the past two years, in particular, have been some of the most challenging, and i've learned so much. when i go out into other places, i'm taught a lot. but the way people act, the ones i'm close to, the ones i used to be close to, they teach me too.

there are so many people in my past that have distracted me, my attention. i recently decided that these people that so often drag me down don't even need to be a part of my life anymore. the best i can do is to love them like Jesus would, but i can't be around them because they are only harming me. i think that is the best decision.

i've decided to be irrevocable, i'm not turning back. i'm going to walk facing forward and leave the past behind me. i'm tired of living in the what might have beens and the shoulda woulda couldas.

i also understand that you can't change overnight. it's not going to be a miracle, you can't just decide alright, starting when i open my eyes, i'm going to be different. never again will i... it's going to take an effort. deciding to be nice to people and then gossiping about them in the parking lot isn't changing your behavior. so again, it's an effort you have to consciously make.

the year ahead of me holds so much, i've got a lot just within the next eight months. i'm going on a trip for spring break, destination unknown at this time, i'm going to california in the summer for a mission trip, im graduating high school, going to college, moving out on my own to be my own person.

but all of this that i've decided, all this mentioned above, this can only be achieved by giving it to God. i can't do it alone. who knows where i'd be right now if i hadn't had my Jesus for the past two years. i never would have made it. and i won't make it this year, either, without Him.

so yeah this is basically just a really long ramble that doesn't make any sense at all but i just really wanted to get it out. since i'd been thinking on it so much lately and all.

new.

so, i figured i'd post the first post of the new year on the first day of the new year, though i've waited so long that it's really the second day.

i wrapped up my year by spending four days with lovely people in gatlinburg, tennessee. the coaling baptist church student ministry annual winter retreat.



oh, gatlinburg. we'll start off with where we stayed. it was outside of gatlinburg a bit, which i don't really mind at all. we stayed at the wa-floy retreat place. it was a little...modest. the girls and boys were separated by a small distance, bigger than the beach but not too bad. our house had a tree that fell down in the front yard. we had the kitchen and the living room in our house, so that was deemed the meeting room for the trip. boys filed in and out all day. but, to speak more about the place, we had a chalkboard on the wall of the living room that said "get out", we had REDRUM on the bathroom mirror, a coffin shaped coffee table, beds with stained sheets, ladybugs everywhere, a toilet that ran forever, a leaking sink, random bathrooms, hardly any plugs, and a constantly beeping fire alarm -- in my room. the good thing was that we only had to sleep two to a room, and each room had two double beds in it.

however, this only goes to show how God works through your circumstances. we also had a beautiful "chapel in the woods" that we had sessions in. it was back away from everything else and had a little creek running beside it. the upside - our band - was amazing. no less than expected. fell in love with one of their songs. they rocked, no other way to put it. and they interacted with us during the week. because they are like us. i really like that when we get somebody who comes to lead worship and they actually hang out and get to know us, rather than someone who comes only to do what they were payed to do - play.

our speaker, joseph keenard. he was cool too. i knew he'd fit right in with us after i looked at his myspace and his general interests were "all things music. all things food." and i was right. he did. his messages weren't very long, but they were good. to the point and easy to understand. the only thing that he was pretty much wrong about is that we would hate snowboarding. there was only one that hated it, if i recall right.

then, our free time. not the focus or the purpose of the trip, but it was fun all the same. friday we spent a full day in gatlinburg, some shopped, a small group of us sat on a short brick wall outside of claire's and people watched, took pictures, and goofed off for about a total of three hours. it was great. that night we went snowboarding...awesome. i wish i could have done it more than just one day. so much fun. i think i fell less than ten times total. i got to where i could go down the hill only falling one time. great fun. i can't control the board after i pick up speed, though. saturday we went to newfoundland gap, i think...it was high on a mountain, either way, and in north carolina, i think. me, nicole, and the band hiked way up on the appalachian trail and had a snowball fight. then we ate at hard rock cafe. came back, took tons of great pictures on the couch. sunday we went into gatlinburg early and some bought swords and i ate ice cream from baskin robbins. mmm.

through all of this, i believe that God was working. He took our location, our band, our speaker, and our free time to bond us all together. i've never felt closer to some of the people in the group than i do now. especially the girls, we stayed up one night till two-ish in the morning talking about everything. He's moving us together for a reason. He's taking the words that came out of joseph and travis' mouths to shape us for the next level. He's taking the worship that the upside led us in to mold our future praise. everything about this trip happened especially to put into motion a plan that we may not know much about.

it's to make us stronger, more committed...fully, to Him. i think a lot of us have become distracted, led astray...we've allowed ourselves to sink into our everyday life and lose sight of what's really important in this world. we've become content with where we are and aren't striving to reach any further than where we already are. maybe we think i go to church. i live a pretty good life, i don't do those things i know i'm not supposed to. that's good enough, right? no. we are supposed to be leaders. to be continually expecting more of ourselves. to want to be more like Jesus. instead we're just happy to have things the way they are.

so maybe this trip was a wake up call. a call to get us prepared for the next trial we're going to face. to tell us that we aren't doing what we're supposed to be doing. it sure affected me, and i believe that it has affected others as well.

anyway, to say that it was a pretty awesome trip is an understatement, and that i think it was the perfect way to end 2006. on to 2007, full speed ahead.