long drives back and forth from starkvegas to tuscaloosa provide ample time for overthinking. today's subject? belonging.
making the transition from high school to college was easy. moving away from home was easy. but today, leaving town was hard. i was infinitely sad as i loaded up the mustang and headed back to starkville. as my switchfoot sang in the background, my mind wandered. where do i belong? starkville, tuscaloosa, africa? who do i belong to?
i thought back to around this time last year, when all my friends started to fill out college applications and making plans for the summer after graduation, and i had no idea what i was going to do. i remember getting later into the year and realizing that i had no clue where i would be living in six month's time. but, here i am. starkville, mississippi. home of the bulldogs. there is no doubt that i am supposed to be here. i KNOW. i prayed and prayed, and God sent me to mississippi. but why? it's so frustrating to know that you are where you are but you aren't sure why. i feel like i don't belong. the past month, i've lived for the weekend so i can go back to tuscaloosa. but, i feel like i don't belong there either. what is home? when i go to what was my house, i feel like i am an interruption in the daily lives of my family. like i am a roadblock on their otherwise distraction-free street. jonathan and i fight, constantly. i worry about him, because it seems to me like he's turning into someone really different than the someone i left behind in august. therefore, when i do go home, i don't stay there. i'm always out, with my friends that still live around town or at church. now, church is a lovely concept. church is home. not in the building, but the people that i fellowship with. however, it too is changing and taking shape and i'm left wondering when everything turned in a different direction. also, i've been thinking about my summer plans. i realize that summer is a really long way off from here. i know this. but i had my heart set on working with the youth at church next summer. lately, however, i've been thinking a lot about missions. about taking the summer and going somewhere sponsored by the north american missions board. consequently, i now, as usual, have no idea what i'm doing.
so, the only place i get a peace lately is at the church. yesterday, at renewal, i got to spend time with people that i had never spent time with before. it made me realize that appearances are deceiving, more often than not. perceptions are broken in the quickness of a heartbeat, the stillness of a heartbreak. i wanted more time to spend with said people, to get a better idea of who they really are. i wanted more time to spend with said people so that i could get a better idea of who i am. i began to wonder, who do i belong to? of course i belong to my family, but now, more often than not, i feel like a nuisance around them. i belong to my friends, they are awesome and have been there for me time after time. and i belong to my church family, but lately i find myself growing continually irritated and losing respect for the very ones i am supposed to be ministering to and with. and most importantly to my heavenly Father up above...what if i only had just a couple minutes left? i would forever be known as the goofy, slightly retarted-acting (and not very politically correct) girl that gets cranky when she hasn't eaten, too excited over sexy blonde drummers, and is uncertain about her immediate future. but still, the desire for an earthly belonging still lingers in my heart. will i ever belong wholly to another person?
so, these are the things i think as my mind drifts away, much further than the distance i'm driving on highway 82. the thoughts, questions, and doubts are swirling around in my head as the newest switchfoot cd plays around me. the one i didn't really like after i bought it, but now love. i don't think that i was in a place to understand the meanings behind the words of the songs until now. music is meant to be appreciated, and sometimes when you can't bring a deeper meaning to the song, you lose the message of importance behind the pretty faces, shiny guitars, and steady drumbeats.
now, as i sit back here in mississippi, i still ponder everything i've written. i still long for the answers to the questions my heart is asking. i still want to know why i'm here. where i belong. who i belong to. and what i'm supposed to be doing. to fill the desire of belonging.