Wednesday, January 10, 2007

in one years time.

its weird to see how one year can change you so much.

we got our letters tonight, the letters we wrote ourselves one year ago, the beginning of 2006, about new beginnings and changes we'd make for God. i opened mine not knowing what at all to expect. i mean, it was a year ago.

after i read it, i'm glad to say that there were things listed that i've improved, that i've fixed, and that are no longer an issue. but then there are the same things on there from last year that i also listed tonight on my new letter, to be opened january 2008.

i will mention a couple of things from my letter, just to make a point. one of the things was that i had a problem trusting people. i'd had too many heartbreaks from people that i'd confided way too much in. now i realize who i can trust with what. another thing is that i wanted to get out. to go out of this town, this state, and get away. i wanted to serve and i wanted to do it as far away from coaling as i could. early last year was just an unbelievable desire to leave town. and starting spring break i did get to get out a lot. i left going to new york city, then to panama city beach. the summer saw me serving in louisville, then back to pbc.

when i think back over the last year, i can remember so much that i've gone through, all the stuff that's made me so much stronger this go around. the relationships and friendships i've gone through, the people i've met, the battles i've fought...they've all taught me something in the end.

the past two years, in particular, have been some of the most challenging, and i've learned so much. when i go out into other places, i'm taught a lot. but the way people act, the ones i'm close to, the ones i used to be close to, they teach me too.

there are so many people in my past that have distracted me, my attention. i recently decided that these people that so often drag me down don't even need to be a part of my life anymore. the best i can do is to love them like Jesus would, but i can't be around them because they are only harming me. i think that is the best decision.

i've decided to be irrevocable, i'm not turning back. i'm going to walk facing forward and leave the past behind me. i'm tired of living in the what might have beens and the shoulda woulda couldas.

i also understand that you can't change overnight. it's not going to be a miracle, you can't just decide alright, starting when i open my eyes, i'm going to be different. never again will i... it's going to take an effort. deciding to be nice to people and then gossiping about them in the parking lot isn't changing your behavior. so again, it's an effort you have to consciously make.

the year ahead of me holds so much, i've got a lot just within the next eight months. i'm going on a trip for spring break, destination unknown at this time, i'm going to california in the summer for a mission trip, im graduating high school, going to college, moving out on my own to be my own person.

but all of this that i've decided, all this mentioned above, this can only be achieved by giving it to God. i can't do it alone. who knows where i'd be right now if i hadn't had my Jesus for the past two years. i never would have made it. and i won't make it this year, either, without Him.

so yeah this is basically just a really long ramble that doesn't make any sense at all but i just really wanted to get it out. since i'd been thinking on it so much lately and all.

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