reasons.

everyone comes into your life for a reason, right?

i wonder why certain people come into my life. i wonder why i feel a certain way about people and what they are supposed to mean. you know? exactly what it is about them that is going to impact my life.

i wonder why some people get so close to you, only to fall away.
i wonder why you get involved with people, for them only to break your heart.
i wonder why nobody can tell anybody the truth, we all hide how we feel, what we say, what we do.
i wonder why two people who are meant to be together just can't be that way...
without restrictions, without guilt, just together and happy.
i wonder what the significance of meeting a person for only a few hours will do for the rest of my life.

i wonder why certain people keep appearing over and over in the same place even when you both thought it was done.

i know its been said that you shouldn't worry about the people in your past, because there's a reasong they're not in your future, but what if the people you think are your past keep appearing in your future?

i just wish i could know exactly what it is about a person that will change me forever. that will tell me something or smile at me and make my world a better place.

and on the other hand, what exactly am i to do? did i smile at someone today and make their day a little brighter? did i wave at a friend going down the road and make them laugh? did i do something to impact someone else, even it was in a small way? am i to dramatically change someone's life one day?

will i ever meet the one person who i mesh with completely and have a chance to build a lifetime together? will i ever get the chance to further a relationship that i currently have?

and for answers, i'll just reply with 'every answer asks an even more beautiful question.'

*******
i guess it's one of those you'll know when you get there kinda things.
*******

course selections.

we talked about meshing today. webster's defines meshing as the fitting or coming together of gear teeth, but we were using it to mean the fitting or coming together of people. i know it kinda sounds crazy, but i swear it totally made sense. we were talking about how we mesh with someone...(actually we were specifically talking about people and situations but i'll leave that for another time another place). we were talking about how people seem just made to be together, and how it just sometimes doesn't happen, even though it just needs to because they deserve a chance.

indifference.

"i'm not yours and baby, you're not mine, but we've got something that sure is fine, let's take our love one night at a time. there's one thing that we both agree, i like you and baby you like me, lets take our love one night at a time."

george straight's been in my cd player the past couple of days. love him. songs hit home.

i had a lot to say tonight. but i don't believe i actually have the time and words to actually get it out. so i'll try again some other time.

i just wish that everything would work out the way i envision it. i wish that there was a fly on the wall that could tell me what i don't see. i wish i could replay the events back, like an out of body experience where i could watch everything. i wish i could understand. i wish i knew.

but if i knew, then i would be knowing.

i think i'm leading myself to believe in something that's never going to happen.

how can someone act so indifferent? it's unbelievable.



words aren't coming right now....

the best friday.

today was a good day.

watched walk the line. ate cheeseburger pizza for the first time. had a good time. (thanks!)

sang some disney songs.

went to a weenie roast! hotdogs and SMORES! perfect ending!

last minute.

i went to church this morning but i left emptier than i came. i've been on a trip with the same five people since tuesday morning. and i didn't get to go to church wednesday night. i love to go to church. and part of the going to church thing is to be in fellowship with other believers, right? i left this morning feeling very unfellowshipped.

this week we talked a lot about best friends and who we trusted. aubrey talked about her friend amanda, who she trusted more than anyone in the world and that they were so close, etc. and i don't have a friend like that. i used to. we could sit in my car for hours talking about everything and anything. we knew each other inside and out. it was more than friends, it was like being sisters. but we've lost that. then i thought i got lucky and was blessed with someone else like that. and for a while, it was like that. but not anymore. not even close.

it's so weird that the ones i felt most connected to are the ones that i am now missing the most.

i was thinking tonight about one of my friends. we have one of those close, not so close friendships, but i'll never forget a few years ago when he hung out with me when my best friend kinda forgot i was there. i really didn't even know him at all. and he doesn't even know how grateful i am, but it meant a lot to me. and, i'm still not going to tell him. he thinks i'm a weirdo already. but it still meant a lot.

now tell me what's the good in that, that he'll never know?

feeling alone has got to be the worst feeling ever.

i know i said i couldn't wait to go to new york to "get away" from everything here. like it was going to be a way to forget everything at home. but it was totally not like that. if anything, it was more so present there.

all i proved to myself in new york was that i make bad decisions when i am away from home. and that i just think to myself that i'm getting away, when in actuality, i called someone from home everyday. at least one person, if not more. so its not it.

i know exactly what it is that i'm searching for. and it has nothing to do with getting away. and i can tell you exactly what it is that should be the answer. but i can also tell you that i can't find a way to be satisfied.

i can point out every single one of my insecurities and my faults and everything that's wrong with me. but if you asked me what my strong points are i wouldn't be able to tell you anything. and i can name the one person that doesn't even care about all of that, and loves me soo much anyway. and i can point out the one that doesnt.

it saddens me.

i've been doing soo good. or so i thought. i've been stopping myself from commenting, from emailing, from talking. but it's no good because i just can't stop myself. i can't cut off all communication. even though that's really what would be best.

but i just can't do it. i'm a failure. i couldn't even go anorexic when i tried because i liked food too much to stop eating.

and you know that saying: "you never lose by loving, but you always lose from holding back"? it's wrong. you lose both ways. i'm living proof. you keep on and it's all the same. then you find one that's so much different, but then you find out it's really not that much different because it ends up just like all the rest.

i've been cleaning my room. and i've thrown away so much stuff. if it even remotely has an emotional attachment, i threw it away. i don't want to be reminded over and over of what i've never had. i wish i could throw more than just material stuff away. like, say, memories? that'd be nice.

the bad side: radio disappoints me. honestly i think that radio ruins music. there are so many good songs out there. and then radio latches onto them and plays them over and over and over. even stations that claim a "variety" play the same variety again and again. 'you and me' used to be a good song. now i can't even listen to it without thinking, "i hate this song". and it's our freakin' prom song! annnnd um, 'photograph' is getting way old, and weezer's 'beverly hills'. i don't even listen to that song on the cd any more. i just skip right over it. and 'you're beautiful', i heard it one day and i could sing it two days later because i heard it so much. therefore, radio disappoints me.

then on the plus side, radio promotes unknown bands and is a way i listen to music i normally wouldn't, like i wouldn't buy the cd if i didn't hear the single on the radio. so i guess that's good.

stupid sayings.

and i have to say, i kind of like being an open book. i don't like the part about my secrets not being a secret to anyone but me, but about the fact that people can tell when i'm upset or depressed or something...and can say just the right thing to make it better without me speaking a word.

i'm in way over my head.

maybe if more people would just tell me things up front instead of beating around the bush about everything, i'd actually know for something for sure instead of reading other stuff causing speculation...

just tell me the truth, okay? is it too much to ask for? don't you trust me enough? don't i matter enough?

emotions.

here is my confession: i should never ever drive when i'm emotional. because i am a speed demon more so emotionally than when i'm just regular. lesson learned tonight: it's not a good idea to go 75 on highway 11.

emotion - (n.) a strong surge of feeling; any of the feelings of fear, sorrow, joy, hate, or love; physical or psychological reaction to feelings.


today's the day when i wish i could throw away the emotion and just not care anymore.

i've been taught tonight how deceived i am by my own self, how gullible i am, and how completely naive i am.

and it's not really a nice feeling.

my feelings are hurt too easily. i need to fix that. fix myself so i dont hurt.

my feelings are hurt now. they shouldn't be. but they are.

but eventually i'll find a way not to care.

hymns.

we sang my favorite hymn today in church:

because He lives,
i can face tomorrow
because He lives,
all fear is gone
because i know
He holds the future
and life is worth the living
just because He lives

movies.

"i hate the way you talk to me
and the way you cut your hair
i hate the way you drive my car
i hate it when you stare
i hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind
i hate you so much it makes me sick
it even makes me rhyme
i hate the way you're always right
i hate it when you lie
i hate it when you make me laugh
even worse when you make me cry
i hate it when you're not around
and the fact you didn't call
but mostly i hate the way i don't hate you
not even close
not even a little bit
not any at all."

and i'm reading bad girls of the bible. it is really good. i like it. and even though it was written for women and by a woman, i think that men can learn from it too. the title makes it sound bad but its not, its so good. :)

chalk.

i learned so much today and i wish i could like automatically remember everything so i wouldn't forget any BIT of what i absorbed today.

the leadership conference i went on today was halfway really boring and halfway interesting. but it was so much fun. i am so glad i finally decided to go and not stay at school like i was planning on last night.

i'm glad that i never listen to myself.

i learned that maybe i am a leader after all. being a leader isn't about being in charge. it's about having the ability to influence somebody elses life. and in this way, we're all leaders. we may be good leaders or bad leaders but we're all leaders. and these people that you are leading are more influnced by your actions, and not your words. so your life can be an example for someone else and you may never know it.

i also learned not to make decisions based on how feelings. how often have i said something or wrote something because i was angry or sad and then regretted it later? too often. decisions that are good decisions aren't rash ones based on the emotion that you feel at the time.

also, i learned that love is not a feeling, it is a choice. (don't ask me how i learned this at a leadership conference). but anyway, it's like sometimes you wake up and you say to yourself, "i don't feel like i love this person today." but you do love them. it's hard to explain, but i know what it is that i'm trying to say.

it was absolutely beautiful outside today. it gives me such a free and careless feeling to walk outside with bare feet and a messy ponytail and twirl around in the sunshine. it gives me a feeling of joy to drive just a little too fast with the windows down and the music really loud. it makes me excited that i spent a whole afternoon outside in shorts.

if only.

if only
i could find the words
i need to
express myself

ash wednesday.

tonight we were supposed to give up something for ash wednesday. i didn't give anything up. instead, i added something. daily Bible study. something i need anyway.


because i feel like i'm already giving up too much.


today was the first day of march. it was supposed to be a good day.
not unexpectedly, it wasn't.


and i almost wish that i could say i hated him. but more than anything, i just wish that everything could just be understood. completely and totally understood.

bad fry days.

its really hard when you're struggling with bad decisions. its hard to want something, the same thing, of the world and of God. i know that you're not supposed to have both. salt water and fresh water dont come out of the same place, right? well i think that in this instance it will. maybe not can, but it will. i'm going to achieve it even if it means hurting myself in the process.