crushed...

i hate boys.
i'm crushed.
jealous?
i shouldn't be.
but i am.
incredibly.

it was nothing.
but to me...
i've had an overactive imagination.

and the worst thing is,
he doesn't even know.

hermit?
i think so.

i will never be able to look at her the same.

lifesong.

cold weather is wonderful.

yesterday, i heard "Lifesong" by casting crowns on the radio, and i got this urge to go outside into the cold and misty rain and stand looking up at the sky with my arms stretched out.

so i did.

and it was amazing.

encouragement.

encourage - to give courage to; to stimulate; to embolden; to countenance.

a friend just said that i was an encouragement. but that statement just feels so wrong. i'm not an encouragement to anyone..especially to myself.

i am not an encouragement, school is not an encouragement, friends are not an encouragement, life is not an encouragement, relationships sure aren't an encouragement...

i can't make everyone happy. first, i should make God happy. but secondly it should be me.

first of all, let me just say, i'm venting. when i vent, i vent . therefore, some things may come out harshly. now then, with that out of the way..

okay. first things first. i know i don't want to go to gatlinburg, and i knew that that wouldn't go over very well with people. i understand the purpose behind these trips is to grow together and such, but how can we grow if i'm being left behind? i have to have a support net of my friends. i cannot work alone. if i'm the only one, how fun would that be?

i feel like i am the only one who catches the crap. sorry if that's not true, but it just feels that way. not to diss my best friend, but she hasn't been on the last two trips and she's not going on this one either. this will be the first retreat trip i've ever missed. ever. i've been on all the beach trips, i've been on the mission trips, i've been on the amusement park trips and the hargis camp trips and everything.

since the new orleans trip, which was senior high only, it's just been me and the middle schoolers on trips. no offense to them, they are great people, i just want someone there for me.

speaking of wanting someone there for me, i'd appreciate it if my friends would actually support me instead of telling me that i'm weird and that i am wrong. thanks a lot.

switching gears here now..on to school. that's next, right? im out of order, oh well. school. gah i'm so ready to get outta there. for christmas break, then summer break, then senior year, please go fast. i am ready to graduate. i don't care if i am not "living it up" and that "high school is the best time of your life". God, please get it over with. i'm so tired of hanging out with the same people everyday and having to pretend to like them. i want to be able to go to class and have the option of going in my pajamas. to take what i please, to not have a curfew. to do what i like, to go out with who i like...

unfortunatly, i still have a year and a half to go. it better fly by.

alright, i just got into an argument about my sleeping habits! my bad sleeping habits, apparently. just because i can't sleep at night until like midnight or one or so, it doens't mean i don't sleep at all! i get up at around the same time every single day. i slept in today for the first time in forever, like since i was sick...i slept in till 10. whoo hoo.

anyway. lets do another turnabout. relationships. or lack thereof. i know i talk about this a lot. i probably put way too much emphasis on it. i don't know why it has always been so important to me. it just always has. and it's sad that i am made like that, because nothing EVER works out.

(sorry. this is not about you. this is in general. just add yourself to the list. because even though it kinda hurts, i accept it and i understand. i really do.)

i was working on christmas presents today and i heard a line from the hallmark christmas movie that mimi had on in the other room. it was a girl who liked a guy who went into the army, and for some reason, she didn't allow herself to like army guys. so the guy says something like "you're going to be a lonely girl." and she replies, "There are worse things than being lonely."

sure. but that is going to be on the top five, i'd say.

i know all of the lines... "you're so young, you're lucky. it'll happen for you. the right guy is out there. you just have to wait. it'll come one day. don't worry."

but guess what? i'm tired of waiting. i've been waiting. and waiting and waiting and waiting. i watch all of my friends get dates and boyfriends and then bam! their weekends are shot and i'm left all alone. again. watching everything pass me by like i'm living in a world of slow motion.

this is going to sound terrible. but everyone always tells me that they don't like my cousin at all, and that i am nothing like her. so how come she can get boys and i can't? obviously there is something wrong with me. and it kinda makes me mad.

another thing that makes me mad is mimi taking me shopping and not letting me buy underwear in my size because she says my butt is too big for them. thanks a lot, mimi. just thanks.

from now on, i'll just shop for myself, thank you.

*edit 11:50 pm*
i thought i'd post this song. i love "make believe" the cd is amazing.

one more time
i have crossed the line
now you wont be
mine anymore
one more dream
vanished up in smoke
now i have no
hope anymore

let it go
the damage in your heart
let it go
the damage in your heart
i can't tell you how
the words have made me feel
i can't tell you how
the words have made me feel

one more tear
falling down your face
doesn't mean that much
to the world
one more loss
in a losing life
doesn't hurt so
bad anymore

let it go
the damage in your heart
let it go
the damage in your heart
i can't tell you how
the words have made me feel
i can't tell you how
the words have made me feel

one more tear
falling down your face
doesn't mean that much
to the world

let it go
the damage in your heart
let it go
the damage in your heart
i can't tell you how
the words have made me feel
i can't tell you how
the words have made me feel
i cant tell you
I cant tell you
I cant tell you
how the words have made me feel

mixed up.

how can i feel so many emotions all mixed together? it's creating one giant feeling inside of me...i'm excited, nervhttp://www.blogger.com/img/triangle_open.gifous, worried, sleepy, apprehensive, confused, busy, blank, aggravated, apathetic, curious...it's all so weird.

everything is tearing at me..to ask the questions i don't want to push, deciding how to spend my time, and keeping up with my school work because i've only got 3 weeks or so left. i can't believe we don't get out until the 22. that's so dumb.

well i have no idea what to say actually. probably going to make a fool of myself again before the night is over. but i guess it's worth it. i duno.
http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=5854982744650515863

the lost sheep.

tonight at church, we talked about things pulling you in different directions, how everyone is screaming out your name, but you have to keep your eyes on the ball and stay focused to God. What a challenge. it's so hard not to become distracted by the things in this world, it's a struggle everyday, i know, even if it's just little things we battle every day.

i feel like i'm back on the television at school..."with something to think about, make it a great day or not, the choice is yours...and now to your moment of reflection."

oh yeah, reminding me of the morning announcements, my "words of wisdom" this morning had to do with brotherhood, unity. how every person in the world can stand outside and look at the moon, and it's the same moon here as it is anywhere else in the world. and when you look at the moon, you know that six billion other human beings can gaze at the same moon as you do, no matter their age, sex, religion, or ethnicity. therefore, we are all united together.

good things to think about.

the impossible question.

"there are two tragedies in life, one is not to get your heart's desire, the other is to get it."

well. that pretty much sums it up right there.

i think i might be pushing the subject way too much. i think i might be pushing it away. if it's even there. but you could tell me if i were doing that..i know you're busy with work and school. i just wish we could talk about it some more. i feel like i don't know anything at all. at least so i could know something. but could you just tell me..is it just me? or is it there for you, too...just with the complications?

because i swear i can stop it.

and then there was none.

the feeling she used to love became the feeling she hated.

now it's a feeling she loves to hate.



and then there was none.

floating.

today after church we had to get our christmas tree and decorations out of the garage and carry them up the hill to our house. among other things, i had to carry a cross that my mom made out of two boards and covered in white lights. i then thought about how strong Jesus must have been to have to carry his cross all that long way. i had mine up on my shoulders, and i know that women's and men's shoulders are different, but let me tell you, there is no comfortable place to put that thing. and it's awkward to carry. just think about Jesus', his was bigger and heavier than the one i was holding. makes you appreciate things more when you get a taste of them, even a tiny taste of it.

something i was thinking about during church today, looking around at people during the instrumental meditation or whatever it's called, i realize i really don't fit in at church. i'm kind of a floater. i look over to my left and i see some of the people in the high school with me, but no girls, just boys. i look over to my right and i see the college age people. (i'm too young to really hang out with them seeing as how i'm still in high school. sometimes i think college will be so much better than high school is). then i look up to the front and i see the kids still in middle school. (and they aren't as old as i am so its not the same somehow..maybe thats how the college people feel about me..)

i try to hang out with everyone, but there just isn't a place for me. i am my own place. the only other person that would really qualify is robin, who isn't even at church half the time anymore. therefore, i am my own place.

i guess i'll settle for what i can get.

again.

i cant seem to stop today. there is an outpouring of words coming out no matter what it is that i am writing today. my brain is rushing in a million directions. even earlier in the car when i was writing i filled up so much paper. most of it's just wonder-babble, but it all ended up having some point at least.

i was trying to explain myself to myself just now, and i couldn't find the words. it's bad when you don't know yourself.

stop.

i really went about things the wrong way. in a half-crazy, sleep deprived state, i went wrong. i don't want to mess anything up.

i just want everything to be like it was before.

part two.

kyle came and ate with my family for thanksgiving yesterday and hung out for a few hours. it was so much fun...i thought, anyway. my friend mixed with my crazy, HUGE family and santa claus (haha), but it wasn't awkward..more like he belonged over there in the first place.

realizations.

i always end up laughing at myself. i guess that's a good thing to do. sometimes its not funny but i laugh anyway. sometimes i laugh to cover up embarrassment. sometimes i laugh to hide that i don't get it. but i laugh.

i'm such a jealous person. when did i become so self-centered? why does it always have to go my way? why can't i just be happy when something works out for someone else for once even if it doesn't help me? this wasn't the way this was supposed to go.

thanksgiving.

well, all the talking about thanksgiving and getting everything ready for it...and the supper tonight that i am probably going to now, so that i don't have to cook..but i always feel weird..but whatever i dont really care all that much i dont guess.

anyway, all the talking about thanksgiving has got me all excited :)!!! i love thanksgiving and christmas at mimis house when everyone gets there and we're just all running around crazy and every where you look there's a person. it's not really all that crowded, it just seems that way...ever since i was a little girl. alll that good food and homemade cookies with sugar sprinkles and leftovers [cold turkey with ketchup! yes, my favorite thing about thanksgiving food!!] then there is spending the night over there and talking half the night with my cousins i haven't seen since summer or the christmas before or even a few weeks ago, depending on the distance away they live. then getting up at like four to go shopping!! yess! then you can taste christmas in the air, and it all starts over again!!

i'm so glad it's only four days away :)

oh God, he's gotta be out there somewhere...

it's weird how being sick puts things in perspective for me. it just makes me think, sitting around here with nothing to do all day. actually, i hate being sick, and such, but when you are there is nothing you can do about it. i should have just gone and then checked out today. but im glad i didnt go.

i've been doing a lot of thinking today while i was endlessly enduring reruns of making the band 3 on mtv. (laguna beach wasn't on very much today). i'm always the third wheel. why does that always seem to be? i've been noticing it a lot more lately. especially in the field concerning love.

and yes, this is slightly confidential and completely of opinion.

i've been caught in the middle of my best friend's relationship for the past six or seven months. that in itself is not very fun at all. it's because i think she had a very possessive and jealous boyfriend who never liked me very much.

again, completely of opinion.

i read an entry earlier from a friend's lj, and i started to think again. he was talking about not being interesting in someone at the moment and pulling away from some people..on purpose.

i've done exactly that.

i'm not interested in anyone at the moment either. and it's not that i don't want to be. because there is nothing else right now that i want more than to be in a relationship. i feel like i'm missing out on something. it's just that...there's really no one out there for me, it seems.

i've had those..um, i'm not sure what to call it. i've had something. three times. and i don't really care if they count it or not, because i do anyway. the first time...it was so long ago..and it was, ya know, the first time i ever really liked someone quite like that. i didn't think that i would ever have that feeling again. but, alas, i did.

two more times.

the second time it wasn't so involved. okay that didn't make sense. the first time, i was friends with the person, we hung out a ton, it was just like that. this time, it was with my friend's brother, and i didn't really know him at all. actually, through the whole thing, i really didn't know him. not until after i was not liking him so much anymore. but that time took a while to get to. i was always thinking about him, it seemed.

next, i went through two crushes, nothing really, just so that i had someone to like while my friends did, you know it. one was while i was in new york. i think that was just the trip magic catching up with me. the other was just something else i went through.

i didn't think that i would ever find someone i really wanted to keep getting to know, to spend my time with, to really like.

but then, it happened. i found a guy that i really liked. that i really thought i made a connection with, one that liked me back in the same way. the first two days i knew him, i didn't even really notice him. so it wasn't anything like love at first sight. it wasn't even attraction at first sight. actually, i don't know when it happened. we spent a week together away from everyone in a city a few states away. and everyone else could see it too. but after we got home, it just wasn't the same. and i really really liked this boy. he just wasn't feeling it the same way at all. he really hurt my feelings. more so than the other two, i think.

and i know that wasn't even recent. that was this summer. and i know that everyone really, just really wanted to know the history of my relationships. but bear with me, if anyone is actually reading this. eventually i'm sure i have a point to all of my ramble.

i've read the book "saving my first kiss...why i'm keeping confetti in my closet". and a lot of the things that she says in that book completely agree with me. but then, when she starts talking about not focusing on it, to ignore it and go on with life, i just don't see how it is possible.

all around me, all of my friends are paired off. i heard a girl in my 4th block class the other day talking about her 20 year old boyfriend. 20. and the girl is how old? FOURTEEN. fourteen. that makes me sick. an age difference isn't bad. when you're older. but 14 to 20? that's six years. and six years matter a wholeee lot when you're only fourteen years old. i'm seventeen...if i dated someone six years older than me, i'd be dating someone 23. it doesn't seem like that much of a gap. but fourteen??

i guess it's all come to the surface because the football banquet is monday night. i've never ever been to the football banquet with a date. robin is going. again. but not with her ex-boyfriend that asked her. ohh no. she's going with HIS FRIEND. dannggg. but i didn't get asked. and i didn't get asked last year.

this was supposed to be THE year. my junior year. we had such plans for it, that we were going to have dates to all the big events and dances and such. then robin goes and gets a boyfriend. and i was happy for her, i really was. don't get me wrong. but then, at times i was so jealous of her i could scream. and still do sometimes. so then, d is alone.

story of my life.

alone at the homecoming dance. alone on friday nights. alone at the football games. alone when the football banquet happens. alone alone alone.

sometimes it doesn't bother me much. sometimes, like now, it hits me like a brick.

all i can do is sit and wonder...why? why must i wait, oh God? i know he is out there somewhere. i just wish he would come my way.

i never thought it would be true.

is this the year we fall apart?
is this the year where it all ends?
ever since march it's been different.
i feel like i'm losing a part of myself...
along with all of you.

i threw myself at other things
but it all comes back to us.
we were supposed to be forever
not ever keeping it a secret from each other.

but one big event
and then a few little ones
have torn us waaay apart.
sorry i was a little mad...
you called me un-social..
WHATEVEr...
i sat by both of yall all night.

then you went to the movies
with out me
and just the other day you said
you didn't even WANT to see that movie.
but then she comes along
and i admit, she's not here much.
literally.
but i was supposed to be first.
or so i thought.

that's okay,
yes i'm a little mad.
so what i lied to you.
its not like you're ever gonna find out
you won't ever read this.
be with her.

when she goes home,
you'll figure it out
when he breaks your heart again
dont cry to me.

i told you how i felt once.
it didnt change over the past 6 months.
so that's your mistake.
i made one this summer too.
except everyone expected me to .g.e.t. .o.v.e.r. .i.t.
but its okay for you to mope around

::just blowing off steammmmmmmm
::because i hate this sooo muchhhh
::let me go back to the way it used to beeeeee

calling.

i never remember what it is about you until that moment i see you again

expectations.

overwhelmed. thats the only word.

today was blissfully uneventful, however.

hopefully tomorrow will be no.

no tc game for d tomorrow night.

in theory.

i hate this. i hate you. i hate me. i hate everything. in theory.

but i can't.

oh how i wish i could figure you out

don't ask any questions.

i just want to ask you a question
i just want to know
but i cant get the words to come out
but oh how i want you to go

dont ask any questions

love.

love consumes life

you.

it's been approx. 189 miles since i last saw your face. that's been 3 weeks and 1 day, a million thoughts, and two tanks of gas.

praise You in the storm.

it's storming outside. big storm. been raining and storming for almost 45 minutes. our lights have almost gone out a few times. i'm just sitting on my bed, which is on the wall opposite my big window, enjoying it. i can see the lightening through my blinds, and i can feel the thunder vibrating the wall i'm leaning against. it's another of God's creations to enjoy. i love to watch thunderstorms. it reminds me of last summer when i was at the beach. it stormed every night. we sat on our covered balcony and watched it. the rain would fall, and the lightening would light up the ocean. it was so beautiful. :)

my mom was all freaked out about the storm, calling us from work and telling us to stay away from windows and appliances. i was the one staring out the window dying to go outside and watch it even more closely.

new orleans.

i miss the way it was. inexperience sucks. i miss waking up everyday knowing that in just a few minutes i'm going to see people i love all day. i miss jokes - inside jokes like "couple" references, super mario brothers, under the covers, sleeping together, haha and others. i miss worship at 10:30 pm and junk playing his guitar and listening to him sing oh so well. i miss 'undignified' and screaming and jumping and dancing to the Lord. i miss peace and quiet. i miss the safe haven that i write in. i miss the encounters we had in new orleans. i miss tracing out little yellow butterflies. i miss traveling to new places. i miss a steady schedule. i miss the way it was. the way it could be. i miss the conversation. i miss the days when life wasn't complicated. i miss the muffins i saved for breakfast and we ate as snacks in the kitchen right before supper. i miss going to church for hours but not really doing anything. i miss lock-ins with that special someone. i miss the tears i've cried. the way you smiled. i miss the laughter, the love, the really good movies. i miss falling asleep extremely early in the middle of writing because i'm so tired emotionally and physically that i just can't stay up any longer. i miss being woken up by a good friend. i miss a good friend crashing in on my bed. i miss the songs we used to sing and they all remind me of you now. i miss the bus rides home. i miss the shared blankets and wet clothes. i miss the rain, just walking out in it. i miss the thunderstorms, sitting outside and watching the beauty of it. i miss the ocean, the romantic poetry it hides in its every wave. i miss the way it feels when my cat climbs in my lap and purrs and purrs. i miss the way you say good morning at 6 at night. i miss the satisfaction i get from doing something awesome. mostly i miss you. the way we fit together. how we talked, how we knew but yet had so much to learn. how we endured and pressed on. how we've barely kept in touch, but how for one moment, it was magical.

dreaming.

i remembered the grass being soft and deep

i remembered talking about sleeping under the stars together

i remembered holding hands in the dark

i remembered you leaning in for the kiss

i remembered then that it was only a dream

please...

please tell me. tell me everything. just do it gently.

enchanted.

"But my last conscious idea was an image of Prince Char when he'd caught the bridle of Sir Stephan's horse. His face had been close to mine. Two curls had spilled onto his forehead. A few freckles dusted his nose, and his eyes said he was sorry for me to go."
--From Ella Enchanted, by Gail Carson Levine.

falling behind.

I just feel like I'm falling behind in life, watching it pass me by. It's like a race where everyone is pulling ahead of me and I'm in the back calling, "wait for me!" But there's some that will wait, and some won't. I'm glad I'm friends with the ones that will.

addicted.

I'm addicted. To the internet. To the mxpx cd Robin burned me. To sappy poetry I write. To complaining. To writing. To singing. To emotion.

I'm addicted. And it's not always a good thing.

is it only me?

is it only me?

for who the world is falling apart?
who has the broken heart?

is it only me?

who watches the world pass me by?
with the awful lonely feeling inside?

is it only me?

that can't do anything right?
who has no one to hold me tight?

is it only me?

who is wanting to cry?
with no one there by my side?

is it only me?

it's not my fault...

the day i decide i am going to do it, i can't. it's not my fault.

i can't do it by myself. i have a fear of rejection.

i want you by my side but i can't imagine it so.

i have no faith in myself. i have trouble believing.

that's why i need you to say yes....