encouragement.

encourage - to give courage to; to stimulate; to embolden; to countenance.

a friend just said that i was an encouragement. but that statement just feels so wrong. i'm not an encouragement to anyone..especially to myself.

i am not an encouragement, school is not an encouragement, friends are not an encouragement, life is not an encouragement, relationships sure aren't an encouragement...

i can't make everyone happy. first, i should make God happy. but secondly it should be me.

first of all, let me just say, i'm venting. when i vent, i vent . therefore, some things may come out harshly. now then, with that out of the way..

okay. first things first. i know i don't want to go to gatlinburg, and i knew that that wouldn't go over very well with people. i understand the purpose behind these trips is to grow together and such, but how can we grow if i'm being left behind? i have to have a support net of my friends. i cannot work alone. if i'm the only one, how fun would that be?

i feel like i am the only one who catches the crap. sorry if that's not true, but it just feels that way. not to diss my best friend, but she hasn't been on the last two trips and she's not going on this one either. this will be the first retreat trip i've ever missed. ever. i've been on all the beach trips, i've been on the mission trips, i've been on the amusement park trips and the hargis camp trips and everything.

since the new orleans trip, which was senior high only, it's just been me and the middle schoolers on trips. no offense to them, they are great people, i just want someone there for me.

speaking of wanting someone there for me, i'd appreciate it if my friends would actually support me instead of telling me that i'm weird and that i am wrong. thanks a lot.

switching gears here now..on to school. that's next, right? im out of order, oh well. school. gah i'm so ready to get outta there. for christmas break, then summer break, then senior year, please go fast. i am ready to graduate. i don't care if i am not "living it up" and that "high school is the best time of your life". God, please get it over with. i'm so tired of hanging out with the same people everyday and having to pretend to like them. i want to be able to go to class and have the option of going in my pajamas. to take what i please, to not have a curfew. to do what i like, to go out with who i like...

unfortunatly, i still have a year and a half to go. it better fly by.

alright, i just got into an argument about my sleeping habits! my bad sleeping habits, apparently. just because i can't sleep at night until like midnight or one or so, it doens't mean i don't sleep at all! i get up at around the same time every single day. i slept in today for the first time in forever, like since i was sick...i slept in till 10. whoo hoo.

anyway. lets do another turnabout. relationships. or lack thereof. i know i talk about this a lot. i probably put way too much emphasis on it. i don't know why it has always been so important to me. it just always has. and it's sad that i am made like that, because nothing EVER works out.

(sorry. this is not about you. this is in general. just add yourself to the list. because even though it kinda hurts, i accept it and i understand. i really do.)

i was working on christmas presents today and i heard a line from the hallmark christmas movie that mimi had on in the other room. it was a girl who liked a guy who went into the army, and for some reason, she didn't allow herself to like army guys. so the guy says something like "you're going to be a lonely girl." and she replies, "There are worse things than being lonely."

sure. but that is going to be on the top five, i'd say.

i know all of the lines... "you're so young, you're lucky. it'll happen for you. the right guy is out there. you just have to wait. it'll come one day. don't worry."

but guess what? i'm tired of waiting. i've been waiting. and waiting and waiting and waiting. i watch all of my friends get dates and boyfriends and then bam! their weekends are shot and i'm left all alone. again. watching everything pass me by like i'm living in a world of slow motion.

this is going to sound terrible. but everyone always tells me that they don't like my cousin at all, and that i am nothing like her. so how come she can get boys and i can't? obviously there is something wrong with me. and it kinda makes me mad.

another thing that makes me mad is mimi taking me shopping and not letting me buy underwear in my size because she says my butt is too big for them. thanks a lot, mimi. just thanks.

from now on, i'll just shop for myself, thank you.

*edit 11:50 pm*
i thought i'd post this song. i love "make believe" the cd is amazing.

one more time
i have crossed the line
now you wont be
mine anymore
one more dream
vanished up in smoke
now i have no
hope anymore

let it go
the damage in your heart
let it go
the damage in your heart
i can't tell you how
the words have made me feel
i can't tell you how
the words have made me feel

one more tear
falling down your face
doesn't mean that much
to the world
one more loss
in a losing life
doesn't hurt so
bad anymore

let it go
the damage in your heart
let it go
the damage in your heart
i can't tell you how
the words have made me feel
i can't tell you how
the words have made me feel

one more tear
falling down your face
doesn't mean that much
to the world

let it go
the damage in your heart
let it go
the damage in your heart
i can't tell you how
the words have made me feel
i can't tell you how
the words have made me feel
i cant tell you
I cant tell you
I cant tell you
how the words have made me feel