do you know which one you are?

the difference is between the possibility and the risk.
they define us.

i want it any way you know it.

"you just put me right where you want me and i can't say that i blame you. i put everything you need to know in between the lines, but i'm still not sure if you left every word unturned."

http://iwantitanywayyouknowit.blogspot.com/

"you go through that stage where you realize you're going from what you dreamed your life would be to what your life actually is, and realizing that it's probably not ever going to be what you thought but that it's probably going to be just fine, all the same."


merry christmas, five days early.

i'm here.

heartattackseverytime.
ava+firebird-windows=amazing.

heart attacks.

i was unaware that the little yellow running man could give me a such a heart attack.
why in the world am i so stubborn?

okay.

succeed.

tick tock.

and my mother didn't mind, like you thought she would.

i am absolutely crazy. nothing else in the world could come close to describing the stupid things i talk myself into. i mean, really. i'm living proof that it's easiest to fool yourself. and the idea of us went over a lot better than i thought it ever would. we won. that battle is over. now we have to win the war.

things are not going well.



three and a half minutes felt like a lifetime.

prove it to me.

bold as love.

see once in a while when it's good
it'll feel like it should
and they're all still around
and you're still safe and sound
and you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark
singing stop this train i want to get off and go home again
i can't take this speed it's moving in
i know i can't
cause now i see i'll never stop this train




♥
its the little things that make me feel special
youre good at that

home.

if home is where the heart is,
then i have more than one home.
and the one i need right now
is too far away.

dashboard.

so i guess i will be cheering on my bulldogs from inside of bryant denny this weekend.
tuscaloosa will see me friday.
first weekend at home since labor day! yay!
listening to dashboard makes my day better.

i can wait.

i am learning the difference between being in love and loving someone.

the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.

i had planned on doing a blog on what we talked about at priority tonight anyway, but in light of the recent changes in the future of our country, i feel like i must stress one of the statements made tonight. our country is much too prone to put all of our hope into the man (or possibly in the future, woman) who will be living in the white house. we put our trust into them and believe that they will either fix or break our country and our future. but instead of a new president, what our country really needs is God. we are putting our hope into a man instead of putting our hope and faith into God. we are not depending on Him. no matter the outcome of this election, whether it was the man you wanted to win or not, ultimately God is in control. He is the one who is holding our future in His hands. and if our hope is in Him, "...we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him" (romans 8:28a).

besides that little tangent on politics, tonight at priority we talked about pain. suffering is not an option for any of us, it is inevitable. we are all going to suffer at some point. we are all going to have some form of heartbreak.

in the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weaknesses. we do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. and He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose. romans 8:26-28

sometimes, the times we face are so difficult that we don't even have the words to express it in our prayers to God (verse 26). but why pain? maybe pain is the only language that we can understand. God wants us to claim Him in the good times as well as the bad. it's so easy to call on God when you are in trouble, when you need help with a certain situation. but it's also our tendency to drift away from God when everything is going smoothly. but God doesn't want that. He wants us ALL the time. and if we only depend on God when our lives are falling apart, then how do you think He is going to let your life be?

"blows and wounds cleanse away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being" (proverbs 20:30). maybe God uses pain to show us our true nature. we should welcome these things because it shows us what is wrong in our life and what we need to change. it's like the gold refiner. he puts the gold into the fire to purge away all of the impurities. he continues to stick the precious metal into the fire until he knows that it is pure. and how does he know that it is pure? he knows it when he can see his own reflection. likewise, God does this for us. He uses our circumstances to shape us and teach us, He uses our pain to purify us until we are a reflection of Him.

"consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perserverance" (james 1:2-3). maybe God uses pain to prepare us for heaven. God uses these things in our lives because He is more interested in our character than He is our comfort. life is a temporary assignment, it is a test of our faith. it is to see if we can learn to love God while we are here, and in that, to begin to long for heaven. this world is not our home. so many times we think that this is it and this is what we are made for, but it's not. our hope isn't in this world, it is on the other side.

however, one condition to all of this. pain doesn't make any sense at all unless you know Jesus Christ. we have to realize that we don't have it within us, that we must fully trust and rely on Him.

which, ultimately, brings me full circle. instead of worrying about what will happen with our country in the future, we should be praising God that He is in control. instead of bashing obama, we should be praying that he makes decisions for our country based on what God would have him do. and if none of this should go the way it needs to or the way we think it should, we should take comfort in the fact that we are God's children and that He has a grand plan in store for us, no matter the pain we go through before we get there. one relient k song i love is very fitting for the end of this post: "remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there."

can i?

so i just want to crawl into bed and sleep for about a week.

winter dreams.

dexter was at the bottom hard-minded. the attitude of the city on his own action was of no importance to him, not because he was going to leave the city, but because any outside attitude on the situation seemed superficial. he was completely indifferent to popular opinion. nor, when he had seen that it was no use, that he did not possess in himself the power to move fundamentally or to hold judy jones, did he bear any malice toward her. he loved her, and he would love her until the day he was too old for loving - but he could not have her. so he tasted the deep pain that is reserved only for the strong, just as he had tasted for a little while the deep happiness.
winter dreams - fitzgerald




so its kind of a bummer when all of your friends are out having fun (hanging out friends, continuing football activities, bonfires, parties, etc) and you are stuck working and killing your soul.

your cold shoulder is something my hot chocolate can't warm up.

you know you do this every time.

so angels and airwaves. weezer. relient k. all amazing. total miles traveled: over 1000. total hours traveled: around 20. memories? priceless.

breakdown.

we have reached the point of breakdown in the semester. half the people i know have already had one. the other half will, i just know it. mine is building. but i don't have time for that right now. really

you know what it's like to believe...

it makes me wanna scream.

so here's to living life vicariously through song lyrics. i identify way more closely than i care to. just ask me, i bet i can find a lyric to anything you ask me about myself. ha.

also, today i came to the conclusion that i am going to stop asking for advice because i hate it when people get upset if i don't take it. i don't want to hurt your feelings because i don't listen to you, i'm too stubborn. from now on, i will make my own decisions, however poor those decisions may be. and if i mess things up, it will be my own fault. if i get hurt, i'll deal with it. it will be my own drama. if i complain, just shut me up. it's the way i want it, exactly as it is, right this second. i appreciate the concern and love involved in advice and i appreciate that you are trying to save me from my own demise, but please...let me make my own mistakes. besides, i am only hurting myself.

knowledge.

things i learned today:
1. it is entirely possible to sleep when your roommate and her boyfriend are studying.
2. the delicate cycle on the washing machine actually works, and well.
3. the (low)(dhigh)-(high)(dlow) and square below rule.
4. i should not be allowed to dye hair.
5. that beach blonde hair dye will eat your skin away.
6. that pink hair dye will stain the sink.
7. but that bleach cleanser will get the pink out.
8. that free pizza always tastes better.
9. that paper towels don't remove nail polish well.
10. that if someone were to walk by my room right now with an open flame, i'm pretty sure it would explode.

overthinking.

i was thinking
over thinking
cause there's just too many scenarios
to analyze
look in my eyes
cause you're my dream please come true

they say worrying is like a rocking chair...

and it keeps you occupied but doesn't get you anywhere. and i'm inclined to disagree. i hate worrying but that's all i've been doing all day. but my worry made a decision for me and i feel loads better. we'll see where that decision takes us.

we'll see where this all takes us.

surely at least one time it will be different.

life.

oh, how good life can be :)

do you feel?

i think the rain is making me sad today.

alive.

the heart of a woman.

The heart of a woman goes forth with the dawn,
As a lone bird, soft winging, so restlessly on,
Afar o'er life's turrets and vales does it roam
In the wake of those echoes the heart calls home.

The heart of a woman falls back with the night,
And enters some alien cage in its plight,
And tries to forget it has dreamed of the stars
While it breaks, breaks, breaks on the sheltering bars.





georgia douglas johnson
brilliant.t

churches.

sitting here at the front desk at the university computer with a dead laptop at my elbow and only a little bit of sleep, i am thinking about church buildings. i've been in a lot of churches. no lie. and more specifically, the ones that i can remember precisely. vine street baptist church in louisville, kentucky. first baptist church walnut valley, california. elk creek baptist church in orange, virginia. coaling baptist church, first united methodist church both back home. elkdale baptist in selma. the carver baptist center in new orleans. it's weird how i can remember the exact layouts of each of these buildings...the ups and downs and secret rooms and hidden stairways and which rooms make a big circle. i could probably draw you a map of these places.

so i was sitting here thinking that that's what most people consider a "church". we don't think about the people in those buildings that actually make up the church, the body of Christ. funny how it is that we can remember the building clearly, but we can't remember the names of the people that we worked alongside while we were in that building. funny how we can't remember the kids whose lives we worked to touch. funny how the "fun" and "random" things like singing and dancing down the street stick out more than the activities we planned for vacation bible school. interesting how when the lists come out for summer missionaries the fun activities are always mentioned front and center in the description of the mission field.


i don't know. it's just something that came to mind and i figured i would type it up and sent it out to internet world. it never hurts to have a reminder that the church is not the building that you meet in but instead the people that love you, help you, teach you, and touch your life...and again, those people that you love, you help, you teach, and touch their life.

semester concert update.

the semester of concerts is forming quite nicely. so far:


august:
ingram hill

september:
bulldog bash (matt wertz!)
sister hazel?

october:
angels and airwaves/weezer
relient k

december:
tobymac/relient k/family force 5

the notebook.

poetry...wasn't meant to be analyzed; it was meant to inspire without reason, to touch without understanding.

twilight.

i keep forgetting what day it is.
i also keep breaking my fingernails.
and i'm about to start the third twilight book.
i will have it finished before i go to work tomorrow :)

more secrets.

pcb till sunday.

i need you more than you need me.

i am finally moving on. moving on doesn't hurt anymore...it's the unexpectancy of the future that will prove to be scarring. i don't know how i get myself into these messes, but i'm trying to find the way out that will cause the least hurt to those involved...especially me.

i need to leave town again. my ten days seven hundred miles across the country was too short. i crave travel, and a good hug.

indecision.

there are some days that i never want to go back to school.
and there are some days i can't wait to leave.
either way, i only have nineteen more days to go.

to dc we go.

blah blah blah.
we leave virginia tomorrow.
on to dc!

virginia.

so i'm definitely having a blast in virginia, and i have only been here for a day :)
i love you crazy kids!

the bucket list.

so far, and in no particular order:
*visit all fifty states
*graduate high school with honors
*graduate college
*be a meteorologist
*go surfing
*see all of my favorite bands play live
*have a "wish on a star" come true
*have a meaningful relationship
*make someone's day
*have an inside cat (or two)
*write a book
*make a difference
*be important to someone outside of my family
*go to another country
*hold an entire conversation in another language
*help lead someone to God
*be a leader
*find true love
*get married
*have a family
*take a fabulous picture
*take a spontaneous road trip
*swim with a dolphin
*meet matthew thiessen
*do something to help the youth group grow
*trust someone completely
*spend a summer at the beach
*have a snowball fight with friends
*build a life-size snowman
*snowboard
*travel overseas
*parasailing
*go to space

poetry.

i went to the library today in hopes of finding four specific books.
i didn't find any of them.
i did, however, find discarded poetry on the backs of notecards by the computers.
i took my favorites home.
one of them said:



why do wild geese fly south in the autumn

walking won't take too long.




awesome :)

ready.

virginia is for lovers, but...

maybe i took the virginia is for lovers idea a little too far. maybe if we would have stayed there a little bit longer, it could have been something more. because maybe virginia is for lovers, but alabama isn't good for anything besides droughts and muggy july afternoons. and i once heard someone say that there can be no love where there is no water.

laughter.

i think i may laugh more than i breathe.
life is good.

the summers gone, the years have passed,
my friends have changed, a few did last,
the smallest dreams got pushed aside,
the largest ones that changed my life,
and all i wish for was come to pass
from rock and roll, to love and cash
it’s all success if it’s what you need
do what you like and do it honestly

if i had a chance for another try,
i wouldn’t change a thing
it's made me all of who i am inside
and if i could thank God
that i am here, and that i am alive
and everyday i wake
i tell myself a little harmless lie
the whole wide world is mine





the picture and the lyrics have nothing to do with each other. but the picture makes me laugh and this part of the song stuck out to me earlier, so there you go.

if i have not love.

"before you can be a spiritual leader, you must be spiritually led."


for, "whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. he must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it."
1 peter 3:10-11


and now i will show you the most excellent way. if i speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, i am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. if i have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if i have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, i am nothing. if i give all i possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, i gain nothing.
1 corinthians 12:31b-13:3


so maybe we should rethink the motives behind our actions. if we have not love, we have nothing at all.

countdown.

the countdown has commenced:

07 days until the girls retreat
21 days until virginia
41 days until panama city beach
54 days until mississippi state



come quickly.
i'm ready.

secrets.

postsecret is my weekly crack.
www.postsecret.com

we need each other.

1 kings 19:1-18


there are 7000 soldiers in isreal that belong to God.

elijah thinks he is alone, he needs encouragement. we ALL need encouragement. we all want to know that we are not alone.

the soldiers in isreal are silent soldiers. they are not bold, loud soldiers of God. in the passage, the Lord describes them as what they DON'T do, not what they do...how often are we also like this? we are not called to be silent christians, because in our silence we have become irrelevent.

in our silence, we practice cubicle christianity. we are working for the same company, under the same roof, for the same boss, yet we are working completely independently. we bring this principle to the church. do we spend any time with each other outside of worship services? do we try to have relationships with each other?

life is a series of relationships. we define our lives by these relationships.

so what are we doing?

other people could be relying on me for encouragement. we go to church to worship God, yes, but we also go to gather together and encourage each other. otherwise we get discouraged. we fail.

this is life. we need each other. tell people how you feel.


so who is it that i need to encourage?



* * *
expect random encouragement :)
and you can ask me how i feel. i will tell yo

barbie.

im really lucky to have such amazing friends.
and i felt like barbie today.

summer.

the unpredictability of summer is teaching me to stop planning things so far in advance.
take life as it comes.
never expect anything.

dashboard is amazing.
never realized how good this cd was before.

angel of mercy.

"angel of mercy
how did you find me?
where did you read my story?

i wanted to love."



to write love on her arms
sunday-saturday.

twloha.

we are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. we don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. we won't solve all the mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. we were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again and again until we're called home.

i am here.

this is me.
this is life.


live. laugh. love.


this is what we were made for.

things i dont understand.

since i slept through my first two classes (smart), i decided to post about things i don't understand before my next class. to kill time :)


1. cleaning the bathrooms at different times each day. we used to have a set time that the bathrooms were closed on our hall for cleaning, it was like 2-ish, i believe, i always had class that time so it didn't matter. but lately, every day is a different time. no matter what time it is, it is being cleaned when i have to go in there for something. haha.

2. chemistry. apparently. my grade can tell you that.

3. fashion trends. which include, but are not limited to:
- nike running shorts and leggings (especially when it is perfectly clear that the wearer is NOT going to work out. ESPECIALLY when its ten degrees outside. just put some clothes on.) oh, how i wish i had a quarter everytime i saw nike running shorts.
- leggings that cut off at the ankle and the person wears them with flip flops.
- leggings as pants with a regular length shirt. gross. just stop.
- ugg boots and sweatpants pulled up to right above the top of the boot.
- or worse, ugg boots and pajama pants tucked in them.
- socks with sandals.
- dresses over jeans.
- tennis shoes without socks.
- clothes that you are 100% sure the person cannot breathe in.
- underwear hanging out of your pants.





blah im out of time, but if i can think of more later i will post them :)

glasses.

i feel more studious
and much more productive
with my glasses on
and my hair up.

experience.

i remember why.
i ran out of experiences to write about.

this is all i could come up with:

she puts her pen to paper
watching the clouds float by
the music begins to play
as the rain begins to fall
and heart sings along.



blah.

writing.

i decided i'm going to start writing again.
i miss it.

possibilities

"be open to possibilities...that these circumstances hold more than what i see right now.

be open to possibilities...of God's promise to grow good things in hard places.

be open to possibilities...of discovering new hope.

be open to possibilities...one day at a time.

when i look ahead, i have a choice: to fear the future or to stretch my imagination to embrace God's possibilities each morning."

come home.

hello world
hope you're listening
forgive me if i’m young
or speaking out of turn
but there’s someone that i’ve been missing
and i think that they could be
the better half of me
they’re in the wrong place trying to make it right
and i’m tired of justifying
so i say to you

come home
come home
cause i’ve been waiting for ya
for so long
for so long
and right now there's a war between the vanities
but all i see is you and me
the fight for you is all i’ve ever known
so come home

i get lost in the beauty
of everything i see
the world ain’t as half as bad
as they paint it to be
if all the sons
all the daughters
stop to take it in
hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin
it might start now
or maybe i’m just dreaming out loud
but until then

come home
come home
cause i’ve been waiting for ya
for so long
for so long
and right now there's a war between the vanities
but all i see is you and me
the fight for you is all i’ve ever known
so come home

everything i can’t be
is everything you should be
and that’s why i need you here
everything i can’t be
is everything you should be
and that’s why i need you here
so hear this now

come home
come home
cause i’ve been waiting for ya
for so long
for so long
and right now there's a war between the vanities
but all i see is you and me
the fight for you is all i’ve ever known
so come home
come home

-onerepublic.

this cd is amazing. impulse buy that turned out to be one of the best cds i've bought recently. seriously amazing. invest in it.

materialism.

so i add to the materialism of society. it is undeniable how happy i am just to have my own laptop back with all of my files, pictures, music, and videos intact. i am now taking measures to protect my relient k photos and videos in the future. and also, you should know that i pretty much love matthew a. thiessen. he's amazing.

oh yeah, and now i have to write a paper. boo.

warped.

warped tour '08.
changed it to the dallas date.
july 3.
tickets are between $23-$28, not specifically sure yet.
you get the ticket, a compliation cd of all the bands, and a chance to win some backstage thing.


bands:
3OH!3
against me!
aggrolites
alesana
ANBERLIN
ANGELS AND AIRWAVES
as i lay dying
august burns red
beat union
bedouin soundclash
between the trees
broadway calls
charlotte sometimes
cobra starship
evergreen terrace
every time i die
family force 5
forever the sickest kids
from first to last
greenley estates
gym class heroes
horrorpops
jack's mannequin
katy perry
mayday parade
maylene and the sons of disaster
mc chris
norma jean
oreska
paramore
pierce the veil
protest the hero
reel big fish
RELIENT K
revolution mother
say anything
set your goals
shwayze
stick to your guns
story of the year
street dogs
the academy is...
the audition
the briggs
the bronx
the color fred
the devil wears prada
the fabulous rudies
the lordz
the pink spiders
the secret handshake
we the kings


interested? let me know. we're working out a road trip there, so we'll share gas prices, and then we thought about staying the night in dallas vs. driving nine hours back to alabama. we'll figure it out :)

descriptions.

dianna.
smiles.
laughs.
has best friends.
loves being random.
(like sitting in food world parking lots).
crushing on a boy.
dominates on guitar hero.
on spring break.
plays apples to apples.
sings joyfully.
loves life.

stp.

trippin' on a hole in a paper heart.
in more ways than one.

concert.

ben folds. atlanta. february 27.

ben kweller. birmingham. march 6.

anyone game?

hope.

"everybody gets one chance to do something great. most people never take the chance, either because they're too scared, or they don't recognize it when it spits on their shoes"


***


it will teach you to love what you're afraid of
after it takes away all that
you learn to love
but you don't
always
have to hold your head
higher than your heart

stories.

it makes my heart hurt when i actually get to know people and i find out how much they are actually hurting. i wish i could do something to help people, but the only thing i am capable of doing is feeling sad. a hug doesn't really fix much anyway. i wish that there was something i could do to help. and then, we spin out of conversations on kissing and alcohol to conversations on God and childhood loneliness. it makes me so sad to hear about people growing up truly believing that no one cared for them.

and it just makes me imagine that for every person spilling their story in the lobby tonight, there are hundreds more that feel exactly the same way. it makes me feel strangely privileged to have led a life where i didn't feel at all unloved.

i've felt completely loved. in pretty much every possible way.

and it makes me feel like that as the Church we have gotten apathetic and haven't been doing our job to love people. when people are looking at the Church as a group of people to support them in their darkest time and we fail, what kind of message are we sending out about the love of Christ?

because He was the greatest example of love of all.

show me how to listen.

beat but i'm not broken
guide me through with your hand
lead with your words spoken
show me how to listen...



i'm rediscovering the amazing-ness of the red jumpsuit apparatus.