and what a flammable heart i've been given.

it's nearing the end of the year, and it's about time to do one of those "year in retrospect" kind of things. i thought that i had done one before now, but looking back, i can't find any. perhaps in the switching over to the new blog format, i decided it wasn't relevant or was too whiny or personal, and i deleted it. or maybe it was the kind of post that lived in my head too long, so that when i finally got around to writing it, no words would come and it was never written.

whatever the reason, i find myself sitting at my desk at 3am after christmas, thinking back over my last semester. i'm chatting on skype and munching on chedder cheese covered crackers (which is really messy, and keeps ending up in the floor...), reaching for what i'm trying to say.

2010. not my best year academically, and the spring semester definitely fell under worst semester of my life. summer was long, and for the most part uneventful, not full of far-away road trip adventures serving communities so different than my own. instead, i had a summer full of working on the most social nights of the week - and all for free, just to guarantee myself a better future. now that we are all growing up, summers aren't full of carefree things like fishing and four-wheeler riding just because it's pretty and not that hot outside. or tanning by the pool and diving in when you start to scorch. we all had jobs (paying or not), and we all had to coordinate schedules to find nights to hang out. then came the so-called summer romance, which lasted all the way up until the beginning of football season. fall semester, again, not so great with the academics, but is already contesting my sophomore year for best year of my life. i've met people that i don't know how i previously lived without. i still had time to hang out with my old friends. i started a new job. fell in love with my staff slash family. had more stereotypical "college experiences" in one semester than the rest of my college career.

i had to make big-girl decisions. realize that my life wasn't going exactly the way i had planned it to. push back dates and deadlines. rush to get things done. run myself exhausted with the things i had to do. worried about the future and shared my secrets. ate 4am breakfasts and stayed up all night. i learned my secret fears, but also was able to share them with people that love me, and therefore, be reassured that everything will be okay in the end. i also had the chance to sit on someone's bed and have a conversation about faith, and look through their bible (i've always believed that you can learn a ton about a person by looking through their bible).

i also realized that i have two homes now. i have my home home, but starkville is also my home. and while i love being home home, and i love my friends that are still located around here, i feel that my real life is in starkville now. there are things missing from that life, like the fact that my family isn't there, and the real comforts of a home - like a shower without flipflops and my own kitchen and bathroom, and glow in the dark stars on the ceiling - aren't there, and neither is my cat. but i feel like now, i can transition from college to real life a little easier, when the time comes.

i'm at a loss for words now, but lately, when i think about life, i marvel at how very blessed i am. i am the first to admit that in my twenty-two years, i've experienced a lot of loss, but i am also the first to tell you that really, i have nothing to complain about. so things don't always work out the way i want them to. how many times does that work out to be better in the end, anyway? things may not be perfect, but i have a fantastic family, i've never gone without necessities, and my friends are beyond what i deserve. i have no words to express how grateful i am for the things that God has given me.

these are the things that came to mind, as i took the last thirty minutes to partially ignore my skype chat and let my mind drift over the last few months of my life. for the most part, it's been amazing, and i don't regret any of it. i can only imagine what will happen in the new year, with my new copious amounts of free time and my strictly weather-only classes. i know that whatever i can think of, the next few months will exceed my wildest dreams. all i can say is that i can't wait for it to begin.

the definition of family.

i stayed in starkville until midway through december. that has never happened before.

usually i am packed and ready to go before finals are done, and as soon as i can, i am in the car and on my way back home.

i think it's because starkville is just as much home now as my house. i just had no desire to leave this year. and i have a built in family, too. of course, i've always had the forest family, but now that one of us has graduated and the rest of us live in very different places and have to make time to see each other, it's not the same as a family that you live with and see every day.

that's what rice is to me. that's my family. especially over the last week, as i think back...we did everything together. we were apart to take tests and to shower and barely anything else. we even slept in the same room. and we act just like a family. we love each other even when we argue. we hang out when we don't have to. bobbie lee is like our mom, always checking up on us and telling us to be careful and safe. i don't know any other staff that is quite like ours.

i've been home about thirty-six hours or so. long enough to miss starkville. don't get me wrong, i love being here at my house and i love the holidays, but it just feels like something is missing. my other family.

and the funny thing is, is that i'm not the only one that feels like this. we've been texting each other several several times a day. not for anything in particular, but just to say something insignificant and end with an "i miss you". currently, i'm chatting with two of my family right now. we're counting down the days to our return in starkville.

next semester shall be epic, and i await the start of a new year with my other family.

understanding.

am i living it right?

i've been thinking about this post for days. i always do when it comes to the hard stuff. it always makes me think a little more before i push the publish button. and it may sit as a draft for days before i can publish it.

but lately, i can't stop myself from wondering where my life is heading. i had life all planned out. then God knocked me down to my knees. i lost sight of where i was supposed to be focusing, and planned my future around a person, instead of where God wanted me to go. obviously, that didn't work out. then, i was okay. it was just me. and i had things going good. i had a whole other set of plans. then someone else walked into my life that changed my mind again. before the short time our lives were intertwined was over, i had my life going in another completely different direction.

now, it's just me again. and i graduate in about seven months. i will be drop-kicked into the real world after i hold my diploma in my hands. this is the time of my life when i'm supposed to be making all of the big decisions. all of my conversations about my future inevitably pose the question of what i'm planning after graduation.

and to be honest with you? i have no freaking idea. no clue. do i try to find a job and immediately jump into the market? do i postpone growing up some more and go to grad school somewhere? will i even make it to april 30, considering i may drive myself crazy before that point?

i don't know where my life is headed. that is the problem. because i don't have a plan, and i like to have a plan. but my bigger problem is that i know that God knows where i'm supposed to be, and eventually i will figure it out, but relying on that fact isn't reassuring. i'm scared, and i don't know what i'm going to be doing, and knowing that things will work out just isn't enough to make me feel better. i know i'm supposed to accept that God has a plan for me, but i also know that i'm not going to feel better until God lets me in on that secret.

not only am i questioning my future (and my sanity, sometimes) but i'm also losing my faith in love. it seems like everywhere i look, people that i could have sworn would be together forever are falling apart left and right. people that have been talking about marriage are doubting their relationships. it just seems like maybe there isn't real love out there after all. that maybe paramore is right, and that "maybe somewhere deep down i know that love doesn't last, and we need to find ways to be content with loneliness."

maybe it's my quarter life crisis starting early. maybe its just a stirring in my soul. either way, i wonder...am i living it right?

can't wait to get going, but not quite ready to leave.

i am not in a hurry to grow up. i like things poetic, and simple. i like going to bonfires, where the trees are silhouetted by the flames and the embers float up to flirt with the stars, bright against a midnight sky. Where the voices of your friends echo past the water and everyone is sticky from the melted marshmallow of the delicious smore goodness.

but it is ingrained in girls from birth that we are all supposed to grow up, have a fairy-tale type romance, get married, and live happily ever after in the american dream. we are fed disney movies, and from the time that we understand what is going on, we want that happy ending.

so it's no surprise that i'm reaching the point where my dreams of the future stretch past living on my own and experiencing freedom and proving to the world what i can do to finding that man, falling in love, and just living life. i want to fall in love. i want to pick out a diamond. i want to plan a wedding, to get married, to live happily ever after. to save up money to buy our own house. to have children and teach them the wonders of the world. to grow old with the one i love and carved my life out with.

it's looking at the world through rose-colored glasses. because i know that life doesn't always happen that way, and even if it looks that way from the outside, that it is never, ever easy.

but that's the age i'm at. my friends are getting married and having kids. they are picking out their diamonds. the television i watch, however infrequent it is that i turn it on, shows commercials that depict that vision.

and i don't feel this way all the time. i mean, the desire to have that life is there, but i don't always crave it all the time. some days i just feel it more than others. for example: laid-back saturdays like today, when i actually have time to turn on the tv.

and sometimes this is the biggest argument that God and i have. or, correction: that i have with God. because as He is telling me to trust Him, and that it will all work out in the end, i'm demanding explanations for the reasoning behind things that happen to me. i'm demanding timelines, and that isn't how God works. sometimes i'm so stubborn that i drive myself crazy.

details in the fabric.

i'm scared.

i have so much to say, but i can't find the words to express what is bursting up from inside of me. i don't have enough time to sit and think and reflect on how it is i really feel, instead of just a rush of emotions.

so, i will leave you with a post of another. one that made my heart clench with the beauty of the words, with the truth of his message. one that makes me want to write even more so, if only i could find the words to say.

but, it's better if you read it while listening to this.

a long walk down the pier.

i have a terrible feeling about this. a terrible, terrible feeling.
which will prove itself true or false in the next 24 hours.
i'm scared for the well-being of my heart.

a love letter.

dear fall,

this week was the first time we all got a taste of your lovely airs. next weekend is your unofficial beginning. with that comes labor day and the start of college football. please come early and stay a long time. we all want to walk across campus in your brisk air and fallen leaves. we all want to dig out our long sleeves and have picnics on the drill field. we want football season and cookouts and halloween. and, when you do inevitably leave, pack your bags and leave room for winter to come in and stay just as long (or longer) than you did. fall, your time of year is the best time, and i'm ready for you to be here.

i love you.

love,
dianna

who made you king of anything?

if the last three weeks are any indication, then this is going to be the longest semester in the world. i mean, on one hand, i want it to be long, because i don't really want my college career to end just yet. i'm not old enough to be an adult. i'm not old enough to have an adult life (but more about that when i have time).

on the other hand, i don't want to have an entire stretched-out semester of physics 2 and water resources. a regular semester is more than enough.

either way, it's going to be a long semester with a lot of stress and a little sleep.

water towers.

days like today is when i most realize how stupid the "long-distance" part of the relationship is.

hanging by a moment.

life has a way of throwing things at you sometimes. things you don't expect. you can have all these dreams and plans, and then life just kind of happens along the way, and all of the sudden you realize that your life is heading in the opposite direction of where you thought you'd be, but that you're okay with the way it's going anyway.

this past summer (now that it is technically over, since i'm back in starkville, though classes haven't started yet), this was the biggest lesson for me to learn. as i sat back and realized that in may, i was content with the way that my life was, but now that it's the end of july, life did a 180, and i'm more than okay with that.

sometimes i'm scared because living these days requires so much vulnerability. i'm not good at being vulnerable. it's scary because i know that people can hurt me that way. but on the other hand, sometimes i'm worried that i'll try to guard my heart so much that i will miss out on something awesome. but i guess that is the risk that you have to take to truly enjoy life, to the fullest, every day.

but lately i've thrown caution to the wind, and i'm jumping in head first.

we are sorry.

below is a letter from the tuscaloosa news, a march issue. i copied it because i agree with most, if not all, of the statements below. i put it here in hopes that someone that needs to read it will stumble upon the message that we aren't perfect people, but that we serve a perfect God.

feel free to ask any questions in the comments section, and if you would like to go to church with me, i attend both adaton baptist church and coaling baptist church; if you would like me to help you find another place to attend, i will do my best to assist you.


***


WE ARE SORRY
An open letter to non-Jesus followers and those hurt by the Church.

Easter is a time of confession. We can’t speak for all “The Church”, but for our part, here are some things for which we are truly sorry:

That we’ve been judgmental. Judging is God’s job, no one else’s.

That we’ve been self-righteous. While we might debate other issues, self-righteousness was something Jesus never tolerated.

That we took the life-giving message of Christ and turned it into a numbing, soul-quenching, self-centered institution interested primarily in its own maintenance and growth.

That we’ve spent million on the finest of facilities, somehow convincing ourselves that building bigger buildings equates to “success” in building the Kingdom of God.

That we have produced a vast army of “consumer Christians”, rejecting Jesus’ message to “deny yourself, pick up your cross and follow me” and joining the call of “give me the best of everything or I’ll go worship elsewhere.”

That we’ve turned the all-out adventure of following Christ into a repressive, man-made-rules-filled religion.

That, on both the left and right, we’ve been more loyal to political parties than Christ.

That we, of all people, have tried to put God in a box. We’ve missed the fullness of God’s grace and caused others to do the same.

That there is often among us an anti-intellectual attitude. Jesus said we are to love God with all our minds, yet we are content with knowing more about athletic statistics than God. As Mark Noll penned, this is “the scandal of the evangelical mind”.

That Sunday morning services often carry with them an absence of acceptance, while twelve step meetings are frequently a place of brutal honesty, real community, and unconditional support.

That the Church has failed to rise up against injustice and evil, and in fact, has often corrupted our beliefs to endorse them. That we have justified our status as the most segregated body in America, both racially and socio-economically…that we have done an a lousy job in “environmental stewardship”…that we have said “love your neighbor as yourself while spending most all our resources on ourselves while billions live in poverty…and so much more.

That we have said “love the sinner and hate the sin” when, in many cases, we’ve publicly hated the sinner, and secretly enjoyed the same sin.

There is a whole lot more, but you get the idea – We’re Sorry. We have often given Jesus a bad name and harmed His plan of setting the world free through love. We ask that you not hold our failures against Him. In Christ, there really is love, hope, joy, peace, and meaning unlike anything the world has to offer. We’d also ask you to give us another chance as the Church. All over the city, people are coming together, struggling to get it right. (Safe Haven is just one among those groups). Sure we’re going to blow it sometimes, but we are genuinely trying to be the people of God we are meant to be. Find and join an authentic group of Jesus followers in worshiping, serving, and growing together this week. Help us get it right.

Repentant and Incredibly Hopeful,
The people of Safe Haven Church

you're special to me.

between goodbye and hello.

every summer i face the exact same feeling, and it usually comes right about this time of july.

my summer ends in one week. i have one week to spend with my family, with my cat, with my friends, with my boyfriend. i have one week to pack everything i need to live on my own (in my residence hall, that is). i have one week to fit in as much jet skiing, movie watching, hand holding, and last minute dates as possible. i have one week left at my internship in birmingham, one week left of commuting, one week left of practicing with hd-cameras and a 16x9 chroma key wall. one week left of doing nothing at all but chilling at my house.

but, on the other hand...

i have one week until i get to be back in starkville. one week before i begin my senior year of college, the beginning of the end, so to speak. one week before i have a stable internet connection. one week before i get to start my new job as resident adviser and plan all kinds of events and parties. one week till i'm as close to football season as you can get, without it actually being football season. one week before i get to see people i love that i haven't seen in three months. one week before i can resume my workouts at the sanderson, before i can walk the sidewalks of God's country. one week before i become fully my own person again.

so there are drawbacks on both sides, and advantages on both sides. i want to stay home, but i can't wait to get to starkville. it's the torn feeling that i get every year, one between goodbye and hello, where transitions are made.



i'm not a fan of that feeling.

can't we just begin already?

i'm severely disappointed that there is no one awake tonight for me to talk to.
this is starting to get fun.

if it weren't for you, i'd be normal.

me: i need a brain.
c: well scarecrow, i hear they got those in oz.
me: let's take a trip then. i will trade in my heart for a brain.

i didn't expect this to happen.

i don't know if i like it.

eclipses.

i'm writing again.
it feels good.


i wonder if it beckons to me so much because i believe that it's what i want?
can i recreate this feeling?

i've got time to spare on my hands.

a few summers ago, i wrote a mini-novel. then a sequel. then a third, and finally a fourth. i made it a series of mini-novels. they were silly, granted, but each had a storyline with a bit of truth and a lot of imagination. i only let a few people read them, and stored them away on floppy disks (yeah, floppy disks) and have them hidden in my room, along with the handwritten first drafts.

now that i have a laptop, there is no need to have hidden secret handwritten first drafts of anything i write. i am generally the only person that uses this computer, and i can take extra steps to password protect anything that is personal.

but the point that i am getting at is that i am feeling the itch. i'm spending a summer of doing nothing at all, and i have been bitten by the writing bug. i'm ready to write another "mini-novel". i'm ready to create another set of characters.

my only problem is that i don't know what to write.

take my hand, take my life, just don't take forever.

driving late at night with select music always makes me feel reminiscent. and it's always way too hard to explain after the mood passes. and yet, i always try to anyway.

i just find so much of myself in music, and i get lost in the words. and i can never express it through any other means, though i long to write it down. and i try, but i usually end up repeating myself. much like i'm doing right now.

it's like my hands and my head get in the way of my heart.



"yeahh, it's coming to get me
you're under my skin..."

stop hiding, lovely.

stop hiding, lovely,
i know you're there.
stop hiding, lovely,
you should be here.

come out, lovely,
it's about time.
come out, lovely,
so i can call you mine.

love me, lovely,
be my only one.
love me, lovely,
be my rising sun.

stop hiding, lovely,
you're out there somewhere.
stop hiding, lovely,
you should be here.

oh, won't you write me a love story?

oh, let me tell you a love story.

the story begins like any other: boy meets girl. boy is older than girl, but that didn't matter to him. she thought that she was too young to have a beau, still just a schoolgirl. however, fate has her way, and girl and boy become friends. boy begins to drive girl back and forth to various places (she has no means to do it herself). girl announces that she has no intention of continuing these rides once she doesn't need to go places so often anymore. boy smiles, but he knows better. he knows what she doesn't yet know. when girl is back to her normal life, stationary, she realizes how close she and boy live together. that winter, she sits in her house while all her friends ride across the snow with boys they met while she was busy. one afternoon, boy knocks on her front door and says, go for a ride with me. girl accepts. boy continues to take her on drives, every sunday afternoon. he drives her across the snow, and she sees all of her friends, and she is happy. once summer comes, girl moves back to her family. she then realizes just how far away boy is. she had never thought about him being so far away before. as the summer stretched out endlessly before her, an unwelcome feeling of loneliness plagued her. how dare she miss the boy she claimed not to like! then, one unsuspecting sunday afternoon, the boy arrived. go for a drive with me, he said, and she did. so began a tradition of lovely summer sunday afternoon drives that rivaled the winter ones. sometimes they drove just to see the sunset, other times to gather flowers and wild fruit on the side of the road, and other times to see the lake, but always to be together. boy and girl spend three blissful years together. they sang together, he escorted her home from church every week, and oh, those sunday afternoon drives. then one day, boy pulled out a ring. it was beautiful, shining gold, and the girl took it lovingly. boy builds girl a house, and six months later, boy and girl say their vows in the home of the preacher. girl is sad to leave her loving family, but she can do it with a heart full of love for her boy.

oh, won't you write me a love story?

there's danger in frustration.

life lately is not my favorite. since about spring break to now. i need things to change. i need an overhaul. i need fun. a new outlook.


i will be different in august. i promise you that.
but it's not going to be a fun summer getting there.

it already sucks.

hello love.

i've been waiting years for a guy like that.
he's exactly the kind of man i think i want to marry.

buoyancy.

if only i had the words to explain myself right now.
i think that would make everything better.
i love your hugs.




i think that super bulldog weekend could be canceled tomorrow and it would still be the best sbw i've ever had. sigh.




today was the kind of day you wish could be put on repeat.

perceptions.

if one more attractive man that i know turns out to be gay, it may just break my heart.

southern comfort.

man i love a southern boy.

joyful in hope.

when we sing about the resurrection of Jesus Christ, how come the joy doesn't show on our faces? how come you can look around the church and count the number of people with smiles on one hand? the resurrection is something to be happy about! sunday has come, the tomb was empty! we get to eternally be with Jesus! and we aren't excited about that?


someone needs to interject some life and joy into today's Church.

i'm begging you.

romance me.
make me feel beautiful.
make my heart pound.
make my insides clutch.
leave me breathless.
sweep me off of my feet.
touch me, and make me jump out of my skin.
put your arms around me, and hold me tight.
put your lips near mine, and whisper to me softly.
make me your everything.

oh, what a tragedy.

"there are two tragedies in life, one is not to get your heart's desire, the other is to get it."

we were such a tragedy. we were the definition of the quote above. when you were with me, i could write the most beautiful things. we were poetry, whether we were broken or not.

i want to be inspired like that again.

sort of beautiful.

i admit it. i watched new moon. twice. judge me all you want. i don't care. it was actually not that bad. much better than the first one, but still cheesy.

taylor lautner is sort of beautiful. especially shirtless.



daaaaaaaaaaannnng, boy. mmmmm.

semester/summer concert update.

concerts/festivals i am willing to go to:


switchfoot. birmingham. 3/29.

amos lee. starkville. 4/17.

goo goo dolls, train, b-52s. rocket summer. (crawfish boil, day 2). birmingham. 5/1.

angels and airwaves. atlanta. 5/16.

kenny chesney, miranda lambert. dierks bentley. zac brown band. enterprise. 6/3-5.



and the list can grow. i'm free all summer. anyone who wants to accompany me to any or all of these should let me know asap.

narnia.

every time i watch prince caspian, i am reminded once again how much better the book is than the movie. not just this book and movie, but every book and movie. and while prince caspian is a good movie, it does not stay true to c.s. lewis' classic, like the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe did. it almost makes me mad, in a way.


all this to say...i will teach my future children (if that ever happens) to enjoy reading. and i will hope that they will read the books that i deem "classic". and i hope that they will also read the book and not just see the movie. i will teach them to use their imagination to create images instead of relying on the television to do it for them.

march.

it has been a good week, though there have been some not-so-good things that have happened. perspective is everything.

despite those two sentences, the thing i've really been struggling with the most recently is that everything feels like a contest these days. everyone is secretly competing with everyone else for everything that we do. and i always lose. no matter what game we're playing.

i dont know why, but i really need to feel like i win sometimes.

i see a generation, rising up to take their place.

so lately i have been completely frustrated in everything that i have done. especially for the past couple of weeks. but this last weekend completely renewed my joy.

disciple nows are always fun, but this time it was a little more meaningful than it usually is. i had middle school girls, and although at times they were a little distracted (or a lot distracted) it was a good weekend. they heard good stuff, and not from me, but from God. the worship was awesome, and the saturday night session was phenomenal. we talked about how as humans, we are created to worship, and when we don't worship God, we worship other things. and that each of us have a God shaped hole in our life and we try to fill it with other things, but it doesn't work.

and there was a point in the lesson (its a little fuzzy what we were actually talking about at this point, because i was busy writing a whole page of notes of things that God was telling me...which is a cool sentence, when you think about it) where philip (our speaker) was talking about how we don't worship God because we don't realize the magnitude of our sin, and we don't realize what it is that he has saved us from. and i know that on this side of heaven, we are never going to really realize how much he loves us and how great an act of love that was for each of us individually. but i do know that when you catch even the slightest glimpse of that love, you will be overwhelmed at the power of our God. such proved in the paragraph i wrote saturday night on my note-taking paper:

oh what He has set us free from! what magnitude of sin we are forgiven for! what freedom we get from knowing Jesus. when we see the depth of the things that we are freed from, we wouldn't we cry out in worship for the God who loves us so? why would our hearts not embrace the truth of salvation? how empty our lives are without the joy of knowing Christ! why are our hearts not bursting with the good news?

and it really lended a great intro from big group worship to our small group time that night. instead of talking just about the session that we needed to cover, we spent at least half an hour talking about how great our sin is and how God loved us so, and then the salvation story. there's no telling how much the girls actually heard, or how much they got out of it. but the thing that is important is that they heard God's word that night. maybe it wasn't exactly what the curriculum was on, but it was what God was telling me that i needed to say. which is another cool sentence.

and like i said, disciple now is always fun, but this year i felt it on a more personal level. i felt more of a burden to pray for the hearts of the girls i was in charge of. several times during the weekend i felt the need to pray for the groups that were in sessions all over, not only for agricola's d-now but also the other churches involved in disciple nows thoughout the county. i also found myself in the middle of the afternoon, on my knees beside the bed i was sleeping in, praying for the hearts and attention spans of the girls i was with.

and oh, the sweet, sweet friendships that i am so blessed to have. the relationships that grew deeper this weekend because of our Almighty God. the other girls that were leaders with me have the sweetest spirits, and i am so glad to call them sisters. so besides the fact that we got to talk to these girls down on the coast of mississippi about the love of Christ, we also got to experience it in our own lives as well. i feel like this weekend was not only a chance to serve, but an opportunity to encourage each other in our faith as well. and really, that's what disciple now is all about.

the conversations that i have had from last friday up to the last time i was around people tonight have been amazing. how blessed we are that we can live in a country where we can sit around in public places and praise our God without fear of being killed for it. oh, what a blessing it is to see the work our God is doing.


and if our God is for us
what can ever stop us?
and if our God is with us
what can stand against?

intentions.

i intend to stop having a life. i will become reclusive with my snow patrol cd and my books and all i will ever do is study and hopefully start going back to the gym (since apparently i look like buddha). i am determined to do well in my classes this semester and bring my gpa back up. i am determined to get this wx stuff. i will make the best music video ever. i will study like i never have before. and i will start now.

crushes.

i love john mayer so much.

i don't care that he is a jerk. i don't care about the fact that he said the n-word in his playboy interview. i think that he puts on an act for the media. because when you listen to his songs, then you see another side of him. and i don't think that he could possibly make all of that up.

anyway.

et ducit mundum per luce.

weekends like this are the ones that make me doubt myself and lose all of my self confidence. days like yesterday are what make me think i'm in the wrong major. times like this make me realize i still have nothing better to do than try and fix my problems with chocolate and self pity.


what's wrong with full time music? if i had the money, i would drop out of school and be a professional groupie. that sounds like the best job in the world. it only feels right to read rolling stone and jam to the beat.


but i'll figure it out eventually.

this is potentially a bad idea.

i dislike february.

spaghetti noodles.

i always make things into big deals when there isn't even an issue. i imagine a lot of things. sometimes it makes my heart hurt. it may be the only reason why being both a dreamer and incredibly hopeful is a bad thing.

tell me darling do you wish we'd fallen in love?

there is no limit to the things that inspire me and leave me breathless lately.

make up your mind.

it's what you said you always wanted. then you changed your mind. so why are you so disappointed?

it's okay to feel like an idiot sometimes.