Saturday, October 23, 2010

am i living it right?

i've been thinking about this post for days. i always do when it comes to the hard stuff. it always makes me think a little more before i push the publish button. and it may sit as a draft for days before i can publish it.

but lately, i can't stop myself from wondering where my life is heading. i had life all planned out. then God knocked me down to my knees. i lost sight of where i was supposed to be focusing, and planned my future around a person, instead of where God wanted me to go. obviously, that didn't work out. then, i was okay. it was just me. and i had things going good. i had a whole other set of plans. then someone else walked into my life that changed my mind again. before the short time our lives were intertwined was over, i had my life going in another completely different direction.

now, it's just me again. and i graduate in about seven months. i will be drop-kicked into the real world after i hold my diploma in my hands. this is the time of my life when i'm supposed to be making all of the big decisions. all of my conversations about my future inevitably pose the question of what i'm planning after graduation.

and to be honest with you? i have no freaking idea. no clue. do i try to find a job and immediately jump into the market? do i postpone growing up some more and go to grad school somewhere? will i even make it to april 30, considering i may drive myself crazy before that point?

i don't know where my life is headed. that is the problem. because i don't have a plan, and i like to have a plan. but my bigger problem is that i know that God knows where i'm supposed to be, and eventually i will figure it out, but relying on that fact isn't reassuring. i'm scared, and i don't know what i'm going to be doing, and knowing that things will work out just isn't enough to make me feel better. i know i'm supposed to accept that God has a plan for me, but i also know that i'm not going to feel better until God lets me in on that secret.

not only am i questioning my future (and my sanity, sometimes) but i'm also losing my faith in love. it seems like everywhere i look, people that i could have sworn would be together forever are falling apart left and right. people that have been talking about marriage are doubting their relationships. it just seems like maybe there isn't real love out there after all. that maybe paramore is right, and that "maybe somewhere deep down i know that love doesn't last, and we need to find ways to be content with loneliness."

maybe it's my quarter life crisis starting early. maybe its just a stirring in my soul. either way, i i living it right?

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