easy come easy go.

so i guess that's it.



easy come, easy go?
but deep down it's not that easy at all.

devotional.

today has been very lazy. i have to soak it up since school's about to start. blah.


a part of me is still sad, but it's not been so bad today.


i wrote a devotional for sunday night's SLT meeting. it's about love. it was going to be about leadership, so i started that one, but the other one is so much better. so im doing it instead (im guessing if its okay).


i wish life would stop sounding like a simple plan and/or weezer cd...

rumors.

the tongue is the greatest evil right?

well, sometimes i wish that the coaling youth rumor mill revolved around someone other than me. i dont like rumors. especially *untrue* rumors...

blame.

i blame it all on being a girl. i think with my heart and not my head.

crush.

crush
crush
crush
crush
crushed






today's been full of dreams, but not so much the dreamer

honesty.

how can you be honest and not hurt someone's feelings?


it's sad how many things are complicated and can't uncomplicate.


edit[12:02 am]://dont read more into this than what it is: today was a little more than i expected.

dance.

the most important thing i learned this weekend was "don't ever be afraid to dance".

it's something matt told me on saturday, and i thought it was pretty profound. because if you're afraid of something (not just dancing) then you miss out on something that you really want to do. and that's just really dumb to miss something because of fear.

away she flew.

she was elusive. she was today. she was tomorrow. she was the faintest scent of a cactus flower, the flitting shadow of an elf owl. we did not know what to make of her. in our minds we tried to pin her to corkboard like a butterfly, but the pin merely went through and away she flew.

*stargirl

wallflowers.

i just finished reading the perks of being a wallflower. it made me sad, and parts of it made me think. and parts of it i didn't like, and parts of it i really really liked. overall i'd say i liked it. it had some good quotes in it that stood out to me for different reasons:

"but because things change. and friends leave. and life doesnt stop for anybody."

"the halls seemed different. and the juniors were acting different because they are now seniors."

"when i was driving home, i just thought about the word "special"... i was very grateful to have heard it again. because i guess we all forget sometimes. and i think everyone is special in their own way. i really do. "

"the inside jokes werent jokes anymore. they had become stories. nobody brought up the bad names or the bad times. and nobody felt sad as long as we could postpone tomorrow with more nostalgia."

"i dont want to be somebodys crush. if somebody likes me, i want them to like the real me, not what they think i am. and i dont want them to carry it around inside. i want them to show me, so i can feel it too. i want them to be able to do whatever they want around me. and if they do something i dont like, i'll tell them. "

today i helped work the senior portraits at school. it made me feel really old, in a way, but then the other part of me felt like i wasn't old enough to be a senior, that i was just playing dress up again, smiling pretty for the camera. (not that i actually took mine today, but we did some posing anyway.) i don't feel old enough to be able to shoulder the responsibility of graduating and deciding my future and choosing a college. then again, i feel like i should already be fast fowarded to way past all the decision making and just be there, already.

building bridges.

well, i'm back from panama city. and i can honestly say that it was a life changing experience for quite a few people.

i started out the weekend needing a major attitude adjustment. i wanted a different room, different mirrors, different bathrooms, more toilet paper and showers, different stuff, different this, different that...

one of the very first questions that joey (our speaker) asked us is the reason why we came on this retreat. there were lots of answers...mine was to learn. and the beach, of course. and boy, did i get what i wanted. i learned a lot more than i thought i would. i started out thinking that i wasn't going to like joey's way of teaching at all, and it was different, but it taught me.

i started to think really hard (okay, maybe overthink) about my motives in a lot of the things that i've done lately. what if i had everyone fooled - including myself - and God was the only one who knew that i was doing stuff for the wrong reasons. how could i be a leader in the youth, in the church, my school, my community? i felt a lot better after a talk on the beach with travis and a moonlight reflection ankle-deep in the ocean with the waves crashing around me and my friends standing near. i got this feeling...peaceful, that i was worrying about nothing, that everything was going to be alright.

friday was spent on the road, likewise today, saturday was spent on the beach, and sunday we cruised over to shell island, saw some wild dolphins (!!!!!!), cute boys that look like ryan junkin and justin hott, and eating out at pinapple willy's. then, instead of a nightly session, we had the love chair.

i completely forgot that we were slated to have another love chair. honestly, before this trip, i absolutely HATED the love chair. sometimes i find myself having a hard time thinking of something to say that sounds of sincere encouragement. i was second to be in the love chair, and some of it was a surprise, some of it i expected, some of it made me want to cry, some of it made me want to leap out of my chair and hug whoever was talking. but, as we went around the circle, i found myself anxiously waiting to tell the person in the middle whatever it was that i loved about them. i felt such a deeper connection to everyone after we got done. i kinda hated that we skipped the adults, though. but thats what the encourage cards were for:)

i got another henna tattoo..but i think i got ripped off..because its already fading and its only been a day. that sucks. i guess if it does i'll use a sharpie and draw it back on for the rest of the month. and gosh im poor, i came home with one stinkin dollar from this trip. just one.

but i got to go to whataburger today. and talk to justin on IM.

rude awakening: it's amazing how God works, isn't it? i prayed for a girl on our trip about her faith and salvation, and later that night, she got saved. i had doubts about our lessons, but i learned a lot more than i thought. i made deeper friendships and started to learn guitar. i relaxed. i swam in the ocean, soaked in God's beauty, and the sun (causing the sunburn that is currently upon my body, and my peeling nose), saw His creation (dolphins, manatee), and proved myself wrong over and over again. all in one great weekend.

and i'm glad to be home, but i definitely miss being able to walk outside, cross the street, and hit the sandy beach. then again, i'm super happy i'm sleeping in my own bed tonight (and not a bunkbed), and that i'm not sharing a bathroom with 10 females anymore.

so yeah, my weekend was great. let's go do something else!

red suitcases.

i'm so excited that i get to break out the battered old red suitcase once again. it's become my best friend over the past couple of years. i never knew that it was just the beginning when my mimi gave me that luggage set a couple of years ago for christmas. i was like, hey, great, i'm going to gatlinburg. but since then, it's accompanied me to new york city twice, the beach several times, gatlinburg a couple of times, louisville, chattanooga, new orleans twice, etc etc etc. and california next year!

there's always the promise of adventure in the air when i step out of my house armed with my red suitcase, carry-on shoulder bag, purse, pillow, and fully charged cellphone. i never know what exactly is in store for me.

i'm excited about packing. i always wait till last minute to do my packing. i've never packed earlier than the day before i leave. but, i feel like i'm restraining myself not to break the tradition, lol.

and i'm only going to the beach.

then again, it's one of my most favorite places to be. like, top 2. any beach. (well, except for in pascagoula. it's the only beach i wasn't all that excited about. mainly because it wasn't much of a beach.) but now: panama city. sandy white beaches...cruises to shell island...NEW BIKINIS!

barbecue.

so today i ate really good barbecue for lunch and supper...mmm. i love when we have holidays because jerry *always* cooks out. and on tuesday, we're cooking out again, and having homemade ice cream, and watermelon. aw, how patriotic of me.

celebrating the fourth of july in style last year - sitting on the grassy riverbank of the mississippi river in new orleans, louisiana - was fun, but i'm kinda glad we're still in coaling this year.

tonight we had fireworks at church, and it was a pretty good show. there were a *ton* of people there, people i didn't know (but that's okay). lots of college people. kinda weird to think that in just one very short year i'll be a "college people". but i'm gonna hang with the youth because we do all the cool stuff. college people don't do anything anymore.

but they're pretty cool anyway. college brings forth the illusion of freedom. freedom to do as you please.

i miss some certain college people :)

speaking (typing) of college people, i found out one of my college-aged friends is moving away. it's sad.

rude awakening: but the thing about living in a college town is that you never know exactly how long you'll get to be friends with someone. it's inevitable that someday they'll leave for "real life" and you might never see them again. it's a price you have to pay.

summer.

okay, so today was most excellente.

rude awakening: so what if we only got to stay at the river for a couple hours and not till six as planned? martha ann's pool is almost as fun and a lot cleaner! plus there are no big fish *OR* alligators. :)

yeah so. my welcome screen had little red white and blue stars. it made me happy. 4th of july is so close! and summer is, what? halfway over? whoa. slooow down.





edit(1225AM)://i have come to the conclusion that i am not popular with people my own age. i only get along with people years older or people years younger, aka my college age & above friends, and my middle school homies. haha thats so sad.

also, my vocabulary has been great these past two weeks and i have the best toy ever..some little suction cup rolly thing like the one i found in jason's desk :)