do i look like the magnet for people to come to with their problems?
obviously. look at who i'm talking to.
the swirling thoughts are getting even more mixed up now than they were a couple hours ago. its mostly boys. i dont know why that's such a big focus today but obviously it is.
if i'm waiting on my prince charming, how come i feel so royally screwed?
i'm more than ready to move on with someone new, but i don't want to get involved with someone until i'm positive that it's going to go somewhere. i'm tired of being led on. i'm tired of being hurt.
why can't people understand that?
and fyi: the things you say in the past don't magically become all better just by saying sorry. it does hurt.
so what if i've changed? i'm tougher now and i can handle it. and i like who i've become. so if you don't, sorry. too bad for you.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Monday, June 26, 2006
i am yours, send me.
here am i, i am Yours, send me
i just posted so much about what we *did* in louisville and i didn't post anything about what i actually learned...shame shame.
i learned about compassion. i learned that it's not about me. i learned that there is no such thing as best friends forever. i learned that not everything will turn out the way that you expect it to. that on the surface, things are a lot different than they are on the inside. that i suck at frisbee. that the best of friends can be found in the most unusual places. that i'm not scared to be in the ghetto. that you have to rely on your faith. you have to depend on God and no one else. that people will make fun of you for having an "inferiority complex". but then again, i learned that there are those that will sit on the floor with you but when you ask them to leave (because they're making you nervous) they'll go do something else until you need them again. that i'm ridiculously addicted to the internet. that relient k songs relate to everything. that occasionally everyone feels incompetent, that it's not all in my head. that people are really different in places other than home, but friendship prevails in the end. that when ya gotta go, ya gotta go (lol). that your hands will still smell like bleach even after washing your hands AND taking a shower if you've cleaned with it all day. that when you don't spend a lot of time with people, you tend to build them up in your mind until all their imperfections are gone and they are exactly how you want them to be. that things change over time. that everything you think you knew, you had no idea about. that i actually complain a LOT, although i dont really mean to. that you can love so much it hurts. that it always rains whenever we take a trip. that God has a plan for your life.
the best thing about working with the youth was definitely the opportunity to build relationships with all the people in there. but i also loved to get the messages that josh brought each night. i found out that not all churches operate the same way we do. these kids were different. for one thing, the majority of them were unsaved. however, they were eager. eager to learn, eager to talk, eager to ask questions, eager to read...it was a lot different. but the insight i gained was priceless.
one night we talked about death...and what we'd have put on our tombstones when we went...how we wanted to be remembered. i heard lots of answers. i had no idea whatsoever. but i've been thinking (as morbid as it sounds). if i die young, i would want life after death and taxes to be my song that everyone plays, because it has such a good chorus: "and this is how i choose to live, as if i'm jumping off a cliff, knowing that you'll save me, knowing that you'll save me. and after all the stupid things i did, there's nothing left there to forgive, because you already forgave me, you already forgave me. never forget, there's life after death and taxes. forgiveness comes, all other acts, is what passes away." etc. whatever. but now i think i know how i want to be remembered. maybe. i want to touch somebody's life. even if it's just a hello or a smile, or if it was something big, i want to touch somebody's life. they may forget about it, but maybe one day they'll think about it and it will make them smile again. and i'll always be remembered in heaven, because Jesus said whatever we do unto another we do unto Him.
it's always hard to feel like you're not good enough. but on this trip, sometimes i just felt like i was in the way. especially when i was doing my lesson. some might think i'm making too big a deal out of a five minute devotional type thing, but then again, that person doesn't know that i'm absolutely terrified of getting in front of a group of people. i'm scared of failure. i'm convinced that someone else can do a much better job than i could ever do. (this is where my inferiority complex comes into play, imaginary or not). i understand that it was just help, general guidelines, and hello, i asked for it. but i felt like we could look right at me and sing "mirror mirror on the wall, who's the stupidest of them all?" i was just not top notch that night. but..never mind. not going there.
i know it's all about stepping outside of comfort zones. but the thing about comfort zones are...they're so comfortable!
i feel like this post may be contradicting the good times i depicted in my last entry. however, let me fix that misconception: i had a great time in kentucky. it was an eye-opening experience. all the things i mentioned were good things, i promise. (well except the whole feeling useless thing but whatever). i feel like i found a friend that understands me on a deeper level; however superficial that may sound. and who knows, it might be all in my head.
i wish that i could know what it is that God has for me, what my life holds for the future. sometimes i just wish i could know what's going on. sometimes i wish i could stop falling for the wrong guy and getting my heart hurt. sometimes i wish i knew where God has me to be in life.
but then again, that'd take all the fun out of living, wouldn't it?
i just posted so much about what we *did* in louisville and i didn't post anything about what i actually learned...shame shame.
i learned about compassion. i learned that it's not about me. i learned that there is no such thing as best friends forever. i learned that not everything will turn out the way that you expect it to. that on the surface, things are a lot different than they are on the inside. that i suck at frisbee. that the best of friends can be found in the most unusual places. that i'm not scared to be in the ghetto. that you have to rely on your faith. you have to depend on God and no one else. that people will make fun of you for having an "inferiority complex". but then again, i learned that there are those that will sit on the floor with you but when you ask them to leave (because they're making you nervous) they'll go do something else until you need them again. that i'm ridiculously addicted to the internet. that relient k songs relate to everything. that occasionally everyone feels incompetent, that it's not all in my head. that people are really different in places other than home, but friendship prevails in the end. that when ya gotta go, ya gotta go (lol). that your hands will still smell like bleach even after washing your hands AND taking a shower if you've cleaned with it all day. that when you don't spend a lot of time with people, you tend to build them up in your mind until all their imperfections are gone and they are exactly how you want them to be. that things change over time. that everything you think you knew, you had no idea about. that i actually complain a LOT, although i dont really mean to. that you can love so much it hurts. that it always rains whenever we take a trip. that God has a plan for your life.
the best thing about working with the youth was definitely the opportunity to build relationships with all the people in there. but i also loved to get the messages that josh brought each night. i found out that not all churches operate the same way we do. these kids were different. for one thing, the majority of them were unsaved. however, they were eager. eager to learn, eager to talk, eager to ask questions, eager to read...it was a lot different. but the insight i gained was priceless.
one night we talked about death...and what we'd have put on our tombstones when we went...how we wanted to be remembered. i heard lots of answers. i had no idea whatsoever. but i've been thinking (as morbid as it sounds). if i die young, i would want life after death and taxes to be my song that everyone plays, because it has such a good chorus: "and this is how i choose to live, as if i'm jumping off a cliff, knowing that you'll save me, knowing that you'll save me. and after all the stupid things i did, there's nothing left there to forgive, because you already forgave me, you already forgave me. never forget, there's life after death and taxes. forgiveness comes, all other acts, is what passes away." etc. whatever. but now i think i know how i want to be remembered. maybe. i want to touch somebody's life. even if it's just a hello or a smile, or if it was something big, i want to touch somebody's life. they may forget about it, but maybe one day they'll think about it and it will make them smile again. and i'll always be remembered in heaven, because Jesus said whatever we do unto another we do unto Him.
it's always hard to feel like you're not good enough. but on this trip, sometimes i just felt like i was in the way. especially when i was doing my lesson. some might think i'm making too big a deal out of a five minute devotional type thing, but then again, that person doesn't know that i'm absolutely terrified of getting in front of a group of people. i'm scared of failure. i'm convinced that someone else can do a much better job than i could ever do. (this is where my inferiority complex comes into play, imaginary or not). i understand that it was just help, general guidelines, and hello, i asked for it. but i felt like we could look right at me and sing "mirror mirror on the wall, who's the stupidest of them all?" i was just not top notch that night. but..never mind. not going there.
i know it's all about stepping outside of comfort zones. but the thing about comfort zones are...they're so comfortable!
i feel like this post may be contradicting the good times i depicted in my last entry. however, let me fix that misconception: i had a great time in kentucky. it was an eye-opening experience. all the things i mentioned were good things, i promise. (well except the whole feeling useless thing but whatever). i feel like i found a friend that understands me on a deeper level; however superficial that may sound. and who knows, it might be all in my head.
i wish that i could know what it is that God has for me, what my life holds for the future. sometimes i just wish i could know what's going on. sometimes i wish i could stop falling for the wrong guy and getting my heart hurt. sometimes i wish i knew where God has me to be in life.
but then again, that'd take all the fun out of living, wouldn't it?
Sunday, June 25, 2006
mission: louisville.
i've found the rivaling match to the messy games sundae slip'n'slide! and it's the muddy regular slip'n'slide down the hill by the basketball court at vine street baptist in louisville kentucky! it was so much fun purposely throwing myself down a hill into a mud puddle repeatedly. i don't think i've ever been so dirty in my life...we did this game with flour so i was covered in flour and mud...my clothes aren't the same color anymore...ahh it was great.
so here's the rundown of mission:louisville;;
sunday - commissioned as missionaries in morning service at coaling, then we left and got on the bus to go to kentucky. we left at 11:30 AL time. we got to kentucky about, well, between 11 and 12 pm KY time. (thats an hour ahead of AL time.) that's a loooong bus ride. see, what happened was that we got stuck in traffic on the interstate...some big wreck, loooong traffic jam. we made friends with every person we passed on the interstate because we were going so slow, and managed to drive all adults present crazy at the same time. lol. so we get to KY (and it's not even dark there till like 930 no kidding!) and then we get "orientation" from josh, then we go to the Legacy Center on seminary's campus and go to our rooms, unpack, go to bed. and the LC, trav hooked us up! it was nice! two big rooms, plus a big bathroom. one bed, one fold out couch (two people apiece) and a closet, a desk and armchair in each room, tv in each room (and great music channel to listen to in the morning while getting ready) yes sir. it was dope.
monday - was at VSBC at nine am KY time (until otherwise noted, all times are KY times) after a 2:30 am bedtime, and we started out by having a prayer walk around the neighborbood. we were in the ghetto. we ate a late b'fast, cleaned up (wiping down toys, cleaning out janitor closets, mopping downstairs, wiping down playground equiptment..lots of bleach and water). then we ate lunch, cleaned a little more, moved tables and chairs, had VBS. it was so not what i expected. it was better :).
tuesday - we washed, vaccumed, and windexed the VSBC van, painted some bookcases and cubby holes white with primer, and the boys worked all day cutting down some vines and trees and bushes along the gate of the church. hot work. out in the sun all day. then VBS.
wednesday - we finished painting the furniture, and the boys finished the fence. pretty much took up all day, then VBS.
thursday - was our free day. we started out by going to indiana and going into the bass pro shop (only we would go into a bass pro shop for our free time in indiana) but it was sooo much more fun than i thought it would be. it was so neat, it had a little river thing running through it with fish in it, and a big aquarium (like one an actual aquarium would have) with huge fish it in, and a game place where you could walk around and play some shooting game thing. it was fun. then we drove back to kentucky (and over the ohio river) and went to eat at ollie's trolley, and it was not cardboard tasting, it was good! haha. we walked to the end of the block to sit in the park and eat. thennn we went to the louisville slugger museum which was a LOT more dro than i thought it would be. we got free bats as a souvineer and got to play in the batting cages. fun fun. then we went shopping and went into the coolest music store in the world --- ear x-tacy. (look for the bumper sticker on my car next time okay) and i got a "keep louisville weird" shirt. then we went to the smoothie king and i had my first ever smoothie. then we went out to eat at wick's, a pizza place in downtown louisville, and i took the best picture ever haha (on myspace!) and we went back to VSBC for VBS, then josh came over after VBS, and we played cards for a while (spoons, beware!) and he stayed till two am to help me with my lesson (yes i procrastinated okay).
friday - we were supposed to go wash windows around the neighborhood but no one was home or else they were asleep, so we just cleaned up a little park instead and went back to the church and hung out with the youth up there. after lunch we went to the field down vine street some and played football and ultimate frisbee all afternoon. then VBS - Hannah's mini surprise party and my lesson! (it was short. really short. but sweet). and then we got to play in the slip'n'slide!! i've got scrapes and scratches but it was 2much fun.
saturday - got up, packed, left by 830, got home about 530 (AL time). we stopped along the way to go to mammath cave, pretty cool (cool as in coooold). then we drove a lot...it rained from tennessee to the petro..and i got a little sleep.
*****
so. all in all. this was like the best trip ever. i'm sure i've said that about some other trip too but i honestly enjoyed this one. don't get me wrong, there were imperfections: we got on each other's nerves, we occasionally felt unwelcome and underappreciated, we had a few arguments and a few problems between the youth groups (aka stealing). but if there's one thing i learned this week, it's that "it's not about me".
and my lesson i was so worried about? i was so scared to do it in a room full of strangers..but i didn't think of one important thing: by friday, every face in that room was a friend, not a stranger at all.
one week of my life. 24/7 dedication to Christ. 9 fellow youth workers. at least 20 new friends. one old familiar face. lots of new faces not easily forgotten. one week i'd never trade for anything.
so here's the rundown of mission:louisville;;
sunday - commissioned as missionaries in morning service at coaling, then we left and got on the bus to go to kentucky. we left at 11:30 AL time. we got to kentucky about, well, between 11 and 12 pm KY time. (thats an hour ahead of AL time.) that's a loooong bus ride. see, what happened was that we got stuck in traffic on the interstate...some big wreck, loooong traffic jam. we made friends with every person we passed on the interstate because we were going so slow, and managed to drive all adults present crazy at the same time. lol. so we get to KY (and it's not even dark there till like 930 no kidding!) and then we get "orientation" from josh, then we go to the Legacy Center on seminary's campus and go to our rooms, unpack, go to bed. and the LC, trav hooked us up! it was nice! two big rooms, plus a big bathroom. one bed, one fold out couch (two people apiece) and a closet, a desk and armchair in each room, tv in each room (and great music channel to listen to in the morning while getting ready) yes sir. it was dope.
monday - was at VSBC at nine am KY time (until otherwise noted, all times are KY times) after a 2:30 am bedtime, and we started out by having a prayer walk around the neighborbood. we were in the ghetto. we ate a late b'fast, cleaned up (wiping down toys, cleaning out janitor closets, mopping downstairs, wiping down playground equiptment..lots of bleach and water). then we ate lunch, cleaned a little more, moved tables and chairs, had VBS. it was so not what i expected. it was better :).
tuesday - we washed, vaccumed, and windexed the VSBC van, painted some bookcases and cubby holes white with primer, and the boys worked all day cutting down some vines and trees and bushes along the gate of the church. hot work. out in the sun all day. then VBS.
wednesday - we finished painting the furniture, and the boys finished the fence. pretty much took up all day, then VBS.
thursday - was our free day. we started out by going to indiana and going into the bass pro shop (only we would go into a bass pro shop for our free time in indiana) but it was sooo much more fun than i thought it would be. it was so neat, it had a little river thing running through it with fish in it, and a big aquarium (like one an actual aquarium would have) with huge fish it in, and a game place where you could walk around and play some shooting game thing. it was fun. then we drove back to kentucky (and over the ohio river) and went to eat at ollie's trolley, and it was not cardboard tasting, it was good! haha. we walked to the end of the block to sit in the park and eat. thennn we went to the louisville slugger museum which was a LOT more dro than i thought it would be. we got free bats as a souvineer and got to play in the batting cages. fun fun. then we went shopping and went into the coolest music store in the world --- ear x-tacy. (look for the bumper sticker on my car next time okay) and i got a "keep louisville weird" shirt. then we went to the smoothie king and i had my first ever smoothie. then we went out to eat at wick's, a pizza place in downtown louisville, and i took the best picture ever haha (on myspace!) and we went back to VSBC for VBS, then josh came over after VBS, and we played cards for a while (spoons, beware!) and he stayed till two am to help me with my lesson (yes i procrastinated okay).
friday - we were supposed to go wash windows around the neighborhood but no one was home or else they were asleep, so we just cleaned up a little park instead and went back to the church and hung out with the youth up there. after lunch we went to the field down vine street some and played football and ultimate frisbee all afternoon. then VBS - Hannah's mini surprise party and my lesson! (it was short. really short. but sweet). and then we got to play in the slip'n'slide!! i've got scrapes and scratches but it was 2much fun.
saturday - got up, packed, left by 830, got home about 530 (AL time). we stopped along the way to go to mammath cave, pretty cool (cool as in coooold). then we drove a lot...it rained from tennessee to the petro..and i got a little sleep.
*****
so. all in all. this was like the best trip ever. i'm sure i've said that about some other trip too but i honestly enjoyed this one. don't get me wrong, there were imperfections: we got on each other's nerves, we occasionally felt unwelcome and underappreciated, we had a few arguments and a few problems between the youth groups (aka stealing). but if there's one thing i learned this week, it's that "it's not about me".
and my lesson i was so worried about? i was so scared to do it in a room full of strangers..but i didn't think of one important thing: by friday, every face in that room was a friend, not a stranger at all.
one week of my life. 24/7 dedication to Christ. 9 fellow youth workers. at least 20 new friends. one old familiar face. lots of new faces not easily forgotten. one week i'd never trade for anything.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
anticipation.
okay, so tomorrow is mission:louisville. somehow i still feel like, at least where i'm concerned, that it may turn out to be mission:impossible.
this is the first trip in the past year that i haven't had second thoughts about. every other trip i tell myself i'm not going, and then last minute i decide that i am, or else i know i'm going but decide a few days before that i don't want to go anymore. but even with the prospect of entering into this mission trip unprepared except in prayer, i'm still itching to go. there's not been one time that i said i wasnt going on this trip. and here it is, just a few hours shy of departure time and i'm still ready to board that bus for six long hours of travel.
and man, i love to travel. but six hours in a bus just seems like a whole lot. seems like a lot. it will probably go by really fast. i wish we were flying (um, not counting the expense factor, of course). i looove to fly. airports make me feel sophisticated. :)
this is the first trip in the past year that i haven't had second thoughts about. every other trip i tell myself i'm not going, and then last minute i decide that i am, or else i know i'm going but decide a few days before that i don't want to go anymore. but even with the prospect of entering into this mission trip unprepared except in prayer, i'm still itching to go. there's not been one time that i said i wasnt going on this trip. and here it is, just a few hours shy of departure time and i'm still ready to board that bus for six long hours of travel.
and man, i love to travel. but six hours in a bus just seems like a whole lot. seems like a lot. it will probably go by really fast. i wish we were flying (um, not counting the expense factor, of course). i looove to fly. airports make me feel sophisticated. :)
Friday, June 16, 2006
never.
i throw up my hands
"oh, the impossibilities"
frustrated and tired
where do i go from here?
now i'm searching for the confidence i've lost so willingly
overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fear
never underestimate my Jesus.
you're telling me that there's no hope.
i'm telling you you're wrong.
never underestimate my Jesus
when the world around you crumbles
He will be strong, He will be strong
i think i can't, i think i can't
but i think You can, i think You can
i think i can't, i think i can't
but i think You can, i think You can
gather my insufficiencies and
place them in Your hands,
place them in Your hands,
place them in Your hands...
"oh, the impossibilities"
frustrated and tired
where do i go from here?
now i'm searching for the confidence i've lost so willingly
overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fear
never underestimate my Jesus.
you're telling me that there's no hope.
i'm telling you you're wrong.
never underestimate my Jesus
when the world around you crumbles
He will be strong, He will be strong
i think i can't, i think i can't
but i think You can, i think You can
i think i can't, i think i can't
but i think You can, i think You can
gather my insufficiencies and
place them in Your hands,
place them in Your hands,
place them in Your hands...
Thursday, June 15, 2006
hope.
these are the kinda days that a "leap of faith" seems impossible. that where i'm usually confident, i'm so totally faith-less. deep inside me i tell myself that i'll never be able to make it on my own, that i'll never be able to leave.
next week i'm going to be teaching a group of youth (supposedly) in a church that i've never attended. the only person i know in the whole state of kentucky is josh. (not counting the cute boy i met on the airplane from chicago, i didn't even find out his name..just that he lives in ky and works there, and that he'd been to chicago to visit friends..anyway that doesnt have anything to do with this.) okay, so im doing this lesson or whatever, and scared to death. okay, so everyone knows i can't deal with public speaking. and now im doing a lesson in front of a group of strangers?
i'm not going to make it.
otherwise, kentucky is in t minus 4 days. and it seems great :)
another thing i realized tonight is that friends -- real friends -- are priceless. they are the best things in the world to have. and i've just lost sight of that lately. my brother always tells me that i have a lot of friends. i would disagree. i know a lot of people. there is a difference. it just seems like i can't hold onto a particular person. in a world filled with people, and no one likes me enough to like me "best"? it's just that sometimes i feel a little lonely.
and when there's not a best in the picture for a while, you start to notice who else is hanging around the edges. like tonight at church, the people that came to fill the chairs at the table i was sitting at. you can just tell by who sits by who and whos talking and laughing and sharing jokes..
then there's those that really mess you up. the ones you think will be more than friends. they get number one treatment, and they make you lose your head about who is REALLY important. because in the end, they are the ones that disappear. i've always heard, jokingly, that the worst words in the english language are "we need to talk." i disagree. i believe that the worst words in the english language are, "i never meant to hurt you." because after they've said it, it means that they already HAVE hurt you. and you know what? in the end, it hurts just the same. then you're left to pick up the pieces and move on.
and does it seem for anyone else that you can only get who you dont want?
or does that only work out that way for me?
and it seems impossible. even to me. but i'm still holding out hope. :(
next week i'm going to be teaching a group of youth (supposedly) in a church that i've never attended. the only person i know in the whole state of kentucky is josh. (not counting the cute boy i met on the airplane from chicago, i didn't even find out his name..just that he lives in ky and works there, and that he'd been to chicago to visit friends..anyway that doesnt have anything to do with this.) okay, so im doing this lesson or whatever, and scared to death. okay, so everyone knows i can't deal with public speaking. and now im doing a lesson in front of a group of strangers?
i'm not going to make it.
otherwise, kentucky is in t minus 4 days. and it seems great :)
another thing i realized tonight is that friends -- real friends -- are priceless. they are the best things in the world to have. and i've just lost sight of that lately. my brother always tells me that i have a lot of friends. i would disagree. i know a lot of people. there is a difference. it just seems like i can't hold onto a particular person. in a world filled with people, and no one likes me enough to like me "best"? it's just that sometimes i feel a little lonely.
and when there's not a best in the picture for a while, you start to notice who else is hanging around the edges. like tonight at church, the people that came to fill the chairs at the table i was sitting at. you can just tell by who sits by who and whos talking and laughing and sharing jokes..
then there's those that really mess you up. the ones you think will be more than friends. they get number one treatment, and they make you lose your head about who is REALLY important. because in the end, they are the ones that disappear. i've always heard, jokingly, that the worst words in the english language are "we need to talk." i disagree. i believe that the worst words in the english language are, "i never meant to hurt you." because after they've said it, it means that they already HAVE hurt you. and you know what? in the end, it hurts just the same. then you're left to pick up the pieces and move on.
and does it seem for anyone else that you can only get who you dont want?
or does that only work out that way for me?
and it seems impossible. even to me. but i'm still holding out hope. :(
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