Thursday, January 15, 2009

i needed a reason to believe.

i have no idea where i'm going. i feel like i have no control over the events of my life. i decided i wasn't going to care anymore. i decided i was going to be in control. and as soon as i did, it completely hit me in the face: i have no freaking idea where my life is headed. i'm incapable of not caring. i care way more than you'll ever know. and it's like i am walking around with my eyes closed.

i had this grand plan, you know...i was going to get married (i'd already planned my wedding, complete with the entire wedding party), planned my job, planned my house. my entire life, set in stone before it had really even began. the big picture.

i can't find the big picture anymore.

and the concept scares me.

but at the same time, i'm not alone. God is telling me things i really need to know. He put my friends in my life...each one of them gives me a different viewpoint, a different opinion, a different piece; and each view on it gives me reassurance of the way i feel. it's a different way to look at things, but i like it that way.

i have to have faith. trust. the word i realized i'm scared to say.

i can't see the big picture anymore, but the smaller pieces are becoming quite clear.

and i think i can work it out if it turns out differently than i'm expecting it to.

i asked for a reason to believe, and you gave it to me.

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