the lost sheep.

tonight at church, we talked about things pulling you in different directions, how everyone is screaming out your name, but you have to keep your eyes on the ball and stay focused to God. What a challenge. it's so hard not to become distracted by the things in this world, it's a struggle everyday, i know, even if it's just little things we battle every day.

i feel like i'm back on the television at school..."with something to think about, make it a great day or not, the choice is yours...and now to your moment of reflection."

oh yeah, reminding me of the morning announcements, my "words of wisdom" this morning had to do with brotherhood, unity. how every person in the world can stand outside and look at the moon, and it's the same moon here as it is anywhere else in the world. and when you look at the moon, you know that six billion other human beings can gaze at the same moon as you do, no matter their age, sex, religion, or ethnicity. therefore, we are all united together.

good things to think about.

the impossible question.

"there are two tragedies in life, one is not to get your heart's desire, the other is to get it."

well. that pretty much sums it up right there.

i think i might be pushing the subject way too much. i think i might be pushing it away. if it's even there. but you could tell me if i were doing that..i know you're busy with work and school. i just wish we could talk about it some more. i feel like i don't know anything at all. at least so i could know something. but could you just tell me..is it just me? or is it there for you, too...just with the complications?

because i swear i can stop it.

and then there was none.

the feeling she used to love became the feeling she hated.

now it's a feeling she loves to hate.



and then there was none.

floating.

today after church we had to get our christmas tree and decorations out of the garage and carry them up the hill to our house. among other things, i had to carry a cross that my mom made out of two boards and covered in white lights. i then thought about how strong Jesus must have been to have to carry his cross all that long way. i had mine up on my shoulders, and i know that women's and men's shoulders are different, but let me tell you, there is no comfortable place to put that thing. and it's awkward to carry. just think about Jesus', his was bigger and heavier than the one i was holding. makes you appreciate things more when you get a taste of them, even a tiny taste of it.

something i was thinking about during church today, looking around at people during the instrumental meditation or whatever it's called, i realize i really don't fit in at church. i'm kind of a floater. i look over to my left and i see some of the people in the high school with me, but no girls, just boys. i look over to my right and i see the college age people. (i'm too young to really hang out with them seeing as how i'm still in high school. sometimes i think college will be so much better than high school is). then i look up to the front and i see the kids still in middle school. (and they aren't as old as i am so its not the same somehow..maybe thats how the college people feel about me..)

i try to hang out with everyone, but there just isn't a place for me. i am my own place. the only other person that would really qualify is robin, who isn't even at church half the time anymore. therefore, i am my own place.

i guess i'll settle for what i can get.

again.

i cant seem to stop today. there is an outpouring of words coming out no matter what it is that i am writing today. my brain is rushing in a million directions. even earlier in the car when i was writing i filled up so much paper. most of it's just wonder-babble, but it all ended up having some point at least.

i was trying to explain myself to myself just now, and i couldn't find the words. it's bad when you don't know yourself.

stop.

i really went about things the wrong way. in a half-crazy, sleep deprived state, i went wrong. i don't want to mess anything up.

i just want everything to be like it was before.

part two.

kyle came and ate with my family for thanksgiving yesterday and hung out for a few hours. it was so much fun...i thought, anyway. my friend mixed with my crazy, HUGE family and santa claus (haha), but it wasn't awkward..more like he belonged over there in the first place.