i've been alone a lot in the past week and a half, and i've had way too much time to think. and if you know me, or follow my blog (whenever i write, which is hardly ever these days) then you know that when i have time to think, a post shall follow.
since being in college, i have learned that i am not a good roommate. i am not good at sharing a small space with another person (i have yet to test out the theory of apartment roommates, though i think i shall fare better there). so i figured that when i got the RA job and had a private room, that everything would automatically be better. instead, all i got were more lessons to add to the book.
i've learned that student affairs is not my cup of tea. i do not like confrontation. i would rather just smooth things over or ignore small problems until they go away or fix themselves, just to keep the peace. i like to be friends with everyone. however, with my job, this is no longer possible. i've made some enemies (go figure) along the way, and those people seem to make it their mission to make my life as miserable as possible. which bums me out immensely.
i've also learned that i need a job with set hours. and honestly, i don't mind having the duty phone and being on call for 24 hours. because at least i know that i start duty at 5 pm and as soon as the clock hits 5 pm the next day, i'm done. it's the fact that i'm never really done that gets me. i may not be on duty, but i'm still responsible for my hallway. i may have the flu and be medicated and trying to sleep at 11:30 pm, but if people are in my lobby talking so loudly i can hear their conversation in my room, then i have to get out of bed and ask them to follow the quiet hour policy. i need a job where i can go to work, be at work, and when i get off work, i can go home and not worry about being on the job until the same time the following day.
another lesson to learn was about commitment - my level of commitment to my schoolwork, my job, my friends, and myself. i had to figure out a way to balance life so that no one felt left out, but that i didn't feel overwhelmed. i failed at that first semester. i'm a little better about it this semester. but i've realized that it is more than just the idea of committing to something...that i must actually have the motivation to do something about it. for example, though my broadcasting today verses when i started is like night to day, i am still not good at it. i am graduating in nine months, and i am still not good enough to excel at a job. though i know that i need to go practice multiple times a week in our studio, i have yet to make it up there more than once a week.
and then there are the things i've committed to that i regret. i got a job this summer as a summer RA in my building. now, there are both pros and cons to this. and while the pros definitely outweighed the cons when i applied for the job, and probably still do, i regret the chance to spend my last real summer at my house being a bum. i didn't realize how homesick i was for my house and my family and just generally being in the comfort of a house until i went home for spring break. there are the little things that no one thinks of - having a regular sized refrigerator, not wearing flip flops in the shower, not having to eat in the same room that you sleep in, not looking for a parking spot, and having more than one room to hang out in - that you don't realize that you miss so much when you're on a campus all the time.
maybe it's because part of me fears that i won't have as carefree of a summer when i'm confined to a job that requires me to be around a building so much. maybe i feel like summer should consist of road trips with the windows down and good music and lots of sunshine with people you love, and i think that i won't get that experience being on a campus. i feel like i will get stuck in a monotonous rut and wish my last summer away.
part of me also regrets applying to storm chase again. i knew that i would get my hopes up, no matter what i told myself about applying. because i want it so badly, i know that i will be crushed when the final verdict comes out. the odds of me getting chosen, especially since i've already been passed up in a previous year, are very slim. even knowing this, i still applied and i still got my hopes up. and while i know that i have other options (seeing kenny chesney in concert in tuscaloosa and saving money!) it will still be a giant letdown when the email comes out. it's been so long since applications were due, that now i expect the worst.
i will end with this, since this post is long enough to make up for not posting anything but pictures since new years. the last regret i will mention is not graduating with my class this spring. though it was the best decision for me, i feel like if i would have gotten my act together early in the college ball game, i could have tested out of certain classes and gotten more classes in a smaller amount of time. also, being assigned a new advisor in my last year of college didn't help either. i don't begrudge justyn for leaving me, because he got his dream job, but it did leave me in a situation where i had to end up taking a couple of extra classes. therefore, with all the extra stuff i took that i didn't have to, there was almost no way for me to graduate this april. especially with the awful semester i had last fall, with all those hours and no time for anything else. but i'm going to miss my classmates. we suffered through physical together and did all our dynamics homework together, and they'll go off and leave me while i will still be here, the lonely meteorologist.
i'm burning out on school. it's been a long seventeen years so far (kindergarten through four years of college, that's seventeen, right?). and while i might not continue this when i'm in a better mood, i've decided that for now, it's okay to begin the countdown to graduation and the start of the next part of my life. only 263 days to go.
