hope.

these are the kinda days that a "leap of faith" seems impossible. that where i'm usually confident, i'm so totally faith-less. deep inside me i tell myself that i'll never be able to make it on my own, that i'll never be able to leave.

next week i'm going to be teaching a group of youth (supposedly) in a church that i've never attended. the only person i know in the whole state of kentucky is josh. (not counting the cute boy i met on the airplane from chicago, i didn't even find out his name..just that he lives in ky and works there, and that he'd been to chicago to visit friends..anyway that doesnt have anything to do with this.) okay, so im doing this lesson or whatever, and scared to death. okay, so everyone knows i can't deal with public speaking. and now im doing a lesson in front of a group of strangers?

i'm not going to make it.

otherwise, kentucky is in t minus 4 days. and it seems great :)

another thing i realized tonight is that friends -- real friends -- are priceless. they are the best things in the world to have. and i've just lost sight of that lately. my brother always tells me that i have a lot of friends. i would disagree. i know a lot of people. there is a difference. it just seems like i can't hold onto a particular person. in a world filled with people, and no one likes me enough to like me "best"? it's just that sometimes i feel a little lonely.

and when there's not a best in the picture for a while, you start to notice who else is hanging around the edges. like tonight at church, the people that came to fill the chairs at the table i was sitting at. you can just tell by who sits by who and whos talking and laughing and sharing jokes..

then there's those that really mess you up. the ones you think will be more than friends. they get number one treatment, and they make you lose your head about who is REALLY important. because in the end, they are the ones that disappear. i've always heard, jokingly, that the worst words in the english language are "we need to talk." i disagree. i believe that the worst words in the english language are, "i never meant to hurt you." because after they've said it, it means that they already HAVE hurt you. and you know what? in the end, it hurts just the same. then you're left to pick up the pieces and move on.

and does it seem for anyone else that you can only get who you dont want?
or does that only work out that way for me?

and it seems impossible. even to me. but i'm still holding out hope. :(