the lost sheep.

tonight at church, we talked about things pulling you in different directions, how everyone is screaming out your name, but you have to keep your eyes on the ball and stay focused to God. What a challenge. it's so hard not to become distracted by the things in this world, it's a struggle everyday, i know, even if it's just little things we battle every day.

i feel like i'm back on the television at school..."with something to think about, make it a great day or not, the choice is yours...and now to your moment of reflection."

oh yeah, reminding me of the morning announcements, my "words of wisdom" this morning had to do with brotherhood, unity. how every person in the world can stand outside and look at the moon, and it's the same moon here as it is anywhere else in the world. and when you look at the moon, you know that six billion other human beings can gaze at the same moon as you do, no matter their age, sex, religion, or ethnicity. therefore, we are all united together.

good things to think about.

the impossible question.

"there are two tragedies in life, one is not to get your heart's desire, the other is to get it."

well. that pretty much sums it up right there.

i think i might be pushing the subject way too much. i think i might be pushing it away. if it's even there. but you could tell me if i were doing that..i know you're busy with work and school. i just wish we could talk about it some more. i feel like i don't know anything at all. at least so i could know something. but could you just tell me..is it just me? or is it there for you, too...just with the complications?

because i swear i can stop it.

and then there was none.

the feeling she used to love became the feeling she hated.

now it's a feeling she loves to hate.



and then there was none.

floating.

today after church we had to get our christmas tree and decorations out of the garage and carry them up the hill to our house. among other things, i had to carry a cross that my mom made out of two boards and covered in white lights. i then thought about how strong Jesus must have been to have to carry his cross all that long way. i had mine up on my shoulders, and i know that women's and men's shoulders are different, but let me tell you, there is no comfortable place to put that thing. and it's awkward to carry. just think about Jesus', his was bigger and heavier than the one i was holding. makes you appreciate things more when you get a taste of them, even a tiny taste of it.

something i was thinking about during church today, looking around at people during the instrumental meditation or whatever it's called, i realize i really don't fit in at church. i'm kind of a floater. i look over to my left and i see some of the people in the high school with me, but no girls, just boys. i look over to my right and i see the college age people. (i'm too young to really hang out with them seeing as how i'm still in high school. sometimes i think college will be so much better than high school is). then i look up to the front and i see the kids still in middle school. (and they aren't as old as i am so its not the same somehow..maybe thats how the college people feel about me..)

i try to hang out with everyone, but there just isn't a place for me. i am my own place. the only other person that would really qualify is robin, who isn't even at church half the time anymore. therefore, i am my own place.

i guess i'll settle for what i can get.

again.

i cant seem to stop today. there is an outpouring of words coming out no matter what it is that i am writing today. my brain is rushing in a million directions. even earlier in the car when i was writing i filled up so much paper. most of it's just wonder-babble, but it all ended up having some point at least.

i was trying to explain myself to myself just now, and i couldn't find the words. it's bad when you don't know yourself.

stop.

i really went about things the wrong way. in a half-crazy, sleep deprived state, i went wrong. i don't want to mess anything up.

i just want everything to be like it was before.

part two.

kyle came and ate with my family for thanksgiving yesterday and hung out for a few hours. it was so much fun...i thought, anyway. my friend mixed with my crazy, HUGE family and santa claus (haha), but it wasn't awkward..more like he belonged over there in the first place.

realizations.

i always end up laughing at myself. i guess that's a good thing to do. sometimes its not funny but i laugh anyway. sometimes i laugh to cover up embarrassment. sometimes i laugh to hide that i don't get it. but i laugh.

i'm such a jealous person. when did i become so self-centered? why does it always have to go my way? why can't i just be happy when something works out for someone else for once even if it doesn't help me? this wasn't the way this was supposed to go.

thanksgiving.

well, all the talking about thanksgiving and getting everything ready for it...and the supper tonight that i am probably going to now, so that i don't have to cook..but i always feel weird..but whatever i dont really care all that much i dont guess.

anyway, all the talking about thanksgiving has got me all excited :)!!! i love thanksgiving and christmas at mimis house when everyone gets there and we're just all running around crazy and every where you look there's a person. it's not really all that crowded, it just seems that way...ever since i was a little girl. alll that good food and homemade cookies with sugar sprinkles and leftovers [cold turkey with ketchup! yes, my favorite thing about thanksgiving food!!] then there is spending the night over there and talking half the night with my cousins i haven't seen since summer or the christmas before or even a few weeks ago, depending on the distance away they live. then getting up at like four to go shopping!! yess! then you can taste christmas in the air, and it all starts over again!!

i'm so glad it's only four days away :)

oh God, he's gotta be out there somewhere...

it's weird how being sick puts things in perspective for me. it just makes me think, sitting around here with nothing to do all day. actually, i hate being sick, and such, but when you are there is nothing you can do about it. i should have just gone and then checked out today. but im glad i didnt go.

i've been doing a lot of thinking today while i was endlessly enduring reruns of making the band 3 on mtv. (laguna beach wasn't on very much today). i'm always the third wheel. why does that always seem to be? i've been noticing it a lot more lately. especially in the field concerning love.

and yes, this is slightly confidential and completely of opinion.

i've been caught in the middle of my best friend's relationship for the past six or seven months. that in itself is not very fun at all. it's because i think she had a very possessive and jealous boyfriend who never liked me very much.

again, completely of opinion.

i read an entry earlier from a friend's lj, and i started to think again. he was talking about not being interesting in someone at the moment and pulling away from some people..on purpose.

i've done exactly that.

i'm not interested in anyone at the moment either. and it's not that i don't want to be. because there is nothing else right now that i want more than to be in a relationship. i feel like i'm missing out on something. it's just that...there's really no one out there for me, it seems.

i've had those..um, i'm not sure what to call it. i've had something. three times. and i don't really care if they count it or not, because i do anyway. the first time...it was so long ago..and it was, ya know, the first time i ever really liked someone quite like that. i didn't think that i would ever have that feeling again. but, alas, i did.

two more times.

the second time it wasn't so involved. okay that didn't make sense. the first time, i was friends with the person, we hung out a ton, it was just like that. this time, it was with my friend's brother, and i didn't really know him at all. actually, through the whole thing, i really didn't know him. not until after i was not liking him so much anymore. but that time took a while to get to. i was always thinking about him, it seemed.

next, i went through two crushes, nothing really, just so that i had someone to like while my friends did, you know it. one was while i was in new york. i think that was just the trip magic catching up with me. the other was just something else i went through.

i didn't think that i would ever find someone i really wanted to keep getting to know, to spend my time with, to really like.

but then, it happened. i found a guy that i really liked. that i really thought i made a connection with, one that liked me back in the same way. the first two days i knew him, i didn't even really notice him. so it wasn't anything like love at first sight. it wasn't even attraction at first sight. actually, i don't know when it happened. we spent a week together away from everyone in a city a few states away. and everyone else could see it too. but after we got home, it just wasn't the same. and i really really liked this boy. he just wasn't feeling it the same way at all. he really hurt my feelings. more so than the other two, i think.

and i know that wasn't even recent. that was this summer. and i know that everyone really, just really wanted to know the history of my relationships. but bear with me, if anyone is actually reading this. eventually i'm sure i have a point to all of my ramble.

i've read the book "saving my first kiss...why i'm keeping confetti in my closet". and a lot of the things that she says in that book completely agree with me. but then, when she starts talking about not focusing on it, to ignore it and go on with life, i just don't see how it is possible.

all around me, all of my friends are paired off. i heard a girl in my 4th block class the other day talking about her 20 year old boyfriend. 20. and the girl is how old? FOURTEEN. fourteen. that makes me sick. an age difference isn't bad. when you're older. but 14 to 20? that's six years. and six years matter a wholeee lot when you're only fourteen years old. i'm seventeen...if i dated someone six years older than me, i'd be dating someone 23. it doesn't seem like that much of a gap. but fourteen??

i guess it's all come to the surface because the football banquet is monday night. i've never ever been to the football banquet with a date. robin is going. again. but not with her ex-boyfriend that asked her. ohh no. she's going with HIS FRIEND. dannggg. but i didn't get asked. and i didn't get asked last year.

this was supposed to be THE year. my junior year. we had such plans for it, that we were going to have dates to all the big events and dances and such. then robin goes and gets a boyfriend. and i was happy for her, i really was. don't get me wrong. but then, at times i was so jealous of her i could scream. and still do sometimes. so then, d is alone.

story of my life.

alone at the homecoming dance. alone on friday nights. alone at the football games. alone when the football banquet happens. alone alone alone.

sometimes it doesn't bother me much. sometimes, like now, it hits me like a brick.

all i can do is sit and wonder...why? why must i wait, oh God? i know he is out there somewhere. i just wish he would come my way.

i never thought it would be true.

is this the year we fall apart?
is this the year where it all ends?
ever since march it's been different.
i feel like i'm losing a part of myself...
along with all of you.

i threw myself at other things
but it all comes back to us.
we were supposed to be forever
not ever keeping it a secret from each other.

but one big event
and then a few little ones
have torn us waaay apart.
sorry i was a little mad...
you called me un-social..
WHATEVEr...
i sat by both of yall all night.

then you went to the movies
with out me
and just the other day you said
you didn't even WANT to see that movie.
but then she comes along
and i admit, she's not here much.
literally.
but i was supposed to be first.
or so i thought.

that's okay,
yes i'm a little mad.
so what i lied to you.
its not like you're ever gonna find out
you won't ever read this.
be with her.

when she goes home,
you'll figure it out
when he breaks your heart again
dont cry to me.

i told you how i felt once.
it didnt change over the past 6 months.
so that's your mistake.
i made one this summer too.
except everyone expected me to .g.e.t. .o.v.e.r. .i.t.
but its okay for you to mope around

::just blowing off steammmmmmmm
::because i hate this sooo muchhhh
::let me go back to the way it used to beeeeee

calling.

i never remember what it is about you until that moment i see you again