my new dating policy.

in 140 characters or less.

things that lead me to believe that john mayer is brilliant:

Life is about making running changes. You can't stop to fix things. You have to mend the sail while you're still at sea.

Remember, there's nothing the heart feels that can't be expressed with some elbow macaroni and a little time.

I'm the George W. Bush of love: I may not have anything to show for myself now, but history will prove me a hero.

There's always a moment on a trip when you decide you want to go home. Fight it. Because beyond that moment lies the best parts.

Hope isn't something you create, it's something you let inside.

The perfect weekend rewards your efforts for the week before and prepares you for the week ahead.

My six word story: "This heart didn't come with instructions."

I know Fridays come as often as once every seven days, but they always feel like they're one in a hundred.

I will always care about things I shouldn't, but that's a good way of making sure I don't miss caring about something important.

dear self:

now you know how it feels.
the end.

a break from studying.

googlegooglegooglegoogle.com is the coolest website in the world. i'm not sure how it is even remotely helpful, but being on four webpages at the same time in one tab is just blowing my mind. because currently, i am looking at this:



anyway, like i said, not really that helpful, just kind of cool.


also, sitting in church today (or standing, really, since we were singing at the time) and i got really really excited about the holidays. at least i won't be a grinch this year. i'm pumped. i am ready for real food. for family. for the ending of football. for friends. for a break of school. for not paying $1.25 to wash my clothes. to not study anymore. to go to my home church (although i really like going to church here in starkville). for music. for decorating. for pretty much everything.

but alas. back to studying i go.

what i learned today:

- i suck at calculus
- i, however, am good at procrastination
- i am gullible
- forgiveness is very hard. especially when most of me doesn't want to forgive at all.
- 99% of all my long-sleeve shirts are too long in the sleeves
- 75% of those long-sleeve shirts are either pink or green
- 'across the universe' soundtrack was a good buy
- it's the day after, and i still haven't gotten john mayer's new cd
- i suck at friendships
- also at schoolwork
- i like it when i can sing loudly in my room without weird stares
- i'm ready for thanksgiving
- i learned a lot more in wx analysis than i thought i did
- i'm going to have to study a lot to make good grades on my finals
- i'm going to a hockey game
- i adore my major
- my wx friends are hilarious, i'm so glad i met them
- i still don't like wx barbie. how can she say a lot of nothing and still sound intelligent?
- i commit to too many obligations
- i am fat
- i am going to not eat until thanksgiving
- cake is fantastic. this is why i'm fat
- i should start running. i hate running.
- God definitely tried to tell me something today
- spelling "definitely" correctly (there's not an A!)and differentiating between "you're" and "your", and spelling dessert correctly (you like dessert twice as much, it has two s's. thanks) is apparently beyond college student capability.

my life, graph form.

today.

sometimes i'm scared that i get so excited or so worried about events and days in the future that i miss the here and now.

please don't let me be that person.



"therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. each day has enough trouble of its own." matthew 6:34.

be joyful in hope.

i honestly have no words to describe how incredibly blessed i am. i had a moment tonight where i was overwhelmed with the joy of life. God has given me so much, and even though i complain a lot, i am truly thankful for everything.

there's nothing i have ever done that could even make me believe the tiniest bit that i deserve this happiness that i have. the amazing friends that i have. i get to do what i love, where i love to be, and with the people i love.

not that life is perfect. far from it. perfection is incapable in the world that we live. but even in the shadow and the tear i will praise my God for what He has given me.

being "joyful in hope" is a verse i hope i can strive to accomplish every day. i just don't have the language to express my adoration for the only One who deserves it, and the joy that is rooted in my soul for experiences that daily unfold for me.

i get a thousand hugs from 10000 lightning bugs.

this has been the best three consecutive days i've had in such a long time.
i don't know what i did, but God especially loves me this week.
i don't know if it is possible to smile bigger than i do each day.

birthday.

i'm so incredibly happy.

discoveries, revisited.

i spent a lot of time in solitude wondering if i were too hasty. i read a lot of poetry and tried to decide if i was too rash. then i bought a new cd, asked myself 'how many times can i push it aside?' and realized that 'it's not the end of the world, just you and me.'

i'm deleting myspace. it reminds me of the time in my life where i stayed up late on the computer waiting for you to get online just to tell me goodnight. a time of intensity, in both feelings and heartache.

but now that time has passed. being within sight of my 21st birthday, i have gathered clarity, new friends, new boys, new determination, and a new perspective on life. i'm turning over a new leaf. there once was a time where i felt like i needed you so much more than you needed me. now 'i'm over it. yeah, behind me now. i'm just over it.' you and i are so much better apart.

don't think i didn't enjoy it. i did. parts of it. most of it. but i'm moving on. 'cause if you close your eyes and listen close, you can hear the chapter close. and it's all rebound in better clothes. and you like the way this story goes.' but now the story ends. i'm cutting you out.

and then you, we could go on for days. but again, i'm moving on. i can't stay the same forever, and even if you can't see it, you have tons of others to invest more time in. stop worrying about me. life is carrying me away from there. i'll be okay on my own. i can make it just fine. i survived for a long time before you came around and i can survive again. no problem.

and then you. looking ahead, i know you'll be proud of me.

discoveries.

i'm happier now that you're gone.
so please stop talking to me.
thanks.

i would be a much better person...

if i listened to my own advice. then i wouldnt be so royally screwed up right now. thanks a lot, self. the end.

speaking of favorites...

october is coming. that's my favorite month. combining college football, my birthday, fall break, the beginning of fall, and halloween was the best decision ever. not that i had anything to do with it.

anyway, i need a halloween costume. someone is sure to throw a party, and i need ideas.

famous.

even if i never say a word to you, thank you for giving me my inspiration back.
this whole thing was worth it already.

the shack .

am i making this mistake with you, or against you?
i've been feeling rather uninspired lately.


"i suppose that since most of our hurts come through relationships so will our healing, and i know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside."
"life takes a bit of time and a lot of relationship."
the shack.

tom is the man.

forget and not slow down.

exhaustion from boston.

i just had two of the most draining weeks. but it was lovely, and amazing, and i'd never trade it for anything. sure, we had those emotional moments, we had our little fights and stupid arguments, but we turned out just fine. one of my favorite trips, by far.

and on another note, i slept so well last night...no air mattress...no cold air...lots of covers... and no one else in the room to wake up when i go to bed late every night :)

sometimes i have a lot to say to you.

i told you that you wouldn't like it.
pretend as though you may.
i know you better than you know me.
does that bother you at all?

why don't you try consistency?
it looks better on you than hypocrisy.

you don't need me anymore.

remember that when you find out
what i've been doing and where i've been.

don't be afraid to try.

i change my mind everyday.
i just never know.


never doubt me.
my words are always here for you to read.

i guess i buried us.

this may be a decision i live to regret.
but right now it seems like the only way.

sometimes it IS just the thought that counts.

my favorite kinds of blessings are not the ones that slap me in the face, but the ones that sneak up on me and overwhelm me with their goodness. this doesn't happen very often (probably more often than i realize) but i think that's why they are so special.

it happens when i'm outside one day and realize the wonder of the beauty of creation that surrounds me. it happens when i see an amazing sunset i have to get on camera when i drive down the road. and today, unexpectedly, it happened when all of my friends began to text me and tell me my family was in their prayers. i was hit with the powerful reminder of how blessed i am to call all of you 'friend' and how much it meant to me that you care.

isn't it awesome how such a small action can cause such a big reaction?

God is good.

which to bury, us or the hatchet?

i think you know what i’m getting at
i find it so upsetting that
the memories that you select
you keep the bad but the good you just forget

and even though i’m angry i can still say
i know my heart will break the day
when you peel out and drive away
i can’t believe this happened

and all this time i never thought
that all we had would be all for none

no, i don’t hate you
don’t want to fight you
know i’ll always love you
but right now i just don’t like you
no, i don’t hate you
don’t want to fight you
know i’ll always love you
but right now i just don’t like you
cause you took this too far (too far)

make your decision and don’t you dare think twice
go with your instincts along with some bad advice
this didn’t turn out the way i thought it would at all
you blame me but some of this is still your fault

i tried to move you, but you just wouldn’t budge
i tried to hold your hand but you’d rather hold your grudge
i think you know what i’m getting at
you said goodbye and i just don’t want you regretting that

no, i don’t hate you
don’t want to fight you
know i’ll always love you
but right now i just don’t like you
no, i don’t hate you
don’t want to fight you
know i’ll always love you
but right now i just don’t like you

and wisdom always chooses
these black eyes and these bruises
over the heartache that they say
never completely goes away
(i just can’t believe this happened and one day we’ll see this come around)
and wisdom always chooses
these black eyes and these bruises
over the heartache that they say
never completely goes away

no, i don’t hate you
don’t want to fight you
know i’ll always love you
but right now i just don’t like you
no, i don’t hate you
don’t want to fight you
know i’ll always love you
but right now i just don’t like you
cause you took this too far (too far)

what happened to us
i heard that it’s me we should blame
what happened to us
why didn’t you stop me from turnin out this way
and know that i don’t hate you
and know that i Don’t want to fight you
and know i’ll always love you
but right now i just don’t…

thank you for oklahoma.

leaving town in T-3 days. because that always works, right?

then when i get back i'll have to decide what to do with the rest of this so-called summer.

summer concert update.

shows i am going to OR willing to go to, including but not limited to:

coldplay. bjcc. may 18.
tonic. alabaster. june 6.
ben lee. birmingham. june 26.
green day. atlanta. aug 1. OR nashville. july 31.
blink-182. atlanta. sept 29.


shows i will NOT go to:
elvis costello
jonas brothers
taylor swift


i need interested parties. don't make me drive to atlanta alone.

i know you hate this one.

coming home for the summer is slowing bringing me back to earth. back to my senses. back to love.

therefore, i am in the process of trying to give up. you heard me. i'm trying. it has been this way for way too long. and i am trying not to let it be that way anymore.

however, don't confuse giving up with not caring. as john mayer once put it, "i will always care about things i shouldn't, but that's a good way of making sure i don't miss caring about something important."

i WILL always care. i will always love. if you forget everything else, don't forget that, okay?

hello, i've waited here for you.

summer couldn't have arrived more perfectly. three consective days with little sleep, lots of driving, good friends, and good music. all-american rejects were superb. first official concert of summer. kicking off a hopeful summer of good music. still to come: ohio avenue, tonic, and ben lee. awesome.

oh, and speaking of music, i realized today that i go through phases with the kind of music i listen to. i never realized it before. besides my few staples, i only listen to one kind of sound at a time. and right now, i'm leaving a mellow-y, acoustic-y sound (john mayer, jack johnson, better than ezra, dmb) in favor of a punky alternative sound (all-american rejects, green day, blink-182, jimmy eat world).


life is good.

we can drive it home with one headlight.

sometimes there are those days i have no words to fully explain what it is i need to say.

it's been so crazy lately. time is flying. three days and another semester is over. another year done. another chapter in my life finished.

i miss you. did you know that? we don't talk anymore. i'm waiting for the cycle to kick back in. it seems like it's taking longer this time. but strangely enough, i'm fine with that. there's this thing that i can't explain that makes me feel like it's all going to be okay.

you're going to be okay.
and so am i.
and maybe one day we'll be okay together.

i'm not too busy not to miss you.

let us be loud.

"This was just a little, but in the midst of being hurt that someone had done something whack to me, I realized something unexpected that I think is true:

An act of love is amplified exponentially when it is given in response to an act of hate.

Have you ever thought about that? Have you ever thought that the greatest time to send the loudest message of love is when someone has given you a message of hate?

It's kind of counterintuitive, but it's true. When someone hates you, when someone hurts you, when someone gossips about you or steals from you, they open up this deep chasm between the two of you. They dig a canyon's worth of emotional distance, a gorge of separation that feels impossible to span.

Logic would tell you to step back from the edge of that gorge.

Rational thinking would tell you to move away from someone that is actively digging such a deep, painful expanse between where you stand and where they stand.

Reason would tell you that it's probably impossible to ever cross that distance. That years and years must pass before you can even stand on the edge and stare off into the distance at someone far away from you.

But love isn't bound by logic and ration and reason.

Love doesn't play fair and neither does God.

He calls us to love our enemies. He calls us to love the people that are far away from us. He calls us to love the difficult and the sick and the jerks. (I'm not sure if the word "jerk" is in the Bible, but I'm trusting that the Message version has it at least once.)

And the weird thing, is that I think He calls us to do that is precisely because it's the loudest way to show His love.

When you bridge a gap with love, when you step across a chasm that might have existed for decades in your family, you create a bridge that can be seen for miles and miles, generations and generations. Step out and love a close friend that's bruised your feelings and you've created an overpass on a small creek. Jump out and love an enemy that's deliberately and destructively tried to hurt everything you stand for, do you know what you do when you love that person? You create a connection that will put the Golden Gate Bridge to shame.

This is not easy. This is not simple. This is not something I am good at. I wanted to punch another dad in the face the other day at an Easter Egg hunt when his punk 5-year old pushed my daughter out of the way. But this is where I think God has me headed. And what an incredible opportunity we have when someone tells us that Christians are unloving or judgmental or hypocritical or a million other things that we've done to hurt people. We can bridge the gaps with compassion. We can bridge the gaps with surprising kindness. We can bridge the gaps with a love that doesn't make sense.

Hope is heard loudest when it's a response to hurt.

Comfort is heard loudest when it's a response to pain.

Love is heard loudest when it's a response to hate.

Let's be loud."

-stuffchristianslike.net
emphasis added

some things will never change.

a year ago things seem so much different than today.
but taken into consideration,
today and a year ago are scarily similar.

you can call it fictional if you want to.

it's amazing how much of myself i see in a book character. how much of my life is reflected between the cover of this worn paper-back book. and how much hope swells in my heart because of how the story ends.

your opinion is so loud i can't hear the love in your words.

you think you know what is best for me.
but you don't know what makes me happy.
i'm too hardheaded and stubborn to take your advice.
especially when it is in the form of a lecture.
so while i appreciate the thought,
you should stop.
really.

i'd rather be happy now with a chance of misery later
than miserable now with a chance of happiness later.


just be my friend and support me,
in happiness and in heartache.
isn't that what friends are for?

laughing is good for the soul.

today has been the best monday i've had in ages.
package in the mail.
good calculus grades.
friends + AAR after finals.
beach plans.
interesting supper table talk in the union.
lots of text messages.
things are going to back to normal.

i love it.

from time to time.

i do this from time to time
where i can never wake from a bad dream
i do this from time to time
where i can never say the things i mean
i do this from time to time
where i like to watch you as you sleep
i do this from time to time
where i like to think of you with me

i can hear you breathe
im feeling the shake and the sound of
my heartbeat
can't let go
do you know
i'm feeling the pain of my first love
i let it go
can't let go

just keep me where the light is.

i am driving up 85 in the
kind of morning that lasts all afternoon
just stuck inside the gloom

four more exits to my apartment but
i am tempted to keep the car in drive
and leave it all behind

cause i wonder sometimes
about the outcome
of a still verdictless life

am i living it right?
am i living it right?
am i living it right?
why, why georgia, why?

i rent a room and i fill the spaces with
wood in places to make it feel like home
but all i feel's alone
it might be a quarter life crisis
or just the stirring in my soul

either way, i wonder sometimes
about the outcome
of a still verdictless life

am i living it right?
am i living it right?
am i living it right?
why, why georgia, why?

so what, so i've got a smile on
well it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head
don't believe me
don't believe me
when i say i've got it down

everybody is just a stranger but
that's the danger in going my own way
i guess it's the price i have to pay
still everything happens for a reason
is no reason not to ask myself

if i'm living it right
am i living it right?
am i living it right?
why, tell me why
why, why georgia why?



john mayer matches my moods.

you have no idea that you're breaking my heart.

marilyn monroe once said, "a wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left."


good thing i never claimed to be wise.

who knows how long she can go before she burns away.

one day i'm going to have to accept that i'm not going to be able to solve all your problems with a hug and a tear.

but until then, i'm sure going to try.

i'll be, i'll be yours.

i'm beginning to think that i am a loner by nature. i like to be alone. being constantly surrounded by a lot of people in such small capacity drives me crazy. i need to have space, to be by myself for a while.

you get that.

and i'm starting to realize that you understand me in ways other people don't.
and i'm so lucky you're in my life.

it's better late than never, right?

so i had a realization today that made me feel like the dumbest kid ever.
it was significance that i did not realize at the time.
and now i feel special.

i am still clumsy.
gravity is not my friend today.
i've had a case of the mondays all day long.
and i fear that it will continue through tuesday as well.



i'm constructing science in the art building.

out of mind, out of place, out of pocket.

i did a lot of things today that i didn't dream i would do.
and a couple things that i did.


i'm clumsy today.
in words and actions.
please forgive me.

***

i feel like i've driven the entire upper half of the state of alabama in the past week. and i like it. i like driving long distances. i like driving at night. and i like driving on the interstate.

i don't like driving in the rain or in the middle of a mental breakdown. i don't like the word 'sorry'.

tonight, cruise control and john mayer were my best friends.

i understand you talk to me in love.

but please realize that while you believe that i live in a completely delusional world, i am happy there, and things make sense to me. i appreciate your efforts in bringing me down to your reality, but i'm not going to live there. so you can stop trying. this is the reason why i'm quiet, not because i'm brokenhearted.



on a completely different, unrelated note: i just decided that i am attending the crawfish boil this year. tis may 1 and 2. artists: saving abel, shinedown, ll cool j, jason mraz, 311; bushwalla, shiny toy guns, filter, everclear, katy perry, all american rejects, and snoop dogg. twenty bucks a day in advance. bjcc. who's in?

when my heart breaks, you'll be the first to know.

i feel somewhat sad today.
and unproductive.
and surprisingly lonely.

my heart aches when i think of you.
but i think that's a good thing.

i wanted, so i did.

and it was amazing.
i wish every day could be like that.

the stories make me smile.
the quirks make me laugh.
i want to share it all.
everything.


"your name is pounding through my veins
can't you hear how it is sung?"


you really didn't have a choice.
i know you felt it.

i want to wake up where you are.

the secret's in the telling.

our act of defiance
we keep this secret in our blood
no paper or letters
we pass just close enough to touch
we love in secret names
we hide within our veins
the things that keep us bound to one another

there is a secret that we keep
i won't sleep if you won't sleep
because tonight may be the last chance we'll be given
we are compelled to do what we must do
we are compelled to do what we have been forbidden

until the last resilient hope
is frozen deep inside my bones
and this broken fate has claimed me
and my memories for its own
your name is pounding through my veins
can't you hear how it is sung?
and i can taste you in my mouth
before the words escape my lungs
and i'll whisper only once...

there is a secret that we keep
i won't sleep if you won't sleep
because tonight may be the last chance we'll be given
we are compelled to do what we have to
we are compelled to do what we have been forbidden

my heart is heavy.

in ways i cannot begin to explain.

i am full of praise,
i am full of question.




i miss you in ways you cannot imagine.

you can make or break me in a second.

or a second thought.


it doesn't take much to just realize things you really should have known a long time ago.
or to realize the significance of things you've forgotten the importance of.
or to get too confident about things you are sure of.

face it, it's always better when we're together.

a three dollar bag of chocolate eaten by yourself is a three dollar bag of chocolate.
a three dollar bag of chocolate shared with friends in the hallway discussing the most random assortment of topics is priceless.




i'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together.




i dislike my job.

i need you more than you need me.

i'm a little confused by the reunion of blink-182.
not that a blink reunion is a bad thing.
but i liked AVA better.


i'm a bit nostalgic.
i miss you a lot today.

***

make sure you're holding on,
cause it could be the one,
the one you're waiting on.

you always find a way to change my mind.

even when i don't want to.


i'm doing exactly what i resolved not to do anymore.
but my greatest instinct is to respond to it naturally.





in other news, i'm definitely going to see ben folds in hotlanta february 27. be jealous.




happy national weatherpersons day,
february 5.

blue.

so...ben folds tickets are only $33 instead of $90.


that changes things drastically.





also, i finally finished reading blue like jazz

creation.

sometimes its the really small things that make me realize how awesome God is and how insignificant i am.


i get chills at beauty.
i tear up during worship.
i stare at the clouds and realize that all of this world was made entirely by God. and i'm studying the atmosphere and all the different ways that it acts. i'm studying to be a scientist. but even all of our atmospheric specialists are not quite sure how everything works exactly. we can only guess. and our efforts are so mundane. we're trying to figure out God's masterpiece, and we can't do it.


and even after all of that, He STILL loves me.
He values me enough to send Jesus to die.
for me.
just me.
it's the most complex thing that i've ever tried to wrap my mind around.
and the hardest thing to put into words.
because paper can't explain how it feels.

unsuspecting sunday afternoon.

sometimes my heart gets so full.
of possibilities.
of disappointment.
of hope.
of love.
that it feels like it grows.
inside my chest.
just like the grinch's did.
at the end of how the grinch stole christmas.

i needed a reason to believe.

i have no idea where i'm going. i feel like i have no control over the events of my life. i decided i wasn't going to care anymore. i decided i was going to be in control. and as soon as i did, it completely hit me in the face: i have no freaking idea where my life is headed. i'm incapable of not caring. i care way more than you'll ever know. and it's like i am walking around with my eyes closed.

i had this grand plan, you know...i was going to get married (i'd already planned my wedding, complete with the entire wedding party), planned my job, planned my house. my entire life, set in stone before it had really even began. the big picture.

i can't find the big picture anymore.

and the concept scares me.

but at the same time, i'm not alone. God is telling me things i really need to know. He put my friends in my life...each one of them gives me a different viewpoint, a different opinion, a different piece; and each view on it gives me reassurance of the way i feel. it's a different way to look at things, but i like it that way.

i have to have faith. trust. the word i realized i'm scared to say.

i can't see the big picture anymore, but the smaller pieces are becoming quite clear.

and i think i can work it out if it turns out differently than i'm expecting it to.

i asked for a reason to believe, and you gave it to me.

oh.

oh, what a time for words and computer batteries to fail.

likenesses.

1 thessalonians 4:10-12

how excellent to be known as a giving person rather than a taking person! The church would run much more efficiently if the Body had the attitude of Christ instead of a "me" mentality. How much smoother things would go if the church embodied the likeness of Christ!

learn to trust your heart, the rest will work itself out.

sometimes words fail as i try to accurately describe to myself exactly what it is that i'm feeling.

sometimes the only thing that really matters is that i DO feel.



i feel all too often we let the "logic" of our head get in the way of what is in our heart.

and maybe if we learned to trust our heart more, we would gain more from that. we risk more...we might get hurt, things might not not turn out like we wanted them to.

then again, maybe they would.



learn to trust your heart. the rest will work itself out.
isn't it time that we took a chance?

faith.

unexplainable.

http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com/2009/01/463-jeff-buckley-and-unexplainable.html


here's to a new year.
may i be the unexplainable.
and may it be the best year yet.